When You Love Somebody
by starahel
Summary: It's been seven years. I haven't spoken to her ever since that day. Yet, she hasn't left my mind once. Now all of sudden, she's back in my life and I'm getting my chance to look inside her head.
1. Not Over You Yet

**Disclaimer: **I don't own anything SON related…. I'm sure we all want Ashley and Spencer in our closet. Hootttt.. Damnnn. ;)**  
Summary: **Spencer Carlin, a 25 year old psychiatric doctor is given special orders to keep a close eye on her new patient. Can Dr. Carlin break down her new patients wall and find whats actually going on in her head?  
**Rating: **I'm rating this T mostly because of language. So if foul language makes you uncomfortable... this won't be the best fic for you.  
**A/N: **Ok, so this is my first SON fic. I hope you guys like it. I'll post new chapters if I get a really good feedback from you guys. :)

* * *

_I can't help but feel nervous as I step out of the cab. I slide a shaky hand down the front of my black halter dress, smoothing out non-existent wrinkles. I look at the concrete building that still haunts me to this day. Oh, King High. It's been ten years and honestly, ten years have come too soon. I run a hand through my long blonde hair as I watch people I once walked these halls with rush inside the unwelcoming building. I swear it's like hell all over again._

"_There you are!" I hear a familiar voice and sigh internally._

"_I can't believe you dragged me here, Kyla." _

"_Whatevz, Carlin. Your sorry ass needed a break from those psychos!"_

"_Then why am I here with you?" I tilt my head to the side and shoot her a sly smirk._

"_Ha-ha." She replies as she sticks her tongue out at me._

_I glance back over at the building. The last time I was here, I was walking through the halls with __**her.**__ Suddenly, I'm having trouble breathing. I can't do this. I just can't go --_

"_Earth to Carlin…."_

"_Huh? Oh, sorry.""So lets hit this shindig!" She takes my hand and begins to tug on my arm. I stand cemented to my spot. It takes her a few moments to register that we're not making any progress. She turns back around and looks me straight in the eye. The similar shade of brown sends chills down my spine and I force myself to look away. I look to the left, the right, the ground, wherever I can until she halts my actions by taking my chin between her thumb and forefinger, forcing me to look at her. She looks deeply into my eyes, so deep that the moment becomes intense and a single tear rolls down my cheek. She knows why I don't want to go in there. She lets out a long sigh._

"_She's not in there, Spence."_

"_But what if she is?"_

"_So what if she is?! It's been __**seven **__years, Spence."_

"_I swear it feels like I was just holding her in my arms yesterday." I whisper, more to myself._

_She lets out another sigh, "I can assure you," she grips my hand, "I talked to her a few weeks ago. When I asked her if she was planning on going she said no."_

"_Really?"_

"_Mmhmm… Actually, if I remember correctly, her exact words were, 'Hell to the nizzo.'"_

_I can't tell what this strange warmth that just embedded itself into my chest means. Maybe it's relief. Relief that I won't have to see her beautiful face. But you and I both know, it's not that. There goes my heart again. Damn, for a while there…. The tape was holding._

"_You ready?" I hesitate for a moment and then nod my head. This is going to be a __**long **__night._

* * *

_We've been here for what seems like seven hours, which by the time on my watch states has actually only been one hour. Several people have approached me. You know the feeling when you know someone, like recognize their face, but can't remember their name? Yep, that's been me for the past hour and so far its 0 for 17. _

"_Spencer Carlin?" Oh God, here we go again, "Oh my Godddd! It is you!"_

"_Heyy…" I attempt to put on a smile._

"_Oh my Goddd! How long has it been?!" I look around the room at all the "HIGH SCHOOL REUNION" banners and then look back at her. Ohhh, I'm going to take a wild stab in the dark and say about…. Hmm.. Ten years._

"_Too long!" I frantically search for her 'Hi, my name is…' tag._

"_Do you remember me?"_

"_Of course! Uhh….." Yep, drawing a blank. "So, how have you been?"_

"_Fantastic! Do you remember Lance? Oh my! He was so fond of you!"_

"_Yeah! How is he?"_

"_He's good! He's gained a little weight but.. He's still my Lancey poo!"_

"_That's great! So how long have you guys been dating now?"_

_She give me a strange look, "…. Lance was my dog…"_

_Good job, Spence._

"_Ohh.. Then who was that person you dated?" I say while making a thinking face._

"_Jared?" Sure... Lets go with that._

"_Yeah! Him." False enthusiasm is laced through my words._

"_You remember Jared Mann?!" The football player? Hell yeah, I caught him "explaining" what it meant to be a "team player" to his quarterback._

"_Yeah! Wait… did you marry him?!"_

"_Yep! 3 kids and I'm a stay at home mom. He makes bank now doing…" I zone out and begin looking around. Is that a bar? Wow, __**that's **__classy. I scan for the bartender, slowly following the bars length until I spot it. That familiar brown hair. Her back is turn towards me, but I'd recognize it in the dark. The lights are too dim in here, to see if her hair still has those blonde and red highlights. _

_That couldn't be her… could it?_

"_Excuse me….uhhh…"_

"_Brenda." Ahhh… Brenda. Cheerleader. Had a pregnancy scare and didn't shave her armpits. Once, while I was still on the squad, we did this pyramid and we all collapsed on each other. My nose was BURIED in that shit. __**So. Disgusting.**_

_I push through the crowds of people. I try keeping my eye on her. I shove the last person to the ground to reach the last seat. I let out a well deserved sigh. Empty. I run my hand through my messy hair. Maybe I was just imaging her. Or perhaps it was someone that had the same hair as her. I mean, it's possible, she is a international rock star. Suddenly, I can't breathe in this crowded, sweat filled room. Kyla spies me through the crowd and I mouth to her that I'm going to get some fresh air. She nods and goes back to talking to some familiar looking man._

_The moment the night air hits my skin, I feel relieved. The cooling of my heated body somehow reassures me that I'm still alive. I walk down the halls once again. I stop by all my old classrooms. The halls are so abandoned and I feel like running through them._

"_I wanna run through the halls on my high school…" _

_I am __**so**__ not singing a John Mayer song._

"_I wanna scream at the top of my lungs…." I totally am. I suddenly become extremely paranoid. I can feel someone's eyes burning holes into my head. I look around and find no one, shaking the feeling off I begin walking again, silently humming "No Such Thing."_

_I find myself at my old locker. Oh memories, I wonder if the combinations the same._

"_6... For the number of letters in Ashley's name…" _

_I turn the dial to the left three times._

"_17.… for the number of kisses we snuck in the kitchen behind my moms back while she cleaned the dishes." _

_Two times to the right._

"_33...for…….umm….--"_

"_The number of times I said I loved you as I held you in my arms after our first time."_

_My whole body tenses up. The voice raises the hair on my arms. My palms begin to sweat. I've lost all feeling in my legs. Where do I live? What's my name? OH SHIT, What's my name?!_

"_Spencer." Oh yeah, that's it._

_The locker door pops open, but I say glued to my spot._

"_Hi." She breaths out, I feel her hot breath on the back of my neck as my eyes shut. My mouth goes dry and I can feel her slim arms wrap around my torso as she rests her cheek on the back of my neck. I begin to shake. "Are you cold?" She releases her arms and drapes her jacket on my shoulders. I muster up all my confidence and turn around. My sight remains on the ground for a few moments. I study her worn out black Converses. My eyes slowly rake up her tight black jeans, all the way up to her white V neck, fitted with a black vest. The bottom of her shirt inched up just enough to allow me to catch a glimpse of that glorious tan skin. My eyes finally reach hers. Once again the moment becomes too intense for me and tears begin streaming freely. She cups my face with her warm hands and wipes them away with her soft thumbs. The contact is so amazing, her warmth is making me feel tingly in all the right places._

_I should pull away. Slap her across the face and pull a total "Notebook" fight scene. 'I waited for you for 7 years and now….' No, wait. Didn't that end in a hot sex scene? Well…fuck. I should tell her off at this exact moment. Let out everything that has been bottled up inside of me. I should, but I won't. Because at this moment her soft, warm lips are on mine, and there goes my name again. The tears keep streaming, but they're not from sadness, or whatever the hell that emotion just was. The millions of sloppy kisses Aiden smothers me in has nothing on this one. It's soft and passionate, yet desperate and demanding. She bites down on my lower lip, slightly tugging at it. I let out a small gasp and she takes the opportunity to crash her lips into mine once again. The moment her warm tongue slips into my mouth, I forget about everything. About Kyla, my parents, Clay, 7 years ago, my job, Aiden, Gle--, oh shit, AIDEN._

_I pull away and gasp for air. I stare at her swollen lips trying to collect my thoughts. _

_Oh yeah, Spence, cause __**that'll**__ help._

"_I can't… do this." I breathe out._

"_Look… I know I messed up, Spence, but --"_

"_I'm engaged… to Aiden… I'm engaged." That's convincing. It seems like I'm trying to convince myself!_

"_Aiden?" She steps back. She looks so small now, so fragile._

"_Yeah…" She takes a few more steps backs and begins to pace, running a tan hand through her brown curls. She stops and bites her bottom lip thoughtfully before turning back to face me._

"_Are you in love with him?"_

"_Ashley… I -- it's… I waited for you… for 7 years…. And now it's too late…." Hot sex scene anyone?_

"_Please, just answer me… Are you still in love with me?"_

_Of course. "Ashley… I love him."_

_The look sprawled on her face looks as if I did smack her across the face._

"_Oh…"_

"_Ash… I…" She begins to run off as I take off after her. I ignore the tightening of my muscles and the burning of my lungs as I continue to sprint after her. Fuck, she must work out. We reach the front of the school as the people begin to pile out. I try finding her in the crowd. And there she is. Her eyes are red and cheeks are puffy. Our eyes meet for a solemn moment, but then she turns her back to me and disappears into the crowd._

"_I love you, Ashley." It falls empty into the night air._

* * *

I jolt up in bed, covered in a light sheen of sweat. _That's the third time this week. If it's not that dream, it's a dream about her. What the fuck is going on with me?! I've done so well for the past 3 years! … months…weeks….FINE, DAYS. _I lean back in bed trying to control my erratic breathing. I look over to my left and spy a familiar muscular, tan back. _Not the person you'd want to wake up next to though. _**Ah! Shut up!** I glance over to my nightstand and stare at my little alarm clock. The bright red numbers alert me that it's 3:48 AM. _Allllright! New record! One hour and 35 minutes of sleep! _I bury my head deeper into the pillow and stare up at the ceiling. My lips still burn from her imaginary touch. _It felt so real…_From the corner of my eye I can see the first rays of light peek up from the horizon through the bedroom window.

The insistent beeping indicates that it is now 5 AM. Time for me to get ready for work. I silently creep out of bed, careful to not disturb my fiancé's sleeping form. I tip toe over to the open window, allowing the cold Ohio breeze to flow through my thin night gown. The sun has barely risen, but is producing enough light to cast shadows among the forest of thin, 50 feet trees. I let out a deep breath and look at the warm cloud it produces in front of me. I let her name run through my head once more before I start my morning routine.

* * *

It's around 5:45 when I begin making my way to the psychiatric ward. The roads are surrounded by trees on both side, leaving the streets dark. I watch the morning fog roll through from side to side before driving through it. I turn on the radio to the station I've memorized my heart.

"_Goood morning, to all you crazy people who are up at this hour! I HAVE to be up at this hour. It's my job. For all of you who are up for no reason… seek help. Anyways, We've decided to play some new stuff by our favorite artist. You know you all love her. She's hot, talented and… hot! What's not to love about her? Here's Ashley Davies new single, "Come Back To Me."_

Once the first chord hit's the air and reaches my ears, my body's warm all over.

"_Blue eyes… I never meant to make you cry…."_

I know this song word for word as I reach to turn the volume up. I move my lips along with the verses until the last line.

"_I love you…."_

It echoes throughout my car as I fight to see through the thick fog. I turn off the radio once the song has ended and sit in silence. Usually, I talk to myself, because when it's quiet, I become too enthralled with my thoughts and I begin thinking about things I don't want to think about. But this time it's different, I let my thoughts come pouring in. I think about my past, my present, my future. I think about my family and my friends. I think about all the people I know and all the people I once knew. I think about the best years of my life. I think about L.A., the best place in the world. I think about the people I met there who've changed my life. And then it hits me, I haven't really kept in touch with people from high school. Except Glen, well duh, he's my brother. Oh, and Chelsea, because she's practically my sister-in-law. I talk to Madison occasionally. She calls me when ever she's in town. She's always out on tour with the latest artist. I lost touch with Aiden for a while. About 3 years ago we ran into each other at a coffee shop and have been dating ever since. Technically, we're engaged now. Strange, right? He's some famous NBA player that lives some small town in Ohio. He likes to think it's so crazy fan girls won't chase after him. Really, no one here knows who the hell he is except for the occasional teenage girl. He's gone most of the time so I'm usually alone. I don't mind though. As for Kyla, she's my best friend. We were always close, but after her sister broke my heart, we became inseparable. She was the one who was there to wipe the tears from my eyes, she held my hair back when I was throwing up from trying to drink away the thought of her sister. She was the one who held my hand when I just needed someone. BFFz fo' lyfe, yo. The thing I always loved and hated about Kyla was the fact that she could always tell how I was feeling just by looking into my eyes. Only one other person in this world could do that, and could probably could do it better. And it's definitely _not _Aiden.

And then there's Ashley Davies. I haven't heard from her for about….. 7 years, 3 months, and 17 days. You know, just a guesstimation. Just because I haven't spoken to her doesn't mean I don't miss her. Because I do. If I didn't, I'd doubt I would still follow her career. I probably wouldn't know all seven of her album titles: _S.C._, _Day at the Beach, Caught in the Act, Trench Coat, Blue Eyes, Road Trip to Anywhere _and _The Love of My Life._ I probably wouldn't have memorized the order of the songs either. My favorite song? "Brownies." I probably wouldn't stay up till dawn watching interviews of her on the internet. Or even attend any show she does any place close to Ohio. I probably wouldn't stand in the same spot, off to the far right of the stage, just close enough to see her soft brown eyes but far enough to hide myself. You know, I probably wouldn't do any of those things if I didn't miss her. Yet every night for the last seven years, I've been listening to her songs until I fall asleep.

I follow the curve in the road before turning right through the deserted streets.

I suppose you can say I lived up to my mothers expectations. I mean she did except the whole Ashley thing… after a while. I followed in my mothers footsteps and became a doctor, double majoring in psychology as well. I couldn't work at the hospital though. While I was interning, I saw too many deaths. I would also become too attached to the patients and it'd take several days for me to compose myself after they passed. Everyday I walked into that hospital and smelled the first whiff of 409, I was immediately reminded of Clay. Thus, I specialized in helping, as Kyla likes to say, "the crazies." I am currently working at an all women's psychiatric ward. Ever seen _Girl, Interrupted_? Yeah, it's like that, except without Angelina Jolie. My patients fascinate me, that's why I'm so engrossed with my work, it's my life. I spend as much time as humanly possible in that place, it's a sanctuary.

* * *

I finally make my way inside the building. Stopping to say hello to some of the patients that are already awake. I make my way to the nurses station and spy Sara and Kristine. They're the only nurses I like. The other nurses are more my age, but they'd rather gossip than work. Sara and Kristine may be middle aged, but when I first started working here they took it upon themselves to look after me. I see both of them as mother figures.

I lean against the wooden counter top next to Kristine.

"Hey Spence." Sara says from her sitting position at the window.

"How are we today, ladies?"

"Better now. Sara and I were just talking about you." I raise an eyebrow at Kristine, quickly scanning her messy dark blonde hair and the deep wrinkles in her forehead.

"You were, huh? And what exactly were you talking about?" I look over at Sara who runs a finger through her loose brown curls before speaking to me.

"My youngest daughter, Jaime, finally came out to me at dinner last night. I mean, I've known since she was 15. Shoot, I think I knew she didn't play for right team even before she did." I roll my eyes at her and let out a little smile, I know where this is going.

"Kristine happened to mention to me that you two are about the same age."

"Oh, really now?" I say playing along. I shift to my other foot as I lean deeper into the window.

"Yep. She's coming by tonight so I was planning on setting up a date for you two."

I let out sigh and start shaking my head. I shoot them a little smile to let them know that I'm not angry.

"You guys know I'm engaged. To _Aiden_." They both cringe at my words, Sara lifting her upper lip into a snarl. "Remember him? My soon to be husband? Besides I don't even date girls." They both let out a small chuckle as if on cue. I shoot both of them questioning glares. "I'm serious!" They have small smiles playing on their faces as they look at each other before looking back at me.

"Spence, you know how I feel about him." Kristine starts. If I closed my eyes I could swear I was talking to my mother.

"I love him."

Sara looks at me warmly, "But are you _in _love with him?"

The words instantly bring me back to my dream of Ashley. "Is there a difference?" I know there is. There's a big difference. You can love someone, like a brother or a friend. But to be in love with someone is knowing that you can't live if they're not the one you're spending all your time with. If they're not the one you wake up next to and fall asleep next to, what's the use?

"We both know you know there is, Spence." Kristine states.

I sigh before letting Sara continue, "We just don't think he's good for you. The way he looks at you, isn't the same as the way you look at him. We're just looking out for you."

"I know and I love you ladies for it, but…." I trail off. Before I have time to continue a voice over the intercom informs us and the rest of the patients that it's 6:30 and time to start our day.

They're both still staring at me lovingly when I return my gaze back to them. "So what are the plans for today?" It takes Sara a few moments to register that I directed a question at her before she answers.

"You're signed up for the therapy circle at 7 sharp."

* * *

"My name is Spencer Carlin and I'm a work-a-holic." And now I'm a psychopathic liar. What I should of said was, 'My name is Spencer Carlin and I'm a past love addict. I pine for my past love, the only person I've ever loved completely.'

"That was very brave of you, Spencer." One of the younger nurses says to me. Shela, I think her name is. She just started here a couple months. She's always flirting with me, but I just ignore it. I give her a small smile. From the corner of my eye I see Dr. Lynn, whose position can be best described as the dean of the ward. She's the head doctor and psychiatrist. You're either on her good side or you don't work here for long. We all cower at her feet and are always at her beck and call. I meet her eyes and she still has a stern look on her face as she gives me a small nod of approval. I turn my gaze back to the circle and look over to the next speaker.

"My name is Valerie and I'm a homo."

"Ms. Pacer, that's not a mental illness." I remind her, before shooting her a small smile to let her know that I'm not angry. We haven't quite diagnosed her yet, but we do know that she's easily agitated, so we can't raise our voices at her. She gives me a sweet smile and the rotation begins again.

"My name is Valerie and I'm a psychopathic liar."

"Hi Valerie!" The other patients echo.

The person to the left of her opens her mouth to speak when the doors burst open and a series of curses spew through the once serene halls. The other patients become restless and the nurses are scrambling to get them back to their rooms.

Several men in white carry a squirming female in. I rush over to join the hectic group.

"Jackie, what's happening?"

"New patient. Female, Caucasian, 25 or 26 and no known mental illnesses."

"Then why is she here?" I try to communicate back to her over the new girls screams and curses.

Jackie hands me her files. In big, bold, red letters it states: "SUICIDE RISK." I fail to notice that Jackie has left my side and has run back to inject the girl with a small dose, just enough to knock her out. The girls thrashing slowly comes to a stop. A few of the men that carried the girl in begin to exit. I'm about to hand the files over to the nurse when my eyes catch words that look familiar. I take a closer look. No. It can't be. I look up at the limp girl being slowly pulled by her arms, her legs dragging after her. They slowly make their way to the padded solitary confinement room. I struggle to catch a glimpse of her face as I push through the crowd of nurses and doctors. I finally make it to the front and let my eyes scan all over her. Sure enough, she's got brown curly hair, with faded blonde and red highlights. Her skin tan and limp limbs covered in toned muscle. Her hooded eyes are in fact a soft brown.

"Ashley."

* * *

A/N: Sooo, what'd you guys think? Please review! Let me know if I should continue or delete this!


	2. Send Me An Angel

**Disclaimer: **I own nothing SON related. I wish I did though. :(**  
A/N: **WOW! Okay, I was DEFINITELY **not** expecting that well of a reaction from you guys! 24 reviews just on one chapter?! Amazing! I just _had _to update for you guys! :D Someone told me on another story that I'm not allowed to write FOF for you guys... but I'm just going to have to. :) It'll be at the end. Thank you guys SO much! **Keep it up. :)**  
**A/N for the story:** So originally I just planned on writing the whole story from Spencers POV, but then a great idea struck me. Why not write Ashleys POV as well, so you guys can get deeper inside her head! Genius, right? So I'm planning on alternating between Spencer and Ashleys POV. Spencers POV will be more general, explaining everything, while Ashleys will be more of her thoughts. Also, I noticed that this one was shorter than the previous chapter, so I apologize. OH and one more thing. While I was rereading the first chapter, I found that my sentences sound choppy. I apologize profusely, I'm kind of out of writing rhythm right now. **The song used in this chapter is "Sleeping Sickness" by City and Colour. Not really my cup of tea but I actually love the album. And the title is from the song "When U Love Somebody" by Fruit Bats. :)**

* * *

Perhaps she's an angel. An angel my father sent down from Rock and Roll heaven to watch after me. A guardian angel. One that reveals herself only in my dreams. With her velvet blonde hair that cascades down her shoulders and frames her angelic face perfectly. Her pale skin, a thin blanket over her fragile bones. But what always gets me the most are her eyes. Her radiant blue eyes. The ones that seem to always vary in shade depending on her mood. And the way she calls out to me in my dreams. Like a prayer upon sinners lips. Only she's not a sinner, because she's an angel. My angel.

_I awoke only to find my lungs empty. _Every bone in my body aches. My eyelids are still heavy as I try to fight off sleep. The first crack of light shines through and my eyelids have won the battle as they shut twice as tight as before. _Through the night, so it seems I'm not breathing. _I try once more, succeeding this time. I attempt to rub the sleep from my eyes but find myself incapable. My arms are crossed and strapped to my sides, locked in a buckle behind my back. After a few more moments of dazed consciousness, I finally take in my dim surroundings. The only light is a small stream, coming from somewhere in front of me. _And now my dreams are nothing like what they were meant to be. _The white floor beneath me is padded. So is the wall behind me and to my left and right. This couldn't be heaven. At least not my heaven. Because if it was, and I was in this straight jacket, there'd be at least two other girls in here with me. Preferably naked. Or at least _she'd_ be in here. The girl that haunts my dreams in the most pleasurable ways.

In front of me is the only evidence that assures me that there is still signs of life beyond these walls. The white wooden door with a small rectangular window towards the top. The small stream of light alters from the outside movement. _And I'm breaking down._

_Ashley._

Her voice is sweeter than any music I could ever listen to. I've tried to replicated the sound. I've strummed my guitar until my fingers bled. And sang until my voice became hoarse and eventually crawled to the back of my throat. _I think I'm breaking down._ Nothing can compare to her. My angel.

My chin drops to my chest as I let my head roll from side to side idly. _I'm afraid to sleep because of what haunts me. _My skin itches and my nostrils burn. How I want so badly to shoot a feeling of relief through my veins. Or snort some happiness into my system. Anything to help me get through the day. My heart is beating rapidly against my ribcage. Informing me that it's still cracking, aching for the only one who can mend it. With warm and tender hands. _Such as, living with the uncertainty._ This is what I've tried to escape from. The constant metronome that follows me throughout the day, varying in pace. The thought of cutting off my ears crossed my mind once or twice. But what good would that do? I'd still be able to feel the beating spread through my rotting bones.

For the past couple days, the beating became so insistent. I couldn't hear anything else. Just the constant thumping. It echoed throughout my head like a single vocalist screaming in an empty auditorium. The pain finally became too much as I chased an undisclosed amount of Vicadin with some whiskey. _That I'll never find the words to say._ I woke up with a clear head and a burning throat. For a few minutes, I thought I was clear of the beating. Thinking I scared it off. But it returned once again. It returned twice as worst as before. I grasped at my chest, hoping to still the throbbing organ. I fell to my knees in a shaking fit. I crawled my way to my small coffee table and cut a half a pound of coke into lines with a shaking hand. _Just how I'm breaking down. _I didn't hesitate snorting all of it up. I felt my eyelids get heavy as I settled into an armchair, propping my feet against the powdery table.

I woke up with a bloody nose.

_Someone come and save my life._

That was all within a time period of 6 hours. The sound came back with a vengeance. Threatening to tear me apart from the inside out. I laid in a heap in my apartment before the thumping in my chest became unbearable. I spotted the razor I cut my lines with on the coffee table. It was screaming at me. It's shrill cry breaking through the pulsating. Whispering to me a plan that seemed so golden.

I grabbed it on my way to the bathroom, not bothering to close the door or shed my clothes. I started the tub, watching the water slowly fill it's way to the top. I climbed in clothed. I sat for a few moments. Allowing my tired body to relax. I traced the bags under my eyes with my fingertips. Feeling how deep they caved, feeling bone easily on the other side.

_Maybe I'll sleep when I am dead. _

I took the sharp metal to the sensitive skin of my left wrist with a shaking hand. I didn't feel anything as it pierced through my numb skin. I watched the blood trail a path down my tan arm before grabbing the razor and mirroring my actions to my right wrist. I did feel the adrenaline rush through my arms though. I lowered my loose arms into the water, breathing deeply. Watching the water turn a dark crimson from under my heavy eyelids. _But now its like the night is taking sides. _My vision began to darken. The constant sound pulsing in my head and chest began to slow.

It seemed like barely a minute passed when I heard cries of help and terror. Of course the only time Kyla decides to visit is when she's the last person I want to see._ With all the worries that occupy my mind. _I just want this pain in my chest to stop. This coldness. All I want is for warm hands to come and show me what life was like before I fell so deep into the hole I dug for myself.

_Ashley. _

And then it hits me. My guardian angel. She's holding my life in her hands as if it's a precious pearl. In her own way she's telling me it's not my time to join her. Telling me that there's more to life than how I'm looking at it. Through glazed eyes and dry mouths. _Could it be, this misery will suffice? _

_Ashley. _

Her face comes to my mind. I can only seem to make out bits and pieces of her. She always comes to me clearer each and every time. She always comes to me when my heart feels uneasy, like it'll burst out of my chest.

Like right now. I close my eyes, hoping to find her once more in the mess of my mind. _I've become a simple souvenir of someone's kill. _

_Ashley._

Please come to me. Help me ease this pain that has found it's home in my body. I can barely care for myself. Please come and calm my shaking hands. Help mend this tattered body, mold me into something you could be so proud of.

_Ashley Davies._

_And like the sea. _Help me warm the blood, flowing through my icy veins. Help my numb body feel once more. Help remind me what it feels like to feel alive.

_I'm constantly changing from calm to ill. _My eyes begin to burn and water quickly heals the drought. Please, angel. Where are you when I need you now?

_Madness fills my heart and soul. _I begin to shake as I break out in a light sweat. I cross my legs and begin rocking back and forth. My tears are constant, each burning it's trail down my face. I begin to feel everything at once. I begin to feel the burning of my throat and nose. The pounding in my head. The knocking of my ribcage against my weary chest._ As if the great divide could swallow me whole. _I begin to feel the consequence of my actions through every pore on my body. My burning wrists making their existence clearly evident.

My rocking becomes violent as I begin pounding the back of my head into the cushioned wall. _Oh, how I'm breaking down. _Pleads fall from my lips. Please my angel. My sweet, blue eyed angel. The warmth needed in my life.

I let the tears fall freely from my eyes as I tuck my head back deeper into my chest, slowing my rocking slightly.

_Someone come and save my life._

Through my frantic thoughts I hear the door creak open. I hesitate as I begin to lift my head. I'm instantly blinded by bright burning lights.

_Maybe I'll sleep when I'm dead._

My retinas are burning from the new intrusion. I can faintly make out a silhouette through my squinted and watery eyes. My rocking slowly coming to a halt. I can hear the unevenness of their breathing as they slowly make their way towards me. They're standing inches from me now as I adjust my eyes. Their shadow creating an eerily warm and familiar blanket.

She kneels down until she's eye level with me. I scan my eyes over her newly exposed features quickly. Each piece from my dreams fitting perfectly with the new ones from reality. I take in each curve and dent of her beautiful face. Her blonde hair falls all around her face in soft waves. Her pale cheeks are covered in a soft flush. But what assures me that this is the girl that has invaded my dreams for years are her eyes. They're a deep shade of sapphire when our eyes finally meet. I see her tongue dart out quickly before her lips curl into a warm smile, flashing me her perfect white teeth. _But now it feels like the night is taking sides. _

We stare at each other for moments before she tucks a stray curl behind my left ear. Her fingertips burn a pleasant trail against my temple. I melt into the touch. She places her hand against my sleeved arm.

"Are you okay, Ash?" Her voice is even more heavenly when I'm awake.

I nod my head. Afraid that if I speak, I'll break some silent rule and find out that this is just a dream and God's way of pulling a cruel trick on me.

"Good." She lets out a small smile as she tilts her head slightly to the left.

My guardian angel has taken human form. For her breath that is caressing my face is gradually warming my insides. My heart is beating uncontrollably, but in a way that I can handle. A way that brings music. Music that can be best described as heavenly, just like her voice. Her mere presence calms my shakes and clears all my thoughts that have been trapped in my head for years. I look into her eyes deeply. So deep, that I can feel my insides cooperating to mend and calm my wild and tattered heart. I feel warm tears make their way past my eyelids and down my cheeks once more. She instantly cups my cheeks and wipes them away with her soft thumb, as if on instinct. I mold into her touch once more as she lets out another smile. A smile so warm that it could melt the coldest of hearts. _With all the worries that occupy the back of my mind. _

She retracts her hand away, and I'm instantly missing her warmth.

I swallow the lump in my throat, inhaling enough air to fill my worn down lungs. I finally find enough courage in me to break the warm silence,

"Who are you?"

_Could it be, this misery will suffice?_

* * *

**A/N:** :O CLIFFHANGERRRRR! So what'd you think? :)

**MDM79:** I'm glad you liked it!  
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**SEA:** Just you wait, I'm planning a BUNCH of surprises for you guys. :  
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Whoo. Look at all those smileys! That's how happy you guys make me! Please keep up the reviews! :D:D!


	3. How To Save A Life

**Disclaimer: **I own nothing SON related! Except Spencer. But shhhh, that's a secret. ;)  
**A/N:** Sorry for the lack of updates. When I was writing this I had to keep looking back to make sure that I wasn't writing anything that could mess up what I have planned for this story. Side note: I saw the Dark Knight last night. Uuughhnnn... so amazing! So I just had to update! :)  
**A/N for the story:** Just in case you guys were wondering the song used in the last chapter was "Sleeping Sickness" by City and Colour. Not my usual cup of tea, but I bought the album and absolutely LOVE it! Also, the title of this story is from the song, "When U Love Somebody" by Fruit Bats. And here is where I'll try and clear up any confusion you guys might have about this chapter (and possibly upcoming chapters). I thought it'd be neat to introduce a situation, see it from one point of view, and then see it from the another point of view. That's what I'm doing here. The first chapter, Spencers POV, introduced the situation; Ashleys POV reacted to it and explained it more; and this chapter Spencer will see the situation from her point of view. I hope that makes sense, if it didn't you guys will probably catch on by the end. Cause you're all smart cookies. :) FOF is at the end! ENJOY! P.S. Excuse the errors, I beta-ed this myself... badly... with my left eye shut.

* * *

I can't seem to still any part of my body. My knees are shaking. My teeth are chewing at my bottom lip roughly. I still haven't left my spot from the nurses station.

"How long has it been?" I ask Sara as I shift to my other foot, leaning tightly against the counter. I begin crossing my arms, left over right. No, right over left. Neither of them feel natural as I begin to bite the nails on my right hand, my eyes never leaving the hall.

"Three hours and…" From the corner of my eye I can see her bend her back over her chair, struggling to see the clock from behind the file cabinet, "Seventeen minutes now. Only _two _minutes since you asked last."

I let out a loud sigh as I run a jittery hand through my hair. I nervously tuck some strands behind my left ear. Then quickly move to untuck it. No, it looked better tucked. Yeah, for sure. My unusual behavior does not go unnoticed by Sara.

"Is everything alright, Spencer?" My mind is cluttered with so many different thoughts, that I almost forget to answer her.

"Huh? Yeah, sure." I rush out, switching to my left hand when my nails become too short. I can tell she's shooting me a bunch of questions with her eyes, but my eyes remain glued to the door.

All I can think about are the two words that nearly stopped my heart. _Suicide Risk._ Ashley. _My _Ashley.

But that's the thing. She's not _my _Ashley. She hasn't been _mine _for seven years. God, has it really been that long? Has she changed that much? What if she's not the Ashley I remember? What if she really _is _the Ashley that all the magazines have been writing about? What if --

"CARLIN!" I snap out of my inner monologue and look over at Dr. Lynn, standing in front of the door of the hallway that leads to her office. Also known as the firey depths of hell.

"Ye-yeah?"

"I've been calling your name for five minutes and you've just been standing there like a deer in the fucking headlights!"

"I'm sor-sorry, Doctor. I've just got a lot of things on my mind."

Her face is still stern. I barely notice that she's raised an eyebrow at me.

"I need to see you in my office." She says as she begins to open the door behind her. I can feel my eyes widen as I look over at Sara. She shrugs her shoulders. "TODAY, _Carlin._" I jump from my spot and grab the door before it slams behind her.

* * *

The hallway seems to double in length as I travel my way slowly down it. The brownish white linoleum floor squeaks beneath my torn red Converses. I look over at the walls that seem to be closing in on me with each passing moment. I look at all of the certificates before stopping at a picture of a young blonde, right outside of her door. Hm, I didn't know she had kids.

"Anytime now, Carlin." I slowly make my way into her office, staying as close to the door as possible. "Shut the door." I close it behind me without breaking my staring contest with the floor. "Come closer." I take a few more baby steps in. Stopping before I run into the chairs in front of her desk. "Damn it, Carlin. Can you look like an actual doctor for five minutes?" I instantly straighten up and lift my head to meet her eyes. Her eyes are such a dark brown, they look black. The deep wrinkles on her forehead are barely hiding behind her straight cut bangs. Her thinning brown hair is tied tightly behind her head in a bun. I run a hand through my hair and fake ease as I place my hands on the chair in front of me and lean casually on my heels.

"You wanted to see me?" I say in the smallest voice possible.

"That Davies girl, you know her?"

"Yes." Wait. If I say yes, I won't be allowed anywhere near her seeing as Dr. Lynn has a strict 'no attending to friends, family or acquaintances' rule. "I mean, no." I rush out.

"Which one is it?" She asks, her voice never wavering from her usual deep one.

"Yeah, I know of her. Cause you know, she's a musician. But no, I don't _know her_, know her. Like personally… you know?"

She strains out a small smile while tilting her head slightly. "Do you want her autograph?" She asks me in a baby voice. I stand up straighter and eye her suspiciously.

"No…."

"Good. Then she's all yours." Wait… what?

"Huh?"

"All the others doctors have approached me asking for her case. When they found out she checked in, they all thought it'd be the perfect opportunity to get an autograph for their annoying teeny bopper tweens."

"That's kind of messed up."

"Yeah well, seeing as you're the only doctor left, she's in your hands."

CAN I GET A HALLELUJAH?! YES!

"Al-alright!" I say as my voice cracks, barely hiding my excitement.

She doesn't seem to take any notice as she hands me Ashley's file.

"Here. You can start by contacting her relatives, but seeing as her agent left no contact numbers in there, _have fun_." I give her a small nod before rushing towards the door. The stale air circulating throughout the small room is making me nauseous. "Carlin." She says as I begin to turn the doorknob. I hesitate before turning halfway around as she continues, "If I get any complaints about your supervision over her, you're off the case faster than you can shake that pretty little head of yours. Got it?" I open the door and step out.

"I won't let you down." I let out a little smile and close the door behind me quietly.

* * *

I've been locked in my office for about an hour now, staring at my cell phone. I thought about calling Ashley's mother, but if she didn't care about Ashley back then, why would she start now? So for the past forty-five minutes I've been staring at Kyla's number.

How can I break this to her gently? Ashley _is_ her only family. This is going to devastate her!

After repeating a speech that oozed sympathy and concern a few times, I hit the sent button. The ringing is a droning buzz as I get up from my office chair and begin pacing in front of my desk. I run my sweaty hand through my hair a couple times, trying to ease my nervousness. Finally the ringing comes to a halt.

"_Shouldn't you be at work, Ms. Carlin?"_

"I am. I'm actually in my office right now."

"_I see… so what can I do you for?"_

Instinctively, I begin biting at my bottom lip.

"Um… where are you?"

"_In uh… New York… you know, where I live… where else would I be?"_

"Oh… Yeah, right." Is all I seem to be able to say.

After a few moments of silence, Kyla decides to finally speak up.

"_Not that I don't love deafening awkward silence, but is everything alright, Spencer?"_

Well, I just found out that the only person I've ever loved tried killing herself and now I have to explain that to you. So yeah, I'm just fucking dandy!

"Kyla…. There's no easy way to say this…"

"_You can tell me anything, you know that." _I hear her let out a little grunt, _"Damn. This lamp is heavy."_

"Kyla. Ashley checked in today." I hear the said lamp shatter in the background.

"_Shit._"

"Are you okay?"

"_Yeah. Uh… wh-what were you saying again?"_

"She attempted suicide sometime yesterday." I rush out. I'm met with silence once again. Kyla seems to have stopped whatever she was doing. Probably just letting all the information soak in.

After listening to her shallow breaths for a few moments, she finally speaks up.

Her voice is small, _"So… you know?" _Wait, huh? I open my mouth a few times to question her but only hot air comes out. Suddenly it hits me.

"YOU KNEW?!" I say, struggling not to scream into the receiver.

"_I was the one who found her." _Her voice remains soft.

If Ashley ended up at some other hospital, would Kyla have even told me? I want to ask her why she didn't tell me. I want to spend hours yelling questions at her. I want to ask what else she has hid from me. But that'll have to wait as a different question slips from my lips.

"Where are you?" My voice sounds surprisingly calm. I can tell she's about to tell me that she just answered this question from the slight pause.

"_I'm in Ashleys apartment. Packing up her clothes."_

"ASHLEY LIVES IN NEW YORK?!"

"_Look, Spencer. Ashleys agent bought me a plane ticket out there. I'm leaving in about thirty minutes, I'll talk to you when I get there ok?" _

I let out a sigh, "Alright."

* * *

I'm on way out of a patients room when Dr. Lynn confronts me once more.

"Any luck on finding a relative?"

"Uh, yeah. I did a little research and found her half sister. She's flying out as we speak."

"Good." She begins walking down the hall, silently demanding that I follow behind her. My eyes are glued on her fidgeting hands, locked behind her back by her index fingers.

"How are you going to approach her?"

"You mean the uh…situation?" She simply nods. I was too busy thinking about seeing her that I hadn't really thought of treating her. "I'm uh… probably going to do a few sessions with her. Hopefully get her to open up. There's probably a reason for the suicide attempt, so hopefully I can diagnose her quickly enough to prescribe some medication." She gives me a single nod of approval. She stops our slow pace completely by turning to face me. She opens her mouth to speak when a shrill cry rings through the halls. Our attention lands on Ashley's room. We begin walking towards it, stopping in front of the door. I stand on my toes and peek in through the window.

"Hm."

"What is it, Carlin?"

"She's banging her head against the wall…. And now she's rocking back and forth." Dr. Lynn begins walking away as I press my face closer to the glass. "Ashley." I try, the sound probably lost instantly in the glass. "Ashley!" Nothing. I turn back to Dr. Lynn, biting my bottom lip. Once my eyes meet hers I instantly turn away. She motions her head towards the door.

"Get to work, Carlin." I watch her disappear down the hall before I turn back to the door. I peek through the window once more. Her head is tucked into her chest and her rocking has become gentler. "Ashley?" A whimper seeps through the wooden door. "Ashley Davies, what am I going to do with you?" I pull my keys from my pocket and unlock the door slowly. I twist the handle and pull it towards me, listening to the familiar creaking. I take a step in, the padding shifting from my weight. I hear pleads fall quickly from her lips. I take a few steps, and then a few more, before I'm directly in front of her. Seven years hits me all at once as she lifts her head. Once her eyes meet mine, I'm drowning in all that is Ashley Davies all over again.

My breathing becomes shallow as I inhale the first whiff of vanilla and lavender. I lower myself onto my right knee until I'm eye level with her. I scan my eyes all over her features. Her brows are furrowed and her face is flushed. Her soft brown eyes are watery as I follow the trails of tears down her cheeks. I finally meet her eyes and instantly shrink under her intense gaze. I run my tongue over my dry lips before letting out a small smile. God, she's so beautiful. All I can think about is wrapping my arms around her and never letting her go again. Her soft lips look so kissable as my eyes betray me and shift between her eyes and lips. I tuck a stray curl behind her left ear, feeling the velvet skin beneath my fingertips. I fight the urge to keep touching her as I place my hand on her arm. Massaging the rough material of the straitjacket with my thumb softly.

"Are you ok, Ash?" My voice fails to hide my nervousness. She nods her head weakly. "Good." I let out another small smile before tilting my head to the left. I watch her intently as her shaking subsides into soft tremors. Her soft eyes begin to water again as tears stream down her face once more. I cup her cheeks and wipe my thumbs across them softly, as if on instinct. My thumbs cease their movement as she moves herself deeper into my touch. I can't help but smile. Reluctantly, I pull my hands away. Her lips turn into a small pout as we continue our staring contest. She takes in a few deep breaths, her eyes boring into mine deeply.

Her voice is tiny when she finally speaks, "Who are you?"

Wait, what? I furrow my brows.

"Spencer…._Carlin_." She mouths an "oh". I back away from her slightly, still kneeling, still close enough to smell vanilla and lavender. "Does my name not mean anything to you?" I say rather defensively.

"No." Ouch, way to take a jackhammer to my heart, Ash.

I'm about to start telling her off when I notice the lost look sprawled across her features. Her eyes are traveling my face quickly, her bottom lip tucked tightly between rows of teeth. Suddenly my mind wanders back to her files. _Drug use._ The doctor in me begins listing all the possible side effects. The screaming. The crying. Whispering to herself. The suicide attempt. And now forgetting who I am? The puzzle pieces are slowly coming together. Before I can venture deeper into my mind she speaks again.

"But I know you. You're all I dream about." Oh, _swoon_. My lips twitch into a small smile. "You're my angel." Now it's a full smile, head tilt and all. I begin to stand.

"I'm actually your doctor."

"Doctor?" She tries to stand up using only her legs before falling back. I squat down and unlock her ankles before grasping her forearms and pulling her up. When she's finally face to face with me I continue.

"Yeah. You attempted suicide."

"Oh… so I'm at the hospital?"

"Not quite. Your agent thought it would be "bad publicity" if the media found out you attempted to kill yourself. So… another doctor in New York examined you and concluded that you were a harm to yourself and possibly others." Her head drops slightly. "Your agent checked you into this psychiatric word in Ohio."

"Oh."

I wrap my arms around her before unlocking the buckle behind her back. She rests her cheek on my shoulder, nuzzling her nose into my neck. I fumble with the straps before her arms become free. Instantly, she wraps her arms around my waist and molds her body into mine. I hesitate for a second before pulling her tightly against me. I rest my cheek against hers, shutting my eyes tightly. A single tear trails down my cheeks.

What have I gotten myself into?

* * *

Soooo? What'd you guys think?

**Jackstanatoir:** I'm glad you like it! :D  
**itswhatever:** :D I think this has to be my favorite review. Like EVER. I'm glad you think I'm a good writer! It's people like you that make me want to keep writing!  
**Farah A:** YOU'RE A SPY AREN'T YOU?! GETOUTTAMYHEADD! Hehe. I'm not crazy. Well since you're so good at predicting things... I'm just going to have to throw more curve balls at you, huh? :  
**Momo The Great:** Glad you love it!  
**Contorce:** Mmm... browniesss... Uh.. what was I saying? OH YEAH! I really appreciate your review, you know why? Because while I'm writing I see exactly how I want the scene to look and I try so hard to portray that through my words. Knowing that I'm doing a good job makes me feel a lot better. :)  
**P.A.M4Life:** Of course I'll marry you! :D  
**2162008:** I'm glad that my horrible sentence structure doesn't bother you. :)  
**October Blue:** I still can't believe that you read the first chapter five times. T-T What makes you think Ashley's a mess because of Spencer? What if she's a mess because of Aiden?! :O Hahaha, I'm totally kidding. As for Ashley meeting Aiden... that'll have to wait.  
**awe:** I'm sorry I made you cry. :( But I'm glad it's in a good way!  
**TROPPER12:** Who am I? Who are YOU? Hehehe. I made a funny.  
**coronachick: **Craziness will come soon enough!  
**Hplova4eva:** You're question will be answered.. in uhh.. not the next update but the one after that.  
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**lilce1992:** Okiedokie.

**A/N: **If you guys have any questions, feel free to ask and I'll try and sort it out for you. Please review! :D It makes me happy.


	4. All In My Head

**Disclaimer:** I own nothing SON related... but this week I do own Ashley. :)  
**A/N: **Sorry for the lack of updates. I actually planned on getting this out Thursday. I had it typed up and everything. But then my sister came over because she got into a fight with her boyfriend... and... well you know how sisters go. She's been over for the past couple days. She's also really clingy. :X Hehe.  
**A/N for the story:** I'm actually _slightly_ disappointed with this chapter. When I was writing it on Wednesday, I had this great idea and I was cranking it out.. but then I fell asleep. And when I tried continuing... it sucked. Sooo.. I hope I don't let you guys down with this chapter. Ashleys POV always seems to be more difficult. OH and, the song used in this chapter is "Confessions" by City and Colour once more. I seem to always listen to them while I'm writing.  
**Help?: **I was thinking about changing the summary for this story to get more readers. (The summary under the title) I suck at writing catchy summaries... so I was hoping one of you wonderful readers could do it for me? :D I'd deeply deeeeeeeply appreciate! Oh and also... do we know Ashley and Spencers middle names? I'm going to need that for my next chapter...

* * *

_Spencer Carlin. _I can finally put a name with a face. It fits so perfectly. Everything about her is perfect. The way she smiles. The way her voice sounds. The way her warmth feels so tightly against me. Her simple presence seeming to be able to take away all my pain. Perhaps she is an angel after all.

_I've been up for days. _The sleep I've been running from for years has finally caught up to me. For every second I'm sitting still, it creeps closer towards me. I shift uneasily on the brown leather armchair. I place my feet on the ground, my legs parallel. I place each arm on the overstuffed armrests. The fingers on my left hand begin curling one by one into my palm roughly forming a fist before uncurling quickly. My right leg gives into the tick that's threatening my body and begins bouncing up and down. _Trying to find a way. _My left arm bends as I rest my head against my fist. The pounding in my head feels as if someone is taking a sledgehammer to my skull. I run my knuckles over my eyes as I stifle a yawn. I hear the door creak open and my heart instantly begins to swell. I look up hoping to be met with even the slightest glimpse of my blue eyed angel, but instead find an unfamiliar face. _To write this confession down._

My eyes trail the older woman until she sits down in the chair across from me. I refuse her eye contact as I stare off into the window to my right. I watch all the other people walk around the garden. Wondering what they're thinking about, why they're in here and if they have angels as well. _Seems every line write is amiss. _I can hear the woman direct questions at me. I've done so many interviews with my head in the clouds that answering cliché questions puts me in autopilot. I don't bother looking at her as answers fall from my lips. I shut my eyes and rest my head in my left palm once more. I try to clear all the thoughts running through my head. My hearing locks onto the older womans voice. Her voice is thick as it starts from her lungs and travels through her smokers throat before falling lifelessly into the air. _At least this I'll admit. _I hear her let out a painful cough, dislodging tar from her lungs. She asks me another obvious question. I roll my eyes from under my eyelids. My thumb begins massaging my temple before my eyelids lift wearily. I'm instantly met with a hard gaze. Her presence neither cold nor warm. Stale.

_For what I've done, I am not proud. _I study her face. Tracing the deep wrinkles in her forehead with an invisible touch. The gray roots hiding underneath brown hair. I give her another vague answer. She gives me an eerily familiar look of disappointment before letting out a huff. She reminds me so much of my mother. From the slight frown permanently formed on her lips to her dark brown orbs. _There's no need to pretend. _She then lifts up a series of cards. The inkblots looking only like random spots. I pull things out of my ass and try not to laugh when she lets out a praise of interest. She asks something that my own mother used to ask. I let out a disgustingly sweet smile before a series of curses spew through the once calm atmosphere.

Her eyes divert to her clipboard before scribbling down a series of notes. I shut my eyes and let sleep finally take hold of me. I can feel her eyes boring holes into my head. We sit in silence for a few minutes. I let the sunlight seeping through the glass cascade over me like a blanket. _No need for innocence. _I feel the slow throbbing of my heart consume my thoughts. The beating drowning out her voice. It begins on a rapid increase when she asks me a question that should be so seemingly innocent.

"Have you ever loved someone before?"

_I've got to be honest now._

I open my eyes and stare into hers. A light sheen of sweat has spread itself over my body. The burning in my nose has returned. My leg is bouncing up and down roughly. I begin to scratch at my arms with my dull fingernails, feeling thousands of needles make their way through my veins. The tremors start from the inside of me before overtaking my whole body. My teeth are clenched tightly. The aching returns to my bones, seeping through the joints and cracks. _The verdict has come in._ My eyes begin to burn as I blink furiously. I shake my head and settle on closing my eyes. Immediately, the throbbing in my chest conquers everything else. It echoes throughout my head. Beats itself relentlessly against my chest. Tears flow freely down my cheeks and I no longer bother trying to stifle my sobs. _It says I'm guilty for my sins, this time. _I plead for the pain to stop. I plead for my angel. Spencer. My vision is overtaken by a blinding white before the throbbing sound slowly subsides.

That's when I see her.

_She's lying next to me. Her hands forming a makeshift pillow underneath her right cheek. Her head indented into the pillow under her hands. The light purple of the covers bringing out the light flush of her pale skin. Her lips are slightly agape. I can feel her soft breaths against my nose. My eyes travel down her curves, stopping at her waist where my right hand is placed, almost possessively. Her shirt has inched up. My palm is laid flat against her warm skin, slowly tracing patterns under her shirt before barely dipping below the elastic waistband of her boy shorts. I trace an A with the tip of my middle finger; my eyes travel up her body once more. An S; as I lift my head from the pillow and trail soft kisses up her arm. An H; I continue the trail around the curve of her shoulder. An L; I begin placing wet kisses up her neck. An E; I place butterfly kisses starting at her cheeks, to her eyelids, her forehead and her nose. And a Y; I slowly move my cheek across the pillow, inching my way to her lips. I stop, mere breaths in front of her, taking in all of her beauty. My eyes look up at her shut eyelids. I see them flutter slightly before I'm met with the deepest shade of cobalt. She lets out a smile. In a husky voice she says, "Good morning, beautiful."_

The vision of her quickly fades to black and once more I'm consumed with the thumping. My palm and lips burning from her imaginary touch. I grasp at my shirt, pulling at the collar and grasping a hold of the material. My hands become entangled in my hair, pulling roughly. _I thought I could escape. _My right hand forms into a fist and begins beating relentlessly at my chest, hoping to still my heart. My pleads turn into cries of help. The beating turns into pounding. I lift my feet onto the cushions and pull my knees tightly against my chest.

"Ashley?"

I lift my head. Through my watery eyes I can see her, standing at the door behind the other womans shoulder. _But then I finally felt the weight of my crimes. _Her eyes haven't left mine as she speaks slowly to the other woman. She gets up from her seat and stands next to the angel. Spencer finally turns her attention to the woman. I drop my chin to my chest. The pulsating in my ears begin to slow. Warmth encircles my heart. It leaks through the cracks. Mends all the holes. Clears up all the baggage that has weighed it down for so long. _It's passion, it's not love. _My sobs have soften. My muscles have relaxed and I can think clearly once more. I watch her make her way to the previously occupied chair as I wrap my arms around my legs and rest my chin on my knees. She plops onto the chair and crosses her legs. I glance down at her red Converses, that seem so familiar. _Infatuation never ends right. _

She must have took notice of my furrowed brows as she asks me what's on my mind. I'm about to say her when I notice the older woman pull up a chair and sit slightly behind Spencer. I give her a disgusting look, hoping its enough to scare her off. She doesn't budge. Spencer notices my discomfort and calms me with soothing words.

"Don't worry about her. It's just you and me."

I meet her eyes as she lets out a little smile. She starts off with simple questions. Questions that you usually ask the person you're dating during a rousing game of 20 questions. Little questions that make you love that person more. _At least I won't be alone tonight. _She asks me what my favorite color is. It used to be red. For the strangest reason that I can't seem to remember at the moment. But looking into her eyes, everything changes.

I let out a smile, feeling the bridge of my nose crinkle. I answer with confidence, "Blue."

_Cause I don't want to be alone tonight. _

After a few more simple questions, she begins to ask questions that the older woman had asked. I don't hesitate as I go into depth with my answers. I tell her about my home life as a teenager, my neglectful mother, Kyla and my fathers death. She looks at me with such care that I melt. She asks what my school life was like. I tell her that I was the school outcast. The one that everyone knew, but no one would approach. I tell her how I used to sit by myself and watch everyone else pass me by.

She asks me about my junior year, as if that year was different than the rest. I tell her that's the year I met Kyla. She shifts in her seat. Her eyes look sad.

The lady stands up and places her hand on Spencers shoulder, startling her slightly. She excuses herself and leads the woman out into the hall. _The prosecution rests with convincing evidence. _I stare at the dark wooden door before glancing down to my hands, fumbling in my lap. I glance at the gauze wraps around my wrists. What would every possess me to do this? My angel is standing mere feet in front of me with eyes that glisten with so much care, and I tried killing myself. _Well, it seems I've been deceived. _The door creaks open. Spencer closes it and leans against it letting out a sigh. She has a smile on her face as she returns to her seat. She's always so happy. Like there's nothing wrong in her life. It makes me wonder why I ever saw darkness in mine.

She asks me what a day in the life of Ashley Davies is like. I could sugarcoat it, but I don't. I wake up in the morning, finding whatever stash I have left and either smoke it, snort it or inject it. I do an interview or two. Find a worthless fuck… or two. Play a two hour show with numb limbs. Go to an after party with enough alcohol to last a lifetime. Then repeat. _So now I stand alone and wait for the first stone to be cast upon me. _She begins biting her bottom lip, looking lost in her head as well.

"Tell me about your intimate lifestyle."

Her eyes are full of hope. She's silently begging me to say something that'll calm her nerves while telling me not to lie to her. I don't know any of their names. I don't let them touch me. It's fast and uncaring. No hopes of something more.

"I don't let them kiss me."

She asks why and I pause. I'm not sure why, I've just been doing it for so long that I can't remember the reason. But words that seemed to engrave themselve in my mind spill from my lips. _My verdict has come in. _

"I haven't kissed anyone in….years. I loved the last person I kissed. I think it's the most intimate physical sign between two people. If you mean it, you're giving so much control to the person. They'll be able to make your life that much better. Or they'll be able to break you. The people…they… didn't mean anything. They were faceless; they didn't love me and I didn't love them. It was easy. I woke up alone and felt disgusting. I'd hop in the shower and try burning their touch off me."

She's chewing on her nails now when I look back up at her.

"Who was the last person you kissed?"

_It says I'm guilty for my sins, this time._

I try to think back, scanning through all the faces I've met over the years. The person becoming just a memory. I shake my head and say weakly,

"I'm not sure."

She's biting at her lip again.

"Then how do you know you loved….that person?"

"Just a gut feeling, I suppose."

_I thought I could escape._

She stays quiet. I watch her rest her chin against her left fist and look out the window. She has uncrossed her legs and begins to bounce her right leg up and down. She opens her mouth a few times but decides against it. I look down at her shoes once more.

_But then I finally felt the weight, of my crimes. _

The holes on the side making them stand out in my mind even more. The tattered laces fitting perfectly. I've autographed so many shoes, but this pair….

I look back up at her to meet her intense gaze.

_It's passion, it's not love, infatuation never ends up right. _

Her eyes are so unreadable. I feel myself moving tighter into the back of the chair. Her face has no emotion. She's sitting still now. I look away quickly. I look wherever I can as long as it's not her.

_At least I won't be alone tonight. _

I feel her grasp my chin with her hand, resting my chin on her palm. She forces me to look at her. Tears start streaming down my face. Her angelic eyes telling me all these things all at once.

"We should get you back."

_Cause I don't want to be alone tonight._

* * *

Hmmhmmm... Was that scene between Spencer and Ashley a daydream... or a flashback? :O!

**itswhatever:** Bahaha. I'm glad you liked that part. And thank you for your message. It made me smile like this :D  
**2162008: **I hope I didn't let you down with this chapter!  
**scooby2771:** I'm glad you like the story line, Scooby! :  
**mindfreaky:** I did. I took her into the back alley and roughed her up a bit for even hesitating to choose Spencer at the prom. Hehe. But don't worry, she'll get better soon. :) P.S. your username reminds me of Criss Angel.  
**Farah A: **For sure Kyla will fill in most of the blanks. That'll have to wait until the next chapter though. As for Ashley... well... you'll just have to wait now won't you? :)  
**t.A.T.ulov3r: **D: I didn't realize my chapters were sad! I sowwy!  
**coronachick: **Slow and steady wins the race. :) Sorry for not being able to update twice. Eeekk.. I usually write out my chapters before I type them up.  
**TROPPER12: **I'm glad my story makes you think. Cause thennn... it keeps you on the edge of your seat!  
**MDM79: **I'm glad you like how I write. :)  
**dttdemon:** I think you may be right! ;)  
**kaila5707:** I'm glad you checked this out as well! I love new readers! :D  
**xvolcom11x: **Talented? Far from it! But I'm sooo glad you like this story.  
**n0rmalsov3r8d:** Yay for cuteness! I'm horrible at writing fluff, so I thought I failed miserably.  
**Contorce: **Thank you, thank you. :)

Please review! I luvvv em! They make me update faster! :)


	5. Why I Want To Save You

**Disclaimer: **I own nothing! If I did, I probably wouldn't have canceled this wonderful show. :(  
**A/N:** Uggnhhhh.. I've been staring at my computer for about 9 hours straight now. My head is killing me and now all I want to do is get this out. I apologize if there is any typos/grammar errors.  
**A/N for story: **This has definitely got to be my favorite chapter. Ummm... K enjoy! I love reviews!

* * *

I'm sitting at my desk with my elbows on the table and my head buried in my hands. My nervous habit of bouncing my leg up and down instantly kicks in. My bottom lip is tucked tightly between my teeth. Seven years finally comes crashing over me with a wave of different emotions. Seven years of listening to her albums and letting her voice sing me to sleep, like it used to all those years ago. Seven years of only seeing her beautiful face on T.V. Seven years of not being able to hold her in my arms. Seven years of living with an empty feeling embedded in my chest. Seven years that seem to vanish instantly the moment she pressed her body tightly into mine.

"_Ashley, just choose!"_

Words from that fateful night seep into my thoughts. I shake my head, trying to rid myself of them. I run my left hand through my hair a few times before resting it against my left temple. I turn my head to look out the window to my right. I watch the clouds make their way across the clear blue sky slowly. My mind goes back to a random day in high school.

_It was a Saturday. I had decided to tag along with my mom to the hospital. She promised that she wouldn't be long, telling me that she was just going to check on some patients. After an hour and a half of sitting in the same spot, I decided to walk around. I ended up at the pediatric burn unit. I stopped at a door I knew fairly well. I looked in at the young girl sitting crossed legged on her bed, fumbling with yarn. Her name was Charlotte. She made everyone call her Charlie. When she was 6 she developed a strange rash and was ordered to cover all of herself in highly flammable ointment. Her parents were neglectful, claiming that she ran through some poison oak. She was curled up in her fathers lap when he stuck a cigarette in between his lips and lit a match. The flames were extinguished when her father through her into their pool. She was now seven._

_I leaned against the doorframe and watched her mumble to herself. My gaze moved slightly above her head, over to her open window. I watched a cloud move itself slowly across the windowpane._

"_Hey Charlie." She turned her head towards me. I took in her scorched face. Her brown hair thin and in patches._

"_Spencerrrr!" I sat down on the bed in front of her._

"_What are you up to?"_

"_I'm making friendship bracelets!"_

"_Oh yeah?"_

"_Yep! My mommy used to make them all the time. She learned how to do it from Grandma. She told me that you should only give it to people you love."_

"_And why is that?" I lifted up her tangles of yarn as she continued._

"'_Cause then whenever they see it, they'll think of you and know that you love them!" I spied several other rolls of yarn next to her. I picked up a red one and motioned it to her._

"_Mind if I make one?"_

"'_f course. Who you making yours for?"_

"_A girl that needs to know I love her."_

_I told her the story of giving a bracelet to someone you loved. I was shaking when I finally gave it to her. We were standing at the foot of her bed. Sunlight was streaming in through the partly opened blinds. She looked at it in her hand for a few moments before looking up at me and smiling a smile so big that the bridge of her nose crinkled. She placed her hands on my waist and pulled me against her, placing a soft kiss on my lips._

"_I love it." She said as she rested her forehead against mine. I wrapped my arms around her neck as she began to sway us. Dancing to our own silent love song._

"_It's so you won't forget me when you go on tour and have millions of groupies throwing their panties at you."_

"_I only want your panties." She said sarcastically. I nudged her playfully. She shook her head and let out another wide smile, "I could never forget you."_

My thoughts are interrupted by the loud ringing of my office phone. I answer it with a sigh.

"Yes, Sara?"

"Spencer, A Miss Kyla Woods is here to see you."

"I'll be right there." I make my way out of my office at a fairly fast pace.

I turn the corner to the main hall and am instantly met with a familiar laugh, bouncing off the walls and echoing throughout the small building. I spy Kyla bent over the nurses station counter, probably gossiping with one of the younger nurses. I stand a few feet from her, hoping to stop the urge to punch her in the face for keeping things from me.

"Ms. Woods."

She turns her head to me and straightens up. In a mocking voice she says, "Dr. Carlin."

I swear, if I just punch her quickly… it won't hurt _as_ much.

I released the tightened grip of my right hand that has seemed to curl itself into a fist.

"If you'll follow me… we have some matters to discuss."

* * *

I lead her to the garden silently. We sit on a wooden bench under a shady oak tree. I look through the thick brush of leaves and spy my office window. I look back to Kyla, who is slouching against the back of the bench. She clicks her tongue in her mouth a few times, before crossing her arms over her chest.

"She cried the first time she let anyone touch her _intimately _again."

I stare at her emotionless face. She's staring forward as she continues, "It was back in L.A. I heard her scream so I rushed into her room. I thought she was getting _raped._ I pulled the girl out by the hair and threw her out of the loft. Ashley was curled up on her side when I came back into the room. I just held her for a while until she could actually form coherent words. She was saying things like, 'It's not supposed to hurt this much,' and 'It's my fault, I already made my choice.' She said she only chose the girl because she had blonde hair and blue eyes."

She lets out a mocking sigh before turning to meet my gaze.

"That was _two _years after you left, Spencer. She just kept repeating that no one would ever compare to you. That she couldn't even think about kissing someone else without feeling guilty. Like she was betraying you…" She trails off, taking a few deep breaths. "She got deeper into drugs after that. I mean, sure. I've dabbled with it because of Jake but… what Ashley was doing…. It scared the shit out of me. She was already in deep after the break up… but I think that once she realized that she may never see you again… she just dove head first into it. She said it was easier to not feel. That it helped when people who weren't _you_, touched her."

I watch her gaze return to somewhere in front of her. I wait a few moments before realizing that she's not going to continue.

"Why didn't you tell me about any of this?" I say accusingly.

She lets out another mocking sigh.

"Are you kidding me?! Whenever I even tried to mention her you'd either freak the fuck out and not talk to me for weeks or you'd break down crying. After a few years I just realized that it would be easier if I didn't mention her at all."

"She tried to kill herself! Did you not see that as something important enough to bring up?! You couldn't of called me and just been like, 'Oh hey, Spence. How's everything going? I'm fine. Oh by the way, your ex-girlfriend, the _only _person you've ever loved, my _sister_, tried killing herself the other day. How's the weather?'"

Her voice has raise slightly when she replies, "Even if I did what were you going to do, huh?! Run back into her arms like nothing happened? You'd just come home one day from work and be like, 'Aiden, I still love Ashley. I can't be with you anymore.' You've had _seven_ years, Spencer! Why did you have to wait until something like this happens to finally make a move?"

I begin biting at my bottom lip, not bothering to answer her. I wait a few minutes before speaking.

"Why New York?"

She lets out a small laugh, all traces of hostility is gone from her voice when she speaks again. "Because she said that every place in L.A. reminded her too much of you. She needed to be on the opposite coast to try to get away from even the thought of you." I divert my gaze to my shoes. "Funny thing is, she didn't sell it, like I thought she would."

I look back up at her. "Why can't she remember me?" I say in the smallest voice possible. Her facial expressions soften.

"About four years ago she suffered a small stroke. I found her on her bedroom floor. I thought she was having a seizure. The doctor said it was probably because of all the different drugs in her system at the time. I didn't realize anything was wrong until a couple weeks after the incident, when she asked about why Raife never came over to visit. She'd ask questions and I'd give her the basics, what I knew. She seemed to be able to fill in all of the other blanks. I moved out to New York permanently after that so I could keep a close eye on her. I got her off drugs slowly. I even handpicked all of her band members and crew to make sure that they'd look after her when they were on tour. About two weeks ago when they had a show in L.A., her drummer called me at 3 in the morning. He told me that he found her in her dressing room snorting lines. You can't reason or deal with angry Ashley so they just let her be. When the tour ended in New York, the first thing I did was go to her apartment to confront her. And… I guess that's where this leaves us."

"How is it that she can remember almost everything but me? I mean… wasn't I a part of her life at some point?"

She bites her lip.

"I guess… after years of trying to forget about you… she finally did."

I just nod my head sadly and look back down at my shoes. Kyla seems to follow my gaze.

"Aren't those the pair Ashley bought you?" I nod my head. "Dude, those are ancient!"

I let out a chuckle. "Yeah… funniest thing. When I was getting ready this morning… these shoes were just screaming to be worn…. Like it was…" I trail off.

"Fate."

* * *

I walked Kyla back to Ashley's room. Well, technically it's more of a suite. They somehow managed to turn a empty storage room into a penthouse. Her agent didn't want her to have to share a room with some schizophrenic, or even associate with any of the other patients. There's everything she'll need in here, a kitchen, bedroom, bathroom…. Hm. Of course… she's still a suicide risk… so… I'm pretty sure she needs supervision when she showers…. You know… to make sure she doesn't drown herself… or something.

YAY! NAKED ASHLEY!

I'm walking down the hall once again. I can hear Sara and Kristine giggling as I approach.

"Hello, ladies."

Kristine lets out a chuckle before greeting me. "Well, hello there Dr. Carlin."

They continue snickering before Sara clears her throat,

"Ms. Davies was looking for you."

I raise an eyebrow at her.

"Reeeeeeally?"

Kristine begins twirling her hair with a finger as she puts on a very good impression of Ashley. She leans over the counter towards Sara, "Excuse me, Miss? Have you seen Dr. Carlin? I've been looking _everywhere_ for her!" They both burst out laughing.

"Where'd she go?" I try to say though their fits of laughter.

"She's in your office."

* * *

I've been staring at the door to my office for the past fifteen minutes. I'm dying to know what's going on behind it. I press my ear against the door tightly and get silence. I wait a few moments, not breathing. I hear two voices inside. Dr. Lynn? What is she doing in there?

"Are you on any drugs?" Whoa. Dr. Lynn sounds strikingly similar to Christine.

"Fuck you, bitch."

I listen to some more silence.

"Have you ever loved someone before?"

I press myself tighter against the door, straining not miss her answer. I can hear stifled sobs and the squeaking of the cushions. I open the door as quietly as I can and peek in. The sight stops me dead in my tracks. She's scratching roughly at her bare arms, pulling her shirt nearly apart. I watch as she beats her right fist against her chest.

"Make it stop." Is what she seems to be saying before her mumbles turn into screams. I make my way inside, my heart aching. She's pulling and hitting everything possible. I watch as she lifts her feet onto the cushion and begins hitting her head against her knees.

"Ashley?" I say in the tiniest voice possible. She looks up at me and my heart stops in my chest. Her eyes are red, her teeth are chattering and her shaking is violent. My eyes stay locked with hers.

"Well, it was nice of you to join us, Ms. Carlin."

"What are you doing here? I thought Ms. Davies was my patient."

"It seemed like you were too busy _not _working so I thought I'd help you out." Dr. Lynn says as she gets up and walks towards me. I let my gaze linger with Ashleys for another brief moment before I turn to Dr. Lynn.

"I was meeting with her sister, you knew that."

"Well you were wasting precious time."

"I'm here now. Can I do this in peace?" She motions her head back towards the chairs.

"Be my guest, you'll only be talking to a brick wall."

I don't bother grabbing my clipboard as I make my way towards her. She tucks herself into a tighter ball, wrapping her arms around her legs and resting her chin on her knees. I plop down on the cushions childishly, crossing my legs once I settle. I watch her as she studies the ground. I watch as her forehead creases as if she's thinking deeply about something. I lower my head a little, in hopes of meeting her gaze.

"What's on your mind?"

She looks back up at me and is about to speak when the dragging of a chair against the wood floor fills the room. She looks past me and makes the face that used to make people cower in fear during high school. I glance back to see Dr. Lynn's cold stare, before turning back to Ashley.

"Don't worry about her. It's just you and me." I let out a gentle smile. I clear my throat and place my hands in my lap. "If you don't mind, I'd like to ask you some questions."

She just nods, still staring intently at me.

"Ok, so where did you grow up?" L.A., born and raised.

"I was born in L.A., I lived there for most of my life until I moved to New York." I let out a little smile, I still know her like the back of my hand.

"What's your favorite movie?" The Notebook. I was shocked that she had never seen it before so I made her watch it with me. She cried during the, 'If you're a bird, I'm a bird,' scene. We used to reenact that part every chance we got.

"The Notebook." She says shyly, making my smile widen.

"What's your middle name?" Marie. She was named after her fathers mother.

"Marie, named after my grandmother on my dads side." I nod my head in affirmation.

"What's your favorite color?" Red. The first guitar her father ever bought her was a bright red electric guitar. It was his favorite color so she made it hers too, hoping that it'd bring them _that_ much closer together. I watch as her face scrunches together before breaking out into a wide smile. The smile I fell in love with, the nose crinkly kind. She looks deep into my eyes before answering.

"Blue." Hm. That's new. "Spencer?"

"Hm?"

"What's your middle name?"

"Uh…heh… Isabelle." She used to tease me all the time. She said when we had kids we were going to name our first daughter that.

"I always wanted to name my daughter that." Does she….? No. I shake away the thought and continue asking her a couple more basic questions before getting into the deeper ones. I ask her what it was like for her as a teenage. She goes into this long rant, never breaking eye contact with me. I know this story word for word, like the words engraved themselves into my veins. I suddenly get an idea.

"Tell me…uhh… about….your _junior _year." I say, hoping that Dr. Lynn doesn't find this out of the ordinary. Ashley's eyebrows furrow once more.

"It was the year… I met…" Me! Spencer Isabelle Carlin! "….Kyla." I let out a quiet sigh before shifting in my seat. I don't let my face portray any of my hidden torment. I look directly into her eyes. I'm silently begging for her to remember me. I feel a hand on my shoulder and jump from the sudden contact.

"Can I see you outside?" I just nod my head.

"Excuse me, I'll be right back." I say as I make my way into the hall. I close the door soundly behind me. When I turn back to Dr. Lynn, her hands are on her hips and her foot is tapping loudly against the floor. I feel as if I'm a young child getting scolded by their mother.

"I don't know how you did it, Carlin. She's spilled more to you in the past 10 minutes than in the hour I spent with her,"

I just shrug my shoulders, "I guess she's just comfortable with me."

Her face is still as stern as always when she meets my gaze. She places her hand on my shoulder.

"Keep up the good work." All I can do is nod as I watch her walk down the hallway. I stand shocked in my spot. That was the first time she's ever acknowledged my skills. I turn around and open the door. I shut it soundly and lean the back of my head against it. I let out a sigh before a wide smile finds home on my features. I walk back towards the seat. I sit more confidently down in the chair, placing my arms on the armrests.

"So. Tell me, what's a day in the life of Ashley Davies like?"

She looks at me. Silently asking if I really want to know. I nod my head, egging her on.

"I wake up in the morning, find whatever stash I have left and either smoke it, snort it or inject it. I do an interview or two. Find a worthless fuck… or two. Play a two hour show with numb limbs. Go to an after party with enough alcohol to last a lifetime. Then repeat."

I bite my bottom lip, thinking of my next move. I know I don't want to hear it, but I just have to know.

"Tell me about your intimate lifestyle." I'm trying so hard not to break down. I just want her to say, 'I haven't been intimate with anyone since you.' and then wrap her arms around me. I know that won't happen. So now I'm just hoping that she won't lie to me.

"I don't let them kiss me." I'm slightly taken back by her response, thinking back to Kyla's confession.

"Why?" I watch as she gets lost in her head as well.

"I haven't kissed anyone in….years. I loved the last person I kissed. I think it's the most intimate physical sign between two people. If you mean it, you're giving so much control to the person. They'll be able to make your life that much better. Or they'll be able to break you. The people…they… didn't mean anything. They were faceless; they didn't love me and I didn't love them. It was easy. I woke up alone and felt disgusting. I'd hop in the shower and try burning their touch off me."

I'm biting my nails now. The last person she kissed? Is she….me?

"Who was the last person you kissed?" I blurt out.

She gets lost in her head once more. She starts shaking her head from side to side.

"I'm not sure." My heart drops. I'm chewing roughly at my lip.

"Then how do you know you loved…." I catch myself from saying me, "_that_ person?"

She just sighs, "Just a gut feeling I suppose."

I've got nothing left to say. My nervous tick comes in and my leg begins bouncing. I'm honestly lost. I have no idea how to approach this situation anymore. I look back at her to see her staring intently at… my shoes? Her head slowly lifts and meets my gaze. I'm silently begging her to remember me. To realize that I love her. To remember our summer nights and winter mornings lying together in her bed. She looks away and begins gazing everywhere. I halt her movements by grasping her chin gently with my thumb and forefinger. When she looks at me once more I see tears streaming down her face. I'm silently telling her to remember to love me.

"We should get you back." I say weakly. Before we can even move, my door bursts open. A deep males voice follows.

"Speencerrr!" Both of our gazes shoot towards the voice, "Ashley?"

I look back at her with wide eyes. She opens her mouth to speak,

"Aiden?"

* * *

Dun dun DUNNNN!! Hehehe. I'm evil.

**betty22871:** I suppose it didn't have to be either... but it'd be nice if it was, eh?  
**Farah A: **I wish they could too! But then the story would of ended already, silly. :)  
**MDVL: **I know, right? If my ex couldn't remember me... and then started talking about her new life and other things... I'd definitely be devastated!  
**RUlov3r: **Did you cry this chapter? Huhhuh? DIDJA? Hehehe.  
**coloringoutsidethelines:** I hope it's not too difficult? I know what you mean though. When I first put in lyrics I thought it was kind of difficult to follow so I thought about not adding lyrics the next chapter. But I ended up doing it anyways haha.  
**Contorce: **I'm actually surprised I haven't gotten any flames yet! And I don't think your reviews are repetitive. I enjoy them. :)  
**TROPPER12:** We'll just have to wait to find out huh? :)  
**n0rmalsov3r8d: **Hehehe. I'll never telllll...  
**Tatj:** This has got to be the longest review I've ever gotten. I LOVE IT! :D  
**Goober37: **Wow. Thank you so so much. As for other forums... you've lost me there. I know of this one and ... thats it. I'm kind of scared to post it up in bigger forums though. It's kinda like the little engine that could, ya know? BUTTTT just point me in their direction and I'll be glad to post this wherever! :D  
**dttdemon: **I am very evil. MUAHAHA! I LOVE leaving you with cliffhangers.  
**2162008:** You're so sweet. :)  
**xvolcom11x: **At first I thought you meant my story so I got sad haha. I hope this chapter kind of answered all your questions. And thank you soo much for thinking I'm talented. Definitely stroking my ego. :) Omg... that sounded so dirty. AHH! Hehe.  
**Momo The Great:** I wish she could too... Oh wait, I totally control their fate. :) MUAHAH!  
**rocola:** Aww thankiess. :)  
**kaila5707: **Ughh.. I know how you feel... classes are starting back up for me as well... :(

I'm sorry my response to you guys are so short. My head is KILLING me. I feel like I'm about to pukeyyyy. Gonna get off the computer now. Make me feel better with reviews? :D


	6. I Think I'm Ready

**Disclaimer:**I own nothing SON related.  
**A/N: **I hope you guys forgive me. I don't think I've ever told you guys but this idea and these chapters are results of sleepless nights. (This is where my pity party begins.) I usually get barely 2 hours of sleep. My insomnia has worsen this past week. The harder I tried getting to sleep the longer I stayed awake. Every time I slipped into even the slightest bit of unconsciousness, I woke up to the smallest noise. So I finally saw a doctor. He's testing all these medications out on me. And thats where I've been these past few days! Asleep in my bed thanks to a medicated high. I've been sleeping the days away. It's been so long since I've actually gotten sleep that I opened my eyes for the first time Thursday and felt ALIVE! :D  
**A/N for story:** I kind of dug myself into a hole last chapter. Usually I introduce the cliffhanger in Ashleys POV, but I didn't. So I had to work around it. I got it sorted out though. :) **I'm going to try and clear some confusion up for you guys**. **TROPPER12 **and **Contorce** brought this to my attention. The reason the little therapy session sounded so familiar last chapter was because I introduced it in chapter 4 (Ashleys POV). I tried explaining this before but I guess it was just rambles heh. You'll guys will catch on eventually. :) I dedicate this chapter to **awe**, I wanted to PM you but you're not registered! This is his/her review. "oh and it was "THEN JUST DECIDE!"shame on you! how could you forget that line? haha" **This is the part where I'm an ass.** I'll leave it at this... You think you know... but you have _NO_ idea. :) MUAHAHAH!  
The song used in this chapter is "Rescue" by Seabird. Just got their album. I LUV IT!

* * *

I'm not sure why my heart begins attacking my chest as she gets up to greet him. Or why my blood begins to boil the second he leans down and places a kiss on her lips. Or why I'm feeling betrayed as she excuses them and walks out the door, closing it behind them. I can't even begin to explain this new emotion that spreads through my body quickly like an incurable disease. It tugs at my heart strings. Makes my bones ache. Makes all my muscles throb. And curls my hands into tight fists.

I try to keep from sobbing, so I bite my bottom lip roughly. I feel the skin break and blood leak through. I lean back against the cushioned chair, bouncing my right leg up and down. My body is overcome with shaking as I look out the window to my right. I close my eyes and listen to the slow pulsing of my heart beat.

"_Ashley?" I lifted my head from the porcelain toilet bowl. I could feel dried vomit on the corners of my lips but didn't bother unwrapping my arms from their spot around the toilet to wipe it away. I peeked through the tangles of my hair and spied the intruder. He was making that stupid worried face, the one that made him look like a total douche. I dropped my head back into the bowl._

"_Leave me alone." My voice echoed throughout the small confinement. _

_I could hear his heavy footsteps against the tile floor as he made his way closer. I felt his hand on my bare shoulder and flinched. _

"_Come on, Ash. You can't keep doing this to yourself." I shrugged his hand off me and lifted my head._

"_I can and I will."_

_He pursed his lips. If I didn't want to punch him before that, I would of at that moment._

"_I know how you're feeling." I laughed at his lame attempt to comfort me._

"_No, you don't. Now go be gay somewhere else and leave me the hell alone." He didn't leave. I rested my forehead against the toilet seat._

"_Sp--… You're not the only one that's hurting."_

_I dug my forehead deeper into the porcelain, feeling my headache increase the more he talked. "She's just as worst as you. Except she's not drowning herself in drugs and alcohol."_

"_How unfortunate for her." He gave my shoulder a little shove. I was surprised by the action and ended up in a heap on the floor._

"_You can't just keep pushing everyone away, Ashley! You think you're so fucking invincible, but every time there's even the tiniest problem you're the first at the door."_

_I squinted my eyes and tilted my head slightly. I could of sworn I heard my brain rolling around._

"_You know, Aiden….. You've gotten a lot gayer." I leaned the back of my head against the wall._

"_God damn it , Ashley. This isn't high school anymore! Because of you there's a girl at home, crying her eyes out. Just because you keep on making your reckless choices! You came back from this before, why can't you just do it again?" He stood and began pacing in front of me. "I don't get it, Ash. One day you're on top of the world. The next you throw it all away. Now look at you. You're left with nothing!" His motions began to make my stomach churn. He stopped as if on cue and faced me with his hands on his hips. "Open your eyes, you're alone."_

_For the strangest of reasons, my heart stopped for a second. And for the briefest of moments, I felt what it was like to be alive again. What it was like to have everything. What it was like to live with a clear head. What it was like to live without self pity. But once my heart started again and the blood began flowing through my veins, everything was gone._

_I looked back up at him and met his gaze. His angry tirade fell fast as he stepped backwards towards the door. He turned around and made his way out, he shook his head in disapproval. He stopped halfway and placed his right hand on the doorframe. He looked over his shoulder._

"_All you have to do is change, Ash. She'll come running back."_

_I watched him leave. After a good 10 minutes of staring at the space he once occupied, I reached into my jeans left pocket. I pulled out a small plastic bag. I dumped its white contents onto the toilet seat. I molded it into the best line I could with my shaking index finger. I then brought the finger up and closed my left nostril. A lone tear slid down my face as the coke made its way into my system._

* * *

It's the strangest feeling when they reenter the room. She's leaning tightly against the door as he makes his way towards me. I quickly rise to my feet in hopes of running out the door. He wraps his arms around me and my body instantly stiffens. I stand stiff for a few moments before wrapping my arms around him awkwardly. Even throwing in the awkward back pat with my right hand.

He says something about my appearance. I say thanks. I look past him at the girl standing uneasily by the door with her arms crossed. Her blue eyes meet mine instantly. She begins biting the tip of her thumb. He's badgering me with questions and I'm trying my hardest not to knee him in the groin. I plaster on a fake smile as he continues on about himself, as usual. He was always like this, even when we were kids.

"Kyla's here too." He says. Well, at least that's what I think he says. I'm too busy wondering how he knows my angel. Her ocean eyes staring so deeply into mine. I wonder why he gets to touch her. Why he gets to place his chapped lips against hers. Why he's so fucking special.

I fake a yawn and look him in the eyes briefly. I tell him I'm tired and he smiles at me. I've always wanted to knock his teeth out. He wraps his arms tightly around me once more. My knee jerks up slightly, but I stop it before it can get any higher. He releases me and I quickly make my way past him. I keep my eyes glued to the floor as I bring myself closer to the door. She doesn't move from her spot against the door so I'm stuck standing in front of her. Her voice is angelic as she says my name. I weakly lift my head. I give her a small smile and tell her I'm going to go take a nap. She nods her head and moves away slightly. I open the door and step out. Halfway out, a hand is placed on my bare right arm. I look back at her. Her eyes telling me all these things that I can't even begin to comprehend.

"I'll see you later." She says. It's not a question. It's a statement. Promising me that we'll see each other soon. I make my way out quickly.

* * *

_I'm pushing up daisies._ I've been lying in bed staring at the beige ceiling for the past four hours. All I can seem to think about is his lips against hers. His hands too large for hers. How when he comes home at night, she's the one he's lying next to. I glance out the small window to the right of the bed. The sun is nearly down the bend now. _I wish they were roses. _The sky's a mixture of purple haze and pink hues. I curl onto my side and bend my knees. My eyelids become heavy and slowly shut.

_I watch as she tilts her head back and lets out a laugh that echoes throughout the quad. She sits on the table top rather than the bench. Her long legs crossed, peeking out from under her green cheer skirt. She places her hands behind her back and leans back against them. The King High emblem shirt rises just enough to show off the pale toned skin of her stomach. I sink deeper into my seat. The dozens of tables between ours are cluttered with people. I look back up at her to immediately find her gaze. Her long blonde locks are tied tightly in a ponytail. She squints her eyes at me, as if she's trying to see me clearer. She mouths 'I love you.' I smile the nose crinkly smile that she loves so much and mouth back, 'I love you more.' I hear Kyla groan from beside me._

"_You guys are so cute, it's disgusting." She gets up from her seat and leaves me alone at the table. My eyes focus solely on her now. I fail to notice the handful of people surrounding her. We continue staring at each other for a few more minutes until my eyes catch something gut-wrenching. His hand is on her bare thigh. She frowns before looking down at the boy sitting on the bench to her left._

_My insides are churning in a familiar feeling. My jaws tightening as my teeth clench together. My hands are curling into tight fists as I quickly get up from my spot. I grab my messenger bag and sling it over my left shoulder before rushing off. I'm not sure where I'm heading but my legs are moving quickly. I round a corner and find myself in an empty hallway. The noise of the cafeteria noticeably absent. I'm halfway down the hall when I feel a hard tug at my right shoulder. I flip around briefly before being slammed into the row of green lockers set up against the wall. The metal rattles from the impact._

"_What the fu--" I feel a pair of soft lips against mine. My eyes widen and I'm met with the darkest shade of blue. I watch her eyes lazily close. Her hands make their way to my cheeks. I lean back tighter against the lockers, my eyes shutting in the process. The strap of my bag slips from my shoulder and falls carelessly to the floor. I place my hands on her hips and pull her tightly against me. Her waist rubbing dangerously against mine. My hands find refuge at the exposed skin of her stomach, peeking out from under her cheer shirt. Her hands entangle themselves in my hair. I gasp slightly when her bare knee brushes against mine and her thigh rests tightly against my denim skirt. She begins sucking at my bottom lip, running her tongue against it every so often. My lungs begin to tighten from the lack of air. As if she reads my mind, she pulls back. Her pale skin has a light flush. Her plump lips are swollen and her breaths are ragged. I slowly study her cheer uniform before traveling upwards. Her lips are slightly agape as she runs her tongue across them. I finally meet her gaze. She removes her hands from my hair and presses herself tightly against me until there is no space between us. She cups my cheeks with her hands once more. She rests her forehead against mine._

"_If you're a bird, I'm a bird." She mocks. I shoot her a glare and she chuckles._

"_But you're an angel and I'm not. You can fly." I say, wallowing in my self pity for the briefest of moments before she answers._

"_But if you can't fly then neither will I." I shake my head, moving hers in the process and smile. All anger, jealousy and every other emotion has left me._

"_I love you." I say against her lips._

"_Say it again, Ash." Her husky voice sending chills down my spine._

_It takes me a few seconds to realize what she means._

"_I'm yours, Spencer Isabelle Carlin."_

_She places a quick kiss on my lips. I let out a smile, feeling the bridge of my nose crinkle._

"_And I'm yours, Ashley Marie Davies. Forever."_

* * *

_I feel like I'm drowning._ I jolt up and find myself covered in a light sheen of sweat. My heart beat echoes through my body. I get up from my bed and walk over to the small coffee table placed in the middle of the next room. I plop down on the old orange couch, resting one foot on the edge of the table. _But nobody knows it._ I'm feeling so antsy. My arms are shaking, my fingers keep moving, my teeth are chattering.

It was one of those dreams. The ones that feel so real. Yet every time I wake up, I'm alone in my bed. I spy a dozen boxes piled on top of each other across the room. I slowly make my way towards them. Clothes, pictures, everything I need to feel comfortable. Yeah, Kyla was definitely here. _I'm pushing up daisies. _I'm about to rummage through it when I spy my electric keyboard. I pick it up and gently place it across the coffee table. I search around for my guitar but end up empty. This'll have to do. I plug it in and let the first chord ring out into the suffocating room. This feels so routine. Having one of those dreams and instantly running to go write a song about it. I once has a dream she baked me brownies. It was the strangest thing. _I wish they were roses. _

I pull a melody together and before long I'm singing random lyrics that flow together smoothly. I sing about her angelic features. Her smile. And her baby blues. But then I instantly think about him. How he gets to look at her whenever he wants. How he gets to hold her, touch her, kiss her. My once light melody has turned into me pounding relentlessly against the keys. I back away from it and slouch back against the couch. My right hand comes up to cover my eyes, hoping to heal the stinging. I know tears are about to fall. _I feel like I'm dying. _I let them. I'm not sure why I cry. But when I do it takes a toll on me. Makes me open my eyes and realize that I'm alone. And that I hate it.

I feel the cushions next to me shift and feel arms wrap around me. I don't bother to look at the person. Kyla always smells like peaches. I lean into her chest and let my shaking fit consume me. _Just want you to notice. _

I shouldn't be feeling this way. He has been my friend since we were just kids. He was my only friend in high school before Kyla came along. He visited me after my accident every other day . I shouldn't be having hostility towards him.

Finally my sobs have stopped and are just faint hiccups now. I continue shaking in her arms. She tells me that she was trying to bargain with the nurses to let me have my guitar in here. She tells me I can't because I could easily take off the wire strings and harm myself. _Somehow the grave has captured me._ I don't think I'll ever do that again. At least not sober. Every part of my body is a time bomb now. The slightest touch sends a wave of pain through me. I've lived so long with numb limbs, it's the strangest feeling now. She rubs her hand along my arm and repeats comforting words to me. I then realize how great a mother Kyla is going to be when she has kids. She tells me how she broke a lamp while trying to pack it up. I could care less. She releases me and backs away until there's space between us. She holds me at arms length and looks at me with those caring eyes. _Shows me who I used to be._

"How did we end up here, Ash?"

I study her face. Her complexion is paler than usual. She's got dark bags under her eyes. Her forehead has the slightest worry line appearing. I've done this to her. With my wild antics and carefree lifestyle. I've just been living for myself for so long, that having someone actually care about me is still new territory. I can't keep being the reason Kyla stays awake at night. I can't keep thinking solely about myself. _Just when I feel my breath is running out. _I'm going to change for me. But most of all, I'm going to do this for my angel. Because she deserves more than the wreck I am now. Because she deserves someone stable. Someone without wrists that have stories to tell. Someone who doesn't fall so easily into substances. Someone who can share their life with her. Someone who can love her unconditionally. _The earth moves and you find me._

Can I be that person? No. I shake away the thought. But Aiden can. With his large hands and sloppy kisses.

I shake my head and ask, "Do you think I can change?" She looks at me thoughtfully and says of course. And that I should never doubt myself. That I'm strong. Funny thing is, I'm feeling so weak right now. _Broken and empty, but you don't care._ She tells me that she's going to be with me every step of the way. I wonder why she has so much faith in me. I wonder when I ever gave her a reason to see so much beauty in my shit of a life. She tells me that she believes in me. That we're going to get through this rut together. I fight off the urge to tell her to fuck off and leave me alone when the moment becomes too intense. Even if I did, she's Kyla. She's not going anywhere. My want for loneliness quickly subsides. Maybe that's just what I need. Someone to help me. _Cause you are my rapture, you are my savoir. _She cups my cheeks roughly, forcing me to look at her.

"I know you're capable of so much more than this," She says. "You've got a heart of gold. You just need someone to find some faith in you." She says the words like this has happened before and is now just history repeating. I shake my head in affirmation. She's telling me that I need to change. "Do it for me." She looks away briefly. When she speaks again her voice is soft and small, but it still sends chills down my spine, "Change for Spencer."

My muse. She deserves someone strong. She deserves to have songs written about her. She deserves so much more than I can offer. She deserves something that money can't buy. Can I give her that? _When all my hope is gone, I reach for you._

I tell her that enough is enough. That I'm tired of being broken. That I'm tired of hurting everyone around me. I promise her all these things as if I've said this speech a thousand times. I tell her that I'm going to change. That I'm not going to just sit around and watch the world pass me by. _You are my rescue. _My tirade seems to encourage her since she's bouncing up and down on the couch now.

I catch myself doubting. That I don't have it in me to change my ways. Thinking that I'll never be good enough for anyone. Never be good enough for an angel. Kyla must have noticed because she takes my chin between her thumb and index finger.

"You've done it before, you can do it again." I'm not sure what she means but it brings me hope. I'm going to change. For Kylas sake. For mine.

We both hear the door shut. She comes in closer, a soft smile playing at her lips. _You are my rescue. _She sits on the table next to my keyboard in front of us. She informs us that she'll be heading home. I quickly glance at the clock on the wall. 11 P.M. She tells me that if I need anything she's number one on the speed dial. Her numbers already programmed into it. _I'm pushing up daisies, I wish they were roses. _I nod my head. She shares a smile with Kyla before leaving the room. She shuts the door and I try to stay still. I look over at Kyla and find her looking at me. She motions her head towards the door. I'm on my feet in a heartbeat. I pull the door open and glance down the long hallway. I see her halfway down it. _I feel like I'm dying. _I run up to her and place a hand on her shoulder, tugging her around gently to look at me. She quirks an eyebrow. Her baby blues making me weak in the knees. Her eyes are asking me what's wrong. Asking me to let her inside my head without complication.

My voice is unrecognizable when I speak to her, "I want to change for you, Spencer Isabelle Carlin."

_Just want you to notice._

* * *

This new Reader Traffic thing is so cool! Hello friends in Canada (EH?!), Australia, UK, Mexico (Hola!), Sweden, Norway, Philippines (Kumusta ka?), Netherlands, Brazil, Puerto Rico, France (Bonjour!), Germany (Wie geht es Ihnen?), New Zealand, Colombia and Finland!! :D Don't think I forgot about all you sweethearts spread out across the states. ;)

**Contorce: **See, you're a smart cookie! :) You can figure out my mess of a mind. And I think I'm starting to like the flashbacks too!**  
Farah A:** Ugh, I know. Grossie. I liked writing this chapter because I got to rag on him. :)**  
2162008:** Of course I acknowledge you guys! Without you I'd be nothing! :D**  
MDVL:** I didn't really want Aiden to be a big part of the story... but I guess now he has to be. Grosstth!**  
TROPPER12:** Thank you. I felt much better after I saw all of your reviews! :D**  
Usagi-Chan:** I hate Aiden too. Especially since he got all emo. Seriously? GAG me.**  
Eaglesenior: **I know, I know. I'm evil.**  
crickett13:** Everybody loves a good cliffhanger! :D  
**Momo The Great: **Pieces of her, eh? You might just be right. ;)  
**awe:** Hehehehe. Do you think I could forget that line?! IT HAUNTS MY DREAMS! ...K not really. But like I said before, you'll just have to wait. ;)  
**u.luv.me:** Theres only Spaiden because this story needs some DRAMA! Bahah.  
**DaPhoenix:** Not a lot of drama yet... but there will be.  
**kaila5707:** Maybe you'll like Aiden in the future... maybe not IDK! :)  
**niknakiniki:** YAY FOR NEW READERS! :D  
**Not n2 Labels: **I really liked your review, so thank you! If I could hug you, I totally would! :)  
**xvolcom11x: **Thank you for clearing it up this time. :) Hehehe.

Please review! :D


	7. Adore

**Disclaimer:** I own nothing SON related! Except this week I own Spencer... :  
**A/N:** Unnnghhh.. I've got so much shit to do before school starts back up. Got to do some DMV stuff, finish my summer assignment and... something else I'm forgetting at the moment. Classes start on the 19th, so if I don't update by then... it was nice knowing you all. :( Hehe. Just kidding. I'm not dying.  
**A/N for the story:** AHHHHHH! WE FINALLY GOT TO **107**! Thank you all sooo much! This is the most reviews I've ever gotten! :D This is SPENCERs point of view. If the beginning sounds familiar, it's because it's from the last chapter! ;) **CAUTION:** If the mere MENTION of sex with Aiden disturbs you, drop this fic and run for your lives. Seriously. RUN! It pained me to write even that _one_ word. Ughh... Uhh... I'm probably forgetting to tell you guys a lot of things... Oh well. :)

* * *

I can feel my eyes widen when I finally look at him. I began biting my tongue to keep from screaming. My breathing picks up and a light sweat has spread itself across my forehead. I look back at her, my eyes clearly bulging out of their sockets. I focus on her features. Her brow is furrowed, her lips are slightly parted and her eyes are squinted. I watch her take her bottom lip between her teeth. She adds a small head tilt. She untucks her lips and opens her mouth to speak.

"Aiden?" Her voice is tiny, when she-- Wait a minute. Did she just say his name? She remembers him?! Oh, CUT ME A FUCKING BREAK HERE!

Before Aiden can come any closer, I stand up and meet him halfway. He's making that face that clearly shows he's worried about the situation. I pretend not to notice and give him a small reassuring smile. It seems to have calm his nerves as he leans down and places a chaste kiss on my lips. For some reason, I'm slightly taken back. I quickly turn around to find Ashleys intense gaze. I lose my train of though when I notice her features. She's clenching her teeth, her jaws tightening. Now all she's missing is the hands curling into fists and it's just like in high school when anyone who wasn't her touched me or came too close. I'm quickly remind that Aiden is still in the room and find it in me to speak.

"Um… we'll be right back, ok Ashley?" I turn around slowly, but not before noticing her hands curl into tight fists. I quickly open the door and lead Aiden out of it. Once I'm sure it's shut, I lean against it and look up at Aiden. He's staring at the ground, biting his bottom lip and pacing slightly. He's making that worried look that he uses all the time because he thinks it's cute and it'll get him out of trouble. It just makes me kind of want to hit him in the face. He looks up at me with big puppy dog eyes, his chin tilted slightly into his chest.

"Hey…" I try weakly. When he doesn't respond I try again, "What brings you here?" He stops his slight pacing and steps directly in front of me. He runs a hand through the small poof of his hair. He lets out a sigh.

"I figured you hadn't eaten yet and thought that maybe you'd want to catch a late lunch… but it seems you're busy."

"That's very thoughtful of you."

"Yeah, well…" He trails off. His eyes begin to glaze over in a slight watery film. He starts fidgeting with his hands in front of him.

"Is everything ok?"

He looks back up at me, "I should be asking you that."

I raise an eyebrow at him, "Of course, why wouldn't I be?"

"Because of _her_. Remember? The girl that broke your heart?" The way he says it doesn't sit well with me, I shift uneasily.

"Yeah, I remember." I look away briefly and run a hand through my hair. I look back up at him.

"You don't seem very upset over it. I mean, after all, it's not like you cried for years after her. It's not like you didn't date anyone else until you ran into me. It's not like you've had intimacy issues. It's not like--"

"--Aiden. What's this all about?" He's frustrated now. The muscles in his arms are tightening. He's exhaling through his mouth loudly and a frown has found home on his lips.

"I'm just saying, for someone who never wanted to see her again, you seem to be handling this pretty well."

I cross my arms over my chests and tilt my head at him. He's agitating me with all of his movements. "I mean, it's different but--"

"--Then why don't you get another doctor to cover for you? You're not the only one that works here." He suggests quickly.

"Dr. Lynn assigned me to her specifically…" He begins to pace once more, placing his hand against his forehead. "Why is this bothering you so much?" He stops in his tracks quickly. I watch him fumble for an answer before meeting my gaze.

"I just… don't want her to… hurt you again." I stare at him for a few seconds before wrapping my arms around his torso, as if on cue. His strong arms wrap themselves around my shoulders. I place my right cheek tightly against his chest and close my eyes, listening to his steady heartbeat. "I'm just looking out for you." For the briefest moment, I feel at ease. Like when I'm in his arms it's like…. I'm _comfortable_. Like I don't have the weight of the world on my shoulders. Like I don't have to fight for his love.

"I know you are. But she's my friend… and she's yours too. She needs us now more than ever."

I feel his grip loosen slightly and I do the same. I back away until I'm arms length from him. He looks me deeply in the eyes, placing his large hands on my forearms.

"I love you, you know that right?" I nod my head and give him a small half smile. "Proposing to you was the greatest choice I've ever made. I can't wait to spend the rest of my life with you." I struggle to find words.

"I..uhh.. I…."

"Hey Spe-- Aiden!" Our gazes both land to our sides. I see her walking down the hallway with her hands behind her back. God, I'm so glad she's here.

"Kyla? Hey! It's good to see you!" They wrap their arms around each other briefly. She catches my eyes and I'm telling her that she's a lifesaver. She seems to catch my drift as she lets out a sly smile. She looks back up at Aiden.

"It's good to see you too! Hey, why don't we catch up at the cafeteria? We can grab something to eat. I haven't eaten anything except those airplane peanuts. Seriously, an eight hour flight deserves more than a dozen peanuts. I wanted some fucking steak or--"

"--Actually…" He looks between me and Kyla quickly, "How about sometime later? I kind of want to sit in on Ashley's session." I shoot him a questioning glare. He knows he can't because A) it's an invasion of privacy and B) he thinks sessions are boring.

I shake my head, "You know you can't do that, Aiden. It's against policy."

He looks defeated, "Oh…yeah. I guess it just… slipped my mind." He looks down before quickly looking back up. "Can I at least say my hellos to her? I mean, I've already disrupted your guys' session. What's another five minutes?" _A lifetime._ Whoa, where did that come from?

I look over at Kyla who just shrugs.

"Yeah, you guys do that. I just gotta finish setting Ashleys room up, we can just meet up afterwards."

With that she's off and I'm left with a goofy smiling Aiden. I let out a sigh and shake my head at his childish ways. I turn the doorknob and motion him to go in first. He giggles like a little girl before skipping in. By the time I shut the door and lean against it, I already see him crushing her in his arms. I don't see how they could of ever dated, she's just so tiny compared to him. I try to stifle my laughter when she pats his back awkwardly. I begin to drown out his voice when she backs away and I can clearly see her face. I watch as she fidgets under his gaze. I watch her brows knit and her arms cross uneasily. I watch her briefly run her tongue across her lips. Finally I'm met with the deepest shade of brown. I can see her lips moving as she continues talking to him, her eyes never leaving mine. I begin biting the skin at the top of my thumb.

I watch as she struggles to let out a smile. It's one of _those_ smiles. The one that shows she's clearly uncomfortable. She used to refer to them as her school photo smiles.

His voice finally breaks through, "You should see how the girls react to me here, Ash. They go _nuts_! They're always like, 'Oh, Aiden. You're so sexy. Take off your shirtttt.'" I fight off the urge to roll my eyes.

She has that look on her face. The one that clearly gives away her intentions. She's thinking up a plan to get out of here. Then it happens. It starts off slowly. Her eyebrows raising, her lips parting and then the overly dramatic, "Ahhhhh…" That yawn was so fake, it makes Barbie look real. No wonder she never went into acting. She finally breaks our intense eye conversation to look at Aiden briefly. "I'm tired." She says. Her voice monotone and lacking fatigue. I watch him capture her in his arms again. I look down at her feet and see her right knee jerking up slightly as if she has a twitch.

When he finally lets her go, she rushes past him, her eyes glued to the floor. She moves closer to me, refusing eye contact. She stops in front of me when she realizes that I'm not moving.

"Ashley?" She raises her head slightly, a small smile playing at her lips.

"If you don't mind… I think I'm going to go take a nap." I bite my bottom lip and nod, moving slightly away from the door. She opens it and steps out. The gust of wind from her movement allows me to inhale the slight scent of lavender. I reach out to touch her bare skin with my hand. Electrical sparks shoot from my palm and inject themselves in my veins. Her head turns towards me quickly. I retrieve my hand to my chest, cupping it with my left hand.

The soft copper of her eyes renders me speechless. I'm silently telling her to remember me. To remember what it felt like to hold each other. To kiss each other. To love each other. I finally find my voice and start again,

"I'll see you later." I say, assuring her that I'll never abandon her like the rest of the people in her life. She scans my face once more before quickly making her way out.

I bite my lip again and turn around. He's making that worried look. His arms are crossed and his body slack. He's staring me down. We stand in silence before I finally speak,

"Let's go meet Kyla."

* * *

"Remember how hard you tried to get with her? And then she ended up being a man!" Kyla lets out an obnoxious laugh as she finishes her story. I chuckle when I see Aidens bright red face. He hides his face in his hands.

"I didn't know, ok?" He mumbles through his palms.

Kyla scoffs, "You could _totally _see his package through his mini skirt!" They laugh together in the memory while I stay sullen. I'm looking down at my plate, picking at what ever is left with my fork. I hear Aiden rambling on and look up briefly. Kylas warm eyes are reading me like an open book. I hesitate before finally looking away. Aiden slaps at his arms and goes on about the small bug that just sucked his blood in a vicious attack.

"It's so tiny…" He says childishly thumbing the gnat, "It's like you need a magnifying glass to see it."

Kyla lets out a chuckle, "That's what _Spencer _said." I let out a broad smile at Kylas immature ways. Aiden joins in with the laughter before coming to a slow stop, realization slowly creeping over him.

"Hey! That's not funny. I'll have you know what I'm packing is hugeeee." He winks at the both of us as Kyla scoffs.

"I've seen it before, Aiden. It's tiny." She turns to face me, measuring about half an inch with her thumb and index while mouthing loudly, 'This big.' I let out a small laugh before turning my attention back to my plate.

All I can seem to think about is Ashley. What she's doing right now. What she's thinking about. I glance over at Aiden, who's talking with big hand gestures. He doesn't deserve this. He deserves someone who loves him one hundred percent, not someone whose caught up in some past romance.

"Well I should get going, I got a lot of packing to do tonight." He says while standing from his chair and pushing it in.

"Where you heading?" Kyla asks, remaining in her seat.

"Basketball seasons finally starting back up. The teams flying out to L.A. for the first game tomorrow morning." He leans down slightly towards me. "I'll see you later, baby." He winks at me before kissing my cheek. I just nod my head and watch him walk off. I turn my head to look back at Kyla. Her warm eyes staring so intently into mine. Her face emotionless. She groans as she pushes out of her chair,

"Come on, Carlin. I got something to show you."

* * *

"Kyla, I've already seen my office." I say as I walk past her and sit in my desk chair. She lets out a sarcastic laugh and begins rummaging through her purse before finding a DVD. She holds it up towards me as she walks over to the T.V. After fumbling with it for a few minutes the video finally comes on.

"_Let's go King High!"_ I watch with a scowl as green cheer uniforms jump around the gym floor. The camera shakes frantically for a few seconds before calming down. I watch as the blurry figures wave their pom poms around.

"Ugh. Kyla, _really_? Do I need to see this?"

"Shut up and watch."

The camera suddenly zooms in, trailing a bouncing cheerleader. I hear Ashley's husky chuckle as I study my own blonde hair on the screen.

"_That's my girl."_ Suddenly the video cuts to black. I look over at Kyla, who is now standing to the left of my desk, eyes glued to the screen. The video cuts back in, but to a different view. Ashley's rolling around on the ground giggling while Kyla attempts to sit her up with one hand from behind the camera.

"_Come on, Ash. We're making this tape for a reason. If you being drunk is the only way I can get you to do this, then so be it."_

….This isn't a weird sex tape is it?

Ashley sits up sloppily, resting the back of her head on the wall behind her. She looks into the camera, pointing at it with her index finger.

"_Fuck you, Spencer Isabelle Carlin. You ruined my life."_ She rolls her head from side to side before giggling softly to herself. _"You and your baby blue eyes. Your golden hair. Your smile…. Your warm skin… fuck."_ My eyes are glued to the screen as I watch her pound her head against the wall.

"_Tell me. What did you first think when you saw her?"_ Kyla, the voice of reason, asks.

Ashley fiddles with her fingers for a moment before looking back into the camera, her head swaying uneasily.

"_I first saw her…. Atthelunchtables."_ Her words slurred and rushed. _"She was sitting at the cheerleading table with Madison, yaknow? Cause her brother and Madison were….whatever." _She raises a hand to her mouth and lets out a loud burp before giggling. _"When I looked at her, I didn't see a relationship. I saw a conquest. A gooooood fuck. I knew exactlyyyyyyy how I was going to do it too. I'd turn on the old Davies charm, treat her like she was just shit under my feet, tease her and then bed her. Fuck 'em and leave 'em, ya know?….. But….then I kissed her._" Her head drops slightly.

"_What was it like?"_

Her head sways as she studies the ground, _"Magical. It sent chills down my spine. But the strangest part was, she didn't taste like a one night stand or a fuck buddy. She tasted like a girlfriend, a relationship,"_ She lets out a scoff, _"A wife. Her cherry lips and warm mouth said so much when she wasn't even saying anything at all. It was like she was promising me forever in that one simple kiss."_

She begins pulling at her t-shirt, pounding her right fist against her chest. _"God, my fucking heart. Why does it got to hurt so much?"_ It's a few minutes of silence, Ashleys shaking has subsided slightly, her sobs quiet.

"_And then what happened?"_ She looks back into the camera.

"_I fell in love."_ She sits up straight and looks further up the cameras view at Kyla, _"Turn it off now."_ The screen cuts to black.

* * *

It's been about two hours since Kyla has left my office and all I can do is wander around. I make my way towards the nurses station. I lean against the counter and look over at Kristine and Sara. Before I can open my mouth my phone goes off.

"_I kissed a girl and I liked it… the taste of her cherry chapstick." _Well… that doesn't scream gay. I fumble in my pocket to answer the phone as quick as possible. I see the two older nurses smirk at each other from the corner of my eye.

"Hello?"

"_SPENCER. Can you get those bitchy old nurses to let Ashley have her guitar? Seriously, she goes all psycho if she doesn't have it."_ Her voice seems to echo as I look around the room. I see her standing a few feet away with her back turn towards us. I shut the phone and walk up to her. "Spencer? Spencer?! BITCH, YOU HUNG UP ON ME!"

"I'm right behind you, you know." She jumps slightly before turning around.

She points behind me to the nurses station, "Older and Ancient over there won't let Ashley have her guitar."

"Well, she is a suicide risk. She could easily take off the wire strings and harm herself."

"Look, Spence. It's just…. She has these _dreams_. Before she just used to do a line of coke to forget about it. But I found that if she writes about it, it helps her more. She writes songs, that's just what she does to get over it. It helps her get it off her chest."

"What does she have dreams about?"

Kyla shifts to her left foot, crossing her arms and looking at the ground. She looks around briefly before looking back at me, "You."

* * *

My office is dark, the only light is the small desk lamp illuminating only a foot in diameter. The dark sky outside my window informs me that it's past my quitting time. Ashleys file is open on my desk. I've been searching through it, taking notes, tying in information I've learned and information I already knew. I push my head tighter into my hands. I'm trying to stay as late as I can. Aidens leaving tomorrow, meaning he's probably waiting up for me. I know what he wants. I'm just hoping that if I come home late enough he'll be asleep. I close up Ashley's file and tuck away my notes in the desk drawer. I walk around my desk and grab my bag from the chair. I reach over the desk and shut off the light before walking in darkness to the door. I'm halfway down the hall when I spy the hallway leading to Ashleys room and hesitate mid-step. I should probably go say bye to Kyla.

Suddenly, I find myself at the door. I study the cracks in the oak. My palms are sweating and I'm biting my bottom lip. I grab the doorknob and open it quietly. I see them sitting on the couch, staring intently at each other. I shut the door quietly behind me, standing awkwardly when their gazes land upon me. I feel as though I've just intruded on a private moment. I let out a small smile as I make my way towards them. They straighten out on the couch. I sit on the table next to Ashley's keyboard. I spy some notepads with writing on the ground by Ashley's feet. I place my hands on my thighs.

"I just wanted to tell you guys that I'm heading home now."

Kyla nods her head as Ashley stays still.

I direct what I say next to Ashley, "If you need anything, I'm number one on the speed dial." I point to the phone somewhere behind my back, "My numbers already programmed in…"

She nods her head. I look over at Kyla who has a small smile on her lips. She's telling me that Ashley's safe. That I don't need to worry. That we're going to overcome this. I smile at her before standing up.

I shut the door behind me and let out a breath I wasn't aware I was holding. God, I don't want to go home. I slowly make my way down the hallway thinking up ideas. Maybe I can stop at a diner or something. Maybe hang out with Kristine. Maybe Sara's willing to let me stay over for the night. Maybe-- I feel a hand on my right shoulder. I turn around and find her wide eyes. I raise an eyebrow at her, asking her if everything is alright. If she needs anything. If she suddenly remembers me.

"I want to change for you, Spencer Isabelle Carlin."

My heart stops. Does she remember?

"Wh...what?" I manage out.

She fumbles with her fingers, "I just… I want to change. I don't want to be this broken toy anymore. I want to live without this constant ache. I want to change. And you're the reason for it. I want you to be able to look at me without pity. I want you to be proud of me."

My heart starts slowly beating again. No, of course she doesn't remember me. I can't help but smile at her and she returns it. All I can do is nod my head. I watch as she walks back down the hall and closes the door behind her.

* * *

With one final thrust, he's done. His groan echoing throughout the room. He collapses on top of me. His sweaty body quickly contrasting with my dry skin. He rolls off of me as I lay motionless.

"That was amazing, huh?" He says through pants, "Mind-blowing. God, I amaze myself."

I nod my head and continue staring up at the ceiling, like I did throughout the whole thing.

Before long his soft snores begin. I crawl out of bed and throw on a long t-shirt before heading down the stairs.

I feel disgusted with myself. I feel like an object. A dirty, filthy object.

When I came home I found him waiting up. A large smile on his face. It was tradition, him leaving me for months. Of course he expected a going away present. I laid stiff as he did what he pleased.

I find myself at the kitchen counter, sitting on a tall stool. I don't bother turning on any lights. The moonlight peering through the windows is enough. I rest my head in my hands. At least he'll be away for a while. I won't have to deal with any of his _surprises._ I hear the faint buzz of my cell phone, vibrating against the granite top. I reach around for it, not bothering to look up. I find it and quickly flip it open.

"Hello?"

There's a long pause before the person on the other line speaks. _"I'm sorry… I know it's late.. It's just…I couldn't sleep."_

My body instantly warms at her voice. All previous thoughts vanish from my mind.

"No, no. It's ok. I told you that you could call." I say through a smile. I straighten up in my seat and rest my left elbow on the counter, my cheek resting against my fist. There's some more hesitant silence.

"_I just needed to hear your voice."_

* * *

And this is the bottom. :)

**Contorce:** Wonderful review, as usual. ;)**  
Eaglesenior: **I hope you got my PM. But if not it was Ashleys.**  
Farah A:** I hope this one was good too? :)**  
xvolcom11x: **Hehe the last line made me giggle. Anyways, aww yes. That fateful moment. I'm planning on waiting on it for at least a while. But until then, just wait. Oh man, it's going to be HUGGEEE! :)**  
itswhatever: **I thought I lost you! :) This review seriously made me so soooo happy. Yes, I know exactly what you mean. That's what I'm trying so hard to accomplish, and having someone tell me that I am is just completely AWEEESOME! :D**  
kaila5707:** Recognize her? Yes. Remember her, not just yet. ;)**  
2162008:** Nottt just yet, young grasshoppa! ;)**  
chloedarko: **Beautiful? :D  
**awe:** Well I'm glad to give you your first chapter! And sadly, no. Those lyrics are from the song "Rescue" by Seabird. I think the only chapter I used my own lyrics in so far is the first one. And it was like... a line haha.  
**Vanessa Riverton:** Thank you for all your reviews! Haha.  
**TROPPER12:** Yep, she's like the little engine that could!  
**Momo The Great:** This review made me say aw. Haha I like that. I might use that later in a chapter, if that's ok with you? :D  
**Conscious: **Hehe thank you!

Please review! :D


	8. Silver Lining

**Disclaimer:** I own nothingggg!  
**A/N: **I have to get this out now or else I'm not going to get it out until next Sunday. Eekk, that wouldn't of been nice. I don't think I mentioned this... and it's way late but... do any of you watch Americas Best Dance Crew? I CAN'T BELIEVE FANNY PAK GOT SENT HOME! :( I don't like the two remaining crews. :( FANNY PAKKKKKKKK! :D  
**A/N for story:** It was so funny reading all of your reviews. Seriously all of them were like, "Ew... AIDEN." HAHA! Umm... OH yeah. **The song used in this chapter is "Rest Of My Life" by Rilo Kiley.** Yayy. I keep **switching tenses** for these reasons. Italicized and in PRESENT tense are meant to be known as dreams/flashbacks. Italicized and PAST tense are just flashbacks, not dreams. Theres three flashbacks in here so I thought I'd just give you a heads up. I'm forgetting to tell you guys a lot of things. Umumum... I beta'ed this myself... Ughh... Idk. That's all I got.  
**UPDATE: **Omg. I wrote the break up chapter last night. I CAN'T WAIT TO POST IT! :D Hehehe. But... that'll have to wait. Gotta story to tell ya know? ;)

* * *

_She has a smile on her face as she hovers above me. Her bikini clad body pressing deliciously against mine. She's got her hands placed on either side of my head, digging tightly into the sand. Her long, golden locks are cascading down the right side of her face, forming a makeshift curtain from curious eyes. I reach up to hold her precious face in my hands as she lowers herself closer. I can feel the sensitive skin of my stomach graze across her bare skin every time I take a breath, every time she takes a breath. The beach blanket below me is covered in warm sand. The once torturous sun is now blocked from my view thanks to my human blanket. I feel her snake her right knee between my own, gently parting my legs the tiniest bit. She rests herself against my thigh and I let out a light gasp from the warmth of her skin. She caresses her sandy feet with my own. _

_All I can do is stare into her blue eyes. The sky behind her head lacking in comparison. I run a hand through her damp tresses. I follow the curve of the back of her head until I'm cupping the back of her neck. I'm urging her towards me, but she stays put. Her genuine smile turning into a light smirk. I try again, tugging a little more forcefully this time. She doesn't budge. I watch the muscles in her arm strain when I run my hands down the outside of them, lightly scratching. I reach her wrists and repeat the process. She's staring so intently at me as I lace my fingers with hers, my palms against the back of her hands. I feel her dig her fingers tighter into the sand. Finally, she lowers herself. Her lips barely a ghost against mine. She rubs the tip of her nose against mine in an Eskimo kiss before placing a light kiss on it. She pulls away slightly, not enough for us to lose contact, but enough so I can see all of her beautiful features. Her cheeks are a light pink, flushed from the sun. Her soft lips are dry, her tongue wiping across them repeatedly. She lowers herself until her body is pressed flushed against mine. She buries her head into the crook of my neck, her cheek resting on my right shoulder. I wrap my arms around her waist, resting both hands on the small of her back. I revel at the touch, the sound of waves crashing just a distant whisper. _

_I place my lips against her exposed neck. My tongue daring enough to jet out and taste it. The taste of salt water and all that is Spencer invade my senses. I place light kisses all along her neck before reaching the curve of her shoulder. I claim a piece of the skin between her neck and shoulder in my mouth, sucking lightly. I nip at it occasionally getting a light gasp from her as she digs her nose tighter into my neck. I place my tongue flat across it before admiring my work. The dark mark is sure to raise some questions from her mother. I feel her lips curl into a small smile against my skin. She knows what I've done. The simple gesture enough to assure her and anyone else that she is mine as I am hers. I shut my eyes and revel in the sound of her breathing._

_"I don't want you to leave." It's barely above a whisper but I hear it loud and clear, as though she's screaming it._

_"I don't have to."_

_"You haven't recorded a new album in a year."_

_"Yeah… well. I can find a studio in L.A. Besides three months away from you is too long." She raises herself above me again, I can tell without even opening my eyes by the lack of contact._

_"You can't put off your career just because I'm being a baby." I crack my eyes open and look at her stern face. I straighten myself from underneath her._

_"Just ask, Spence. You know I'll do anything for you." She bites her lip hesitantly, looking away briefly. When she looks back at me her eyes are unreadable._

_"Stay." It's a quiet plea that pulls at all my heartstrings and steals the air from my lungs._

_I smile at her, the bridge of my nose crinkling, "Ok."_

* * *

I awake to her soft breathing. The consistent rhythm acting as a soothing lullaby. My eyes betray me as they begin to close once more. I sit up from my seat on the couch and look at the time log on my phones screen.

Four hours and forty-seven minutes.

It's five minutes until 5 A.M. I place the phone back against my ear. A smile spreads itself across my face when I hear her soft murmurs. I can't bring myself to end this call. Her breathing in my ear ignites a warm feeling deep inside my chest. It spreads itself over my limbs and encircles me tightly. This unknown feeling just seems strangely familiar. As if this wasn't the first time I've awoken to her soft breaths. I brush away the thought when a new sound comes through the phone. I hear heavy footsteps making their way closer to the receiver.

_Spencer. Spencer?_ His deep voice makes my teeth clench and my fingers curl unpleasantly. I hear her let out a groan. _Spencer, I got to go my planes in an hour. Shouldn't you be getting ready for work?_ I hear a series of random beeps followed by a grunt. I hear what sounds like a raspberry against someone's cheek. _I love you so much, baby. I can't wait until you're mine forever. _I move the phone away from my ear quickly. I feel as though I'm intruding on a private moment. I hastily press the end button and shut my phone, placing it on the coffee table.

It was just a dream. She could never be mine.

* * *

_There are worst ways to spend my time. _I hear a groggy yawn from behind me, she tells me that she's been watching me for the past twenty minutes. She asks me how long I've been staring at the wall. I tell her since five before quickly informing her that it's not considered staring if my eyes are closed. I straighten out my back and hear her soft footsteps against the wooden floor. She informs me that it's almost 8 A.M now. I stay quiet. Her voice is soft when she speaks again.

"Bad dream?" The sofa next to me dips from the sudden shift of weight. She can read me like a book. She always seems to know the reasons behind my moods, as if she's been putting up with it for all of her life. _Than to sit and think of you._ I tell her no. That it was a great dream. She asks me why I'm meditating then. That I only do that when I'm stressed or anxious.

"I woke up and…. reality kicked in." She doesn't say anything. I can feel her shift closer and place her head against my shoulder.

"Shouldn't you be getting ready? We have that family counseling session with Dr. Carlin." My body instantly tenses. _I think I'd marry you. _I think back to the dream. How can something that my mind makes up unconsciously feel so real when I awake? It's as though her fingertips were once upon my skin. Her breath once grazed against my ear. Her lips were once against mine. I shake my head. No. It's just all in my head. I finally realize Kylas lack of presence, when I hear the shower running. I shut my eyes tighter and slouch back against the couch, resting my head against the cushions.

_I began pulling at her shirt. She pulled back, groaning at my intentions._

"_Ash, you know we can't." I rolled my eyes at her._

"_Come on, Spence! I'm getting sexually frustrated over here!"_

_She let out a chuckle, "I swear you're secretly a teenage boy." She shook her head. "My parents are in the next room!"_

"_Then you'll just have to be quiet then won't you?" I tackled her once more until she laid flat against her bed. I grasped the warm skin of her stomach from under her shirt. She grabbed handfuls of my hair and pulled me closer. I maneuvered my way between her legs, pressing my hipbone tightly against her. _

"_Is that your cell phone in your pocket or are you just happy to see me?" She said against my lips. I pressed my lips tight against hers once more. I swallowed her moan before she pulled away again. Her lips were swollen and her eyes were a shade of midnight blue. "Sometimes I think you only want me for my body." She said, her voice undeniably husky. She pushed at my chest, moving me from the space between her legs. She leaned back on her elbows. I took a deep breath and tried to control my raging hormones._

"_You know that's not true." She bowed her head. I grabbed her chin between my thumb and index, forcing her to look at me. "Spencer, I'm so in love with you. I don't think I'll ever stop being in love with you. You're everything. You're my everything. You're the meaning in my words, the bounce in my step, the blood in my veins, the breath in my lungs. You're the reason I smile everyday, the reason I get up in the morning, the reason I live." I stared deeply into her eyes._

"_That was beautiful, Ash." She said, a tear slipping from the corner of her eye. I cupped her cheek and wiped the lone tear away with my thumb._

"_I know, I could write a song about it." I joked, hoping to lighten the situation. She shoved me gently, before looking at me thoughtfully. _

"_You would write a song about me?" Her face was angelic as she tilted her head slightly. I lean forward and placed a soft lingering kiss on her lips._

"_Every song I write is about you." I said against her lips._

* * *

_Just your smile, leaves me satisfied. _I didn't hear the door open. Or even hear it close. But I could hear her soft footsteps. Although we've known each other briefly, I can tell it's her. It's the way she walks. She doesn't trudge, she bounces. Her footsteps aren't heavy. They're light, as if she glides above the ground. I can tell she's standing in front of me from behind my closed eyelids. I can tell she's shifting onto her left foot, both of the toes of her shoes pointing inward. She's probably fidgeting with her hands in front of her waist. And she is unmistakably biting at her bottom lip as she looks at me, wondering what's going on in my head. I lazily open my eyes and take in her posture, a light smirk forming at my lips when I realize I'm right. _Though you're not mine._

She tells me that she has to supervise me. That I could possibly drown myself while showering, or harm myself while I'm tying my shoes. I ask her if this is just a lame excuse to see me naked. A shy smiles form on her lips as she looks away. Her cheeks covered in a light blush. She mumbles a response as I get up from the couch and head towards the bedroom. Kyla has already laid out some of my clothes on the bed. _So for the rest of my life. _I pull off my shirt and let it drop carelessly to the floor. I open the bathroom door and hear her slowly follow. I pull down my boy boxers and glance over my shoulder at her. Her eyes are adverted and the tint in her cheeks has darken. A sly smile makes its way to my lips as I step into the shower.

She follows me into the bedroom as I towel dry my hair. After putting on a cropped Purple Venom shirt that barely covers me, I pull on a pair of tight low rise jeans. I move over to the dresser and spread vanilla lotion all over my bare arms before spraying myself with a lavender body spray. I'm about to turn around when I spy it. _I'm going to search for someone just like you._

I took it off and left it on my coffee table in New York before I slit my wrists. I thought I'd never see it again. It's red yarn, obviously worn from the years, acts like a safety blanket. It's familiarity slowing my heart beats just a tad. I reach out to touch the friendship bracelet before slipping it onto my wrist. I readjust the perfectly woven laces and notice the deep scar already forming behind it.

I'm not sure why I wear it. Or even when I got it. I just know that I'm never without it. Two days ago was the first time it has ever left my wrist in years. I turn around and find her staring intently at me. Her soft blue eyes are so clear and full of hope. We just stare at each other, letting silence envelope us. I don't mind and she doesn't seem to either. Finally, she clears her throat,

"We should go. Kyla's waiting in my office."

* * *

_And we tend the garden, all day long. _I can feel both sets of eyes on me. We're sitting in a misshaped triangle. I feel as though I'm facing a firing squad. She clicks her pen a few times before placing it down on her clipboard. She asks me if I have any questions. I hesitate, a million questions suddenly flooding my mind. Why are you marrying Aiden? Why do you smile at me with so much care? Why does your presence calm my nerves? Why do you invade all of my dreams? Why do you seem so familiar? I look her dead in the eyes,

"How do you know if you love someone?" _Watching history unfold. _

I can see Kyla swing her head around to look at Spencer from the corner of my eye. Her ocean eyes never leave mine. _And I'd be enough. _She says when you know you want to be with them forever. I counter back that people promise forever all the time. That forever is just like 'I love you' now-a-days, it's just said. There's no meaning behind it, no emotion. _And you'd be enough. _A small smile graces her pink lips.

"Well, when I say I want to be with you forever, I mean it."

_And we'd grow old. _A wave of emotion creeps over me as my eyes shut.

"_Do you really have to go, Spence?" She pulled at her skirt before pulling off her shirt and settling on the one I offered earlier. She pulled the light blue tank top over her head._

"_I don't want to go either, but it makes my mom happy. So it gets her off our backs for a little while." I watched as she ties her hair in a loose side ponytail. _

"_She's not very fond of me." She plopped down onto the bed next to my outstretched legs._

"_She'll warm up to you eventually." I pouted my lips dramatically. _

"_You're going to be out with someone that isn't me. A guy! And I'm just supposed to sit at home and be o.k. with that? Be o.k. with the fact that someone else is touching you?"_

"_Whoa, whoa, whoa. This is just the first date. Touching doesn't happen until at least the second!" She must have noticed the real pout that formed on my face. She laid herself across my legs and placed a soft kiss on my lips. She rested her forehead against mine. "I'm yours, forever. And I'll love you, forever." _

_I shook my head, moving hers in the process._

"_You can't promise forever. You don't know what'll happen a year from now, two years from now, five years from now. How do you know that you'll even still want to be with me?" She pouted her lips until they grazed against mine._

"_Well, when I say I want to be with you forever, I mean it."_

I open my eyes to find her intense gaze. _So for the rest of my life._ Her cobalt eyes are so unreadable. I can feel the hair on my arms stand. A chill makes its way through my body, as my shakes start again. They're just soft tremors at first, starting with shaky hands and spreading to my arms. By the time my forehead forms a light sheen of sweat, my whole body is overcome with shaking. I bounce my leg nervously up and down. I run a hand through my hair roughly. The warmth in my chest begins smoldering against my ribcage. It's accompanied with the beating. I can feel it, I can hear it, I can see it. Like a bright light flashing in my eyes. My teeth begin chattering. My vision becomes blurry from tears. I place my shaky hand against my right knee hoping to still the jerking.

_I'm going to search for someone just like you._

All of a sudden my movements are halted. The thumping is just a dull buzz, my shaking fit has subsided. I blink my eyes trying to clear my vision. The hand on my knee is covered with her own. I look up at her. Her eyes are telling me that she's here. That I have nothing to be afraid of. That I'm safe. I look back down at our hands before flipping mine over and gently gripping hers. Slowly, her fingers curl around my hand. I look up and meet her smiling face. She squeezes it reassuringly before loosening her grip. Reluctantly, I let go.

"M-maybe we should take a break."

* * *

_For the rest of my life. _It's been two hours. Although for me it seems so much longer than that. Kyla had disappeared so I wandered around by myself. I ended up at her office, of all places. I'm sitting in the chair I sat it when I first entered her office. I've got my right elbow propped up on the armrest. My chin's resting thoughtfully on my fist as I gaze out the window. The clouds are a light gray, the sun hidden strategically behind a group of them. The door open and she walks in. No, she bounces in. Glides, even. She doesn't seem surprised at my presence as she sits down on the chair in front of me. She looks at me thoughtfully. Tilting her head, making observations. She smiles. Why is she always so fucking happy? I haven't been truly happy in years. _I'm going to search for someone just like you. _

"What makes you happy?" I snap my head in her direction. Is she a mind reader? I tell her music makes me happy. Writing music, making music. That I love the sound of instruments stopping in the middle of a song, only hearing my voice, but then hearing hundreds of people join in as if they wrote my words themselves.

"That's what makes you happy?" I nod my head. I tell her that I can't imagine my life without it. It's silent before she stands. She nods her head towards the window. She tells me that it's nice outside despite the darkening clouds. I follow her into the garden.

There we walk slowly around the path. I tell her stories from my tours, from my childhood. How my father used to sing me to sleep. How I loved watching him on the television. Her face is emotionless every time I glance over at her. It's almost as if none of this new information is new to her. _Yeah, for the rest of my life. _She tells me that if music is what makes me happy, we're going to work towards that. Make me sturdy enough to stand on my own and perform in front of people once again. She tells me that she'll be my side all along the way. I smile. The muscles in my face feeling so strained from the new action. I follow her to sit on a bench. She looks at me shyly before looking away quickly. I quirk an eyebrow at her when she turns back to look at me. A shy smile is on her face. She thanks me for last night and I'm utterly confused. I stutter my response. I tell her that I called her, that she comforted me, not the other way around. She shakes her head with a smile and says that she knows. That even though I fell asleep an hour and a half into the conversation she appreciated it. She says that it was the strangest thing. That hearing my breathing on the other line soothed her to sleep. Her eyes lock with mine. She speaks with a soft smile,

"It was the longest I've slept in a while… with anyone."

_I'm going to search for someone just like you._

* * *

Lalalala. :D Good? Bad?

**drago:** Bahaha, You're telling me! I wrote "thrust" and I puked a little in my mouth. And oooh, a murder? SUSPENSE! Haha.  
**chloedarko: **Here's another chapter to feed your addiction! :D  
**Movies7Too:** :D! I'm glad you came out of hiding. I totally just typed "out of the closet" HahahwHAOr. Ahem. Anyways. Thank you. :) Yeah, theres a lot of people that favorite this story but they don't review. :( Whatevz though, as long as they like it.  
**xvolcom11x: **Ummm... I say that the video was more to show Spencer how Ashley behaved and that even though she "hates" her deep down, she'll always love her. Remember her even. :O And the whole Spencer hurting Aiden... let me just say, You might be right... you might be wrong. ;) Can't give away the whole story!  
**lgscotty20:** Thank you! :D  
**Eaglesenior:** Ahh, don't worry. The kicking to the curb will come soon enough. :)  
**MDVL:** She's not walking away from him because I'm forcing her to stay with him. :) At least for a few more chapters. Hehe.  
**Contorce:** "Getting sexed by Aiden." HAHAHA! Okay now I'm gagging haha. And I'm glad it makes you happy. :)  
**2162008:** Don't worry, no more sex with he-who-will-not-be-mentioned.  
**missynikki:** Thank you, thank you. :)  
**Momo The Great:** I know! What is it about guys, seriously?! I hate when I'm the only girl in a group of guys and they start talking about sex. D: And thank you. :)  
**Conscious: **:D Heheh your review made my blush. Anyways. Thank you haha.  
**awe:** You're like Batman. D: Or maybe even Clark Kent. Anyways! Ugghhh. Thank you so much for catching that. It always bites me in the ass! I got points marked off my paper because of that silly mistake. :( Anyways, thank you. :)  
**jtsec9143: **New reader? :D YAY!  
**333:** Another new reader?! :D You guys make me so happy!  
**MeloniFreak:** I hope this was soon enough? :)  
**kaila5707:** Yeah, I was hoping someone would understand why I threw that in there! :D


	9. Little Bit Of You In Everything

**Disclaimer: **I own nothing SON related!  
**A/N:** I'm sorrryyy! School is already kicking my ass. Ughhh! I watched the House Bunny twice this week. Hahaha. I love it, Emma Stone is going to be my wife some day!  
**A/N for the story:** This chapter is pretty long because I wrote it over a couple of days. Hopefully I'll get out another chapter by this Sunday/Monday. Three day weekend, yay! Umm.. **I beta'd this myself, so please excuse the errors**. I just needed to get this out tonight... I think that's all I've got. Oh, and if some of this sounds familiar it's because it's from the previous chapter! ..Um... YAH! :D Please review! I love hearing my phone make that little sound when it informs me that I've got a new email... meaning new reviews! :D  
I dedicate this chapter to **Momo The Great**, thanks for letting me steal your line. :)

* * *

_"Spence, will you please slow down?" She calls out from behind me. I shake my head and untie the green ribbon wrapped around my ponytail. "Spence, please?" I continue ignoring her as I walk further into the parking lot. It's packed with cars but all the people are still in the stadium watching the football game. I walk at a fast pace in the middle of the street, cars parked on both sides of me. "Spence? I drove you here… meaning… you've got no car..." I stop dead in my tracks and turn around quickly._

_"Seriously, Ash? Seriously? What, am I just your girlfriend when you want to be gay?" She takes a few more steps towards me, making the space between us smaller. The light poles placed every ten feet seem to shine like spot lights on us, making sweat form on my brow._

_She reaches out and caresses my left arm until grabbing my hand in her own, "You know that's not true." I pull my hand away from hers quickly and take a few steps back._

_"Ha! When was it not true?" I step closer to her, "When he was grabbing your ass like this?" I press myself flush against her, placing my left hand roughing against her bottom. "Or when he was practically humping you through his jeans?" I grip her hips and collide our waists together roughly. I ignore the darker shade of brown I'm met with when I look back up at her and take a few steps back. "I'm sick of just standing around! I'm always that close. That close to you. But I'm never a fucking part of you! I just don't understand you! You take a baby step forward and several leaps back! Why can't you just let me in?"_

_"I told you I wasn't easy to be with." She mumbles._

_"You're not even putting some effort into this!" My voice has slightly raised now. I'm irritated because of how calm she's acting. "So is this how you're going to act every time I don't pay you enough attention? You're just going to cheat on me with the first person you find?!"_

_She straightens her posture, and looks me dead in the eye. "I've never cheated on you. Never. And I'm never going to." She points her index finger at me to emphasis her point. "How can you think so lowly of me?" Her voice is low._

_"Well, what am I supposed to think when someone else is practically fucking you?! That you're just 'talking'? That you're helping him grasp the concept of human anatomy? I've heard all the stories about you, Ash. And you've even said they're true, what am I supposed to expect?"_

_She raises a perfectly sculpted brow at me and purses her lips, "Well I'm sorry we can't all be perfect fucking innocent angels like you, Spence! I don't even know why I stick around with you. I can get any one of those cheerleaders!" Her voice has raised and it gets the blood in my veins pumping._

_I step closer to her, my jaw clenching, my pulse racing. "Fuck you," I practically growl at her, "I hate you."_

_She keeps her face stern as she tucks her bottom lip between her teeth. Her brow is still furrowed as she shakes her head from side to side. She crosses her arms,_

_"No. I hate you, Spencer Carlin. I hate everything about you! I fucking hate the way you look at me. I hate the way you make me feel like I'm the only other person in the room. The way you smile. The fact that I can't fall asleep without hearing your voice. The fact that I can't let you in because if I do and you finally realize how amazing you are and leave me, I'll never be able to find someone who'll compare to you. The way you actually give a shit about what happens to me. The fact that I can't explain myself because I'm worried I'm going to lose you. The fact that I listen to all your bullshit pop songs, just because they remind me of you. I hate the fact that you make all those cheesy love songs make sense. I hate the way you look in my shirts and jackets. The fact that I often find myself thinking that I want to spend the rest of my life with you." She's pressed flushed against me now. Her right hand cupping my left cheek, the other on my hip. Her warm breath grazes across my right ear every so often. "I hate the fact that I can't hate you." She whispers. She places a kiss behind my ear before moving back a little to look me straight in the eye. "He was drunk. He was throwing himself at me. Not the other way around. Did you see when I slapped him across the face? Or maybe when I kneed him in the groin? No, because you were too busy jumping to conclusions. I know what I was, Spencer. That's never going to change. But this is what I am now. I'm yours."_

_Before I can mumble out an apology, her lips are tight against mine. I tangle my hands in her dark brown curls and pull her impossibly closer. My knees begin shaking as she wraps her arms around the back of my thighs. I jump up slightly and wrap my bare legs around her bare midriff , the contact of skin on skin making me sweat. I think she's walking, but I'm not too sure. Her tongue slips between my lips and I've lost all train of thought. She's promising me that all she says is true. That her heart belongs to me. She's promising forever._

_I feel her come to a slow stop, her lips still moving at a frantic pace. She slowly leans forward, moving me back in the process. I tighten my grip, hoping not to fall. I feel her smile against my lips. My back finally comes in contact with a hard surface. The skin peeking out from under my cheer shirt is informing me that it's cold steel._

_I open my eyes and from the corner of my eye I see that I'm lying on the hood of Ashley's black Porsche. I lean back until I'm flat against the cold metal, my lips never leaving hers. She slowly crawls up towards me, her bare sides rubbing against my bare thighs. She moves her hands to either side of my shoulders. She breaks the kiss and I'm expecting to feel her lips somewhere else on me. After a few quiet moments, I crack my eyes open. She's staring so intently at me, a small smile on her face. That look in her eyes, I know exactly what she's thinking. I look around briefly, scanning for any other signs of life. I lean back and meet her gaze once more, breaking the silence,_

_"You better make it quick. My parents are still in the stands. They're bound to come looking for me." I release the death grip of my legs around her waist slightly as she reaches between us and pops open her jeans button and draws down her zipper. Her hands slowly crawl up my shaking thighs. I feel her fingers curl over the elastic waistband of my boy shorts and under it, gently pulling it down a margin. I let out a quiet moan. She places a wet kiss on the inside of my knee and begins a trail upward. She gets to the top of my thigh and --_

"Spencer?" He places his hand on my shoulder and gives me a shove. I lift my head from its resting place on the counter and look at him with lidded eyes. "I got to go my planes in an hour. Shouldn't you be getting ready for work?" My head begins swaying from side to side as I close my eyes once more and drop my head back down on the counter. My cheek slams against my phone keys and a series of loud beeps ring in my ear. I let out a groan. Damn you, Aiden. It was just getting to the good part! Believe me, I experienced it first hand, it was definitely about to get _good._

He places his lips against my left cheek and gives me a sloppy wet kiss. His warm breath against my ear sends a shiver down my spine and makes all the little hairs on my neck stand. Not in a good way. "I love you so much, baby. I can't wait until you're mine forever." My gag reflex kicks in and I'm trying so hard to knock myself unconscious. "You're the best thing that has ever happened to me. I knew that _gay _thing was just a phase." I bite my tongue to hold back my laughter. Just a phase, ha. I remember when he thought he 'cured' my gayness. I roll my eyes from behind my eyelids and sit still. Finally, he gets the clue and says goodbye. I hear him noisily drag his roller suitcase across the wood floor and lock the door behind him. My attention finally focuses on the absence of noise in my right ear. I lift up my head wearily and look at the screen. The wallpaper of Kyla and myself staring back at me. She must have ended the call while I was sleeping. I wallow in my self pity for the briefest of seconds. I finally sit up straight and stretch, hearing the bones in my back pop. I get up from my seat and head upstairs.

* * *

I'm shaking when I enter the ward. I quickly walk past the nurses station and receive questioning looks from Kristine and Sara. I brush past and continue towards my office. Once inside, I shut my door and rush over to my desk to unplug my phone. I sink into my leather office chair and prop my elbows onto the desk, burying my head in my hands.

I don't think I can put up with this for long. These dreams, these memories, they're back with a vengeance. They're making an oath to tear me apart from the inside out. They never used to be this bad. Now anytime I close my eyes or even think of her name, they come back to me like a smack to the face.

"Bad dream?" I jump slightly in my seat.

"How'd you get in here?" She reaches into her back pocket and dangles a set of keys in front of her. She walks towards me, a hand running through her damp hair. She plops herself down in one of the chairs in front of my desk.

"What's with the whole broody look?" She waves her hand in front of her, gesturing at me.

"Aiden left today." She snorts and I raise an eyebrow towards her. She shrugs her shoulders and continues to look out the window to her left.

"Anything else?" She looks me straight in the eye and I can't seem to look away. I'm now an open book. She's forcing herself into my thoughts, collecting all the juicy details. She leans back in her chair when she's through. "You've been having them again, haven't you?" I slouch defeated. She's just going to make this into a bigger deal than it really is. I could hide it from her and try to solve it myself….. No, there's no use. I let out a loud sigh,

"Yeah…. I don't get it, they were so mild before this. But now, it's just like when we broke up. The dreams are getting more intense, it's like I'm actually reliving it."

She strokes her chin as if she has a goatee, "Interrrrresting." Oh geez, aren't I the doctor here? "So can we get started with this whole family therapy session? I've got things to do, people to see, you know?" Oh shit, I totally forgot about that! "You forgot didn't you?"

"N-no! I'm just… not prepared… I'm not supposed to meet with you until 8." I shuffle through some papers on my desk and pretend to put things together.

"I know, I thought we could get started early." I stop and look around the room. I look back at her with a head tilt, even scratching my head. She shakes her head, "She's taking a little nap. So it's just us for a little while, well… at least before you have to go perv, I mean, 'supervise' her while she takes a shower."

"It's not like I haven't seen her naked." I shoot back. She cringes,

"Ew. Ok, that's my sister. And _gross_, now I've got a visual of you and her… _ugh, EW!_" She sticks her tongue out and shakes her head rapidly. To me she looks like the exorcist. I let out a tired smile and shake my head at her.

"So, what do you want to talk about?"

Her face falls and she's instantly serious. She's staring straight into my eyes. She's telling me all these things I'm not sure I'm ready to hear. The similar shade of brown sends a shiver through my body.

"How long are you going to put up with this, Spence?" I stay quiet as she scoots herself closer to my desk until her arms lay flat across it. "I've seen the way you break under her gaze. How it tears you apart inside every time she looks at you and can't remember who you are. This has got to take it's toll on you sometime."

I bite my bottom lip. She knows me too well. Her words are hitting too close to home and I feel my eyes begin to water. It's only day two and I'm already giving up on this. As a doctor, I know what the chances of her remembering are. It's damn near impossible. Especially with her background. I could tell her all about us. I could fill her in about all of our days hiding under that huge oak tree in the park. The one with the orange and yellow leaves that never seem to wither. The one she carved our initials in. I could recite every fight we've ever had word for word, or paint pictures in her mind of all the places we've visited together. I could explain to her in detail about everyday that we spent together, as if it was a story book she had written and I was just merely reading it back to her. But what good would that do?

I let out a breath and run my hands through my hair, "I honestly don't know what I'm going to do."

* * *

I'm shaking when I reach out to open the door. I open it as quietly as possible and step in. She's slouching against the back of the couch, her head resting against the edge of the sofa. Her dark brown curls surrounding her face perfectly. I take a few uneasy steps until I'm standing in front of her. I hear her soft breathing and my palms begin to sweat. Even in her mere presence, I'm a nervous wreck. I shift to my left foot and tuck my bottom lip between my teeth. I look down at my slightly shaking hands and link them together. I look back up at her peaceful face. I wonder what's she's thinking about. Her eyelids lazily lift and I'm met with soft brown. A small smile begins tugging at her lips.

I clear my throat a few times, hoping to dislodge the lump in my throat. "I-uh.. I need to supervise y-you." I say, my voice barely recognizable. "It's k-kind of routine for attempted suicide patients. Y-you could possibly drown yourself while you're taking a shower…. Or harm yourself with your shoelaces…"

She lets out a half smile that looks more like a smirk and raises an eyebrow at me, "Are you sure this isn't just a lame excuse to see me naked?" I let out a small smile and look around the room awkwardly. She hasn't changed despite all that she's been through. She gets up from her seat and walks directly in front of me. The gust of wind following her allows me to inhale her scent.

I chuckle, "It's not like I haven't seen you naked before." I mumble, more to myself.

She turns back around, "What was that?" I shake my head and follow her into the bedroom. She's a few steps in front of me when we reach the bed. I watch her back as she grips the hem of her black tank top with both of her hands and pulls it over her head, before carelessly dropping it to the floor. My breath catches in my throat as my eyes scan the glorious tan skin of her back. I look at all the freckles I once traced with my fingertips all those years ago. My hand reaches out to touch her bare skin. My fingertips barely graze against it before I pull it back quickly, realizing what I was about to do. I follow her into the bathroom and lean against the doorframe. She stands in the middle of the small square room, her hands playing at her sides. She loops her thumbs under the waistband of her boxers and slowly bends over, pulling them down her luscious legs in the process. I bite my lip roughly, attempting to swallow the small moan that was threatening to spill from my lips. She straightens her back and looks over her shoulder. I quickly advert my eyes. I had been caught checking out a patient! She lets out a smirk and climbs into the shower.

It was definitely tempting to watch her the whole time. I sat awkwardly in front of the glass shower and watched as she massaged shampoo into her hair, or run a hand down her… ugh. So torturous. Thus, I stared at my hands that were neatly folded in my lap for the most part. I did peek up occasionally, noticing the water and soap spuds trailing down her curves and stopping at her -- Ah! I've got to stop that.

She wraps the tiniest towel on the face of the earth around her lean body. I step aside and allow her to brush past me as she towel dries her hair. I lean back against the doorframe and watch as she drops the towel and pulls on her clothes. She moves over to the dresser to the left of me and applies her lotion. It like déjà vu. I've seen this routine so many times I could probably do it blind folded. I step around her and stand towards the foot of the bed. I watch as she sprays lavender body spray all over herself. She places the purple bottle back down and begins to turn around. She stops halfway and faces the dark wooden dresser. Whatever has caught her attention is hidden from my view by her tiny body. I stare at her back and watch her hesitantly lift her right hand. I step a few inches to the right and watch her from an angle. I watch her carefully examining what looks like a bracelet to me. She slips it onto her right wrist and readjusts it, tracing her new scar with her index and middle finger.

Sure enough, it's tattered yarn is a bright red. My heart stops and I feel it creep into my throat. My eyes are moist. I can't believe she still wears it. She gently turns it over as if it was the most fragile thing on this planet and my heart breaks a little more. She looks back up at me. I'm silently begging her to say something that'll ease my pain. I'm hoping that she remembers me and that she remembers all those times we held hands secretly under my dinner table with my family surrounding us. She's staring just as intently at me and it's as if she's absorbing everything I'm telling her. After a few minutes, I realize that what I'm waiting for will never come. I clear my throat and hope it doesn't fail me,

"We should go. Kyla's waiting in my office."

* * *

Honestly, I think if I placed Kyla in front of a brick wall, she would talk to it as if it were a real person. For the past twenty minutes she's been talking about everything from her birth to… well now she's on fourth grade. I zone out her voice and glance over at Ashley. Her eyes seem to be glazed over as well. Her head is slightly tilted downward as she watches the floor. Her face seems so peaceful as she sits there. I watch as her chest rises and falls from her light breathing. Her legs are crossed and her bottom foot is barely grazing against the ground. Both of her arms are placed across the overstuffed armrests. The fingers of her right hand lightly drumming against the edge. Slowly, her head lifts up to meet my eyes. I finally realize the absence of Kyla's voice. I can see from the corner of my eye that she's looking at Ashley as well. I click the top of my pen a few times out of nervousness and clear my throat.

"Do you have any questions?" I straighten in my seat as I watch her brow crease. She's biting her bottom lip as her breaths become deeper. I feel like I'm shrinking under her intense gaze. Finally, she untucks her lip and opens her mouth.

"How do you know if you love someone?" I'm kind of taken back by the question. I was expecting something more general. Something about her condition. Definitely not this. I see from the corner of my eye a flash of movement that must be Kyla. I can feel her staring at me with her mouth wide open but I don't bother to break eye contact with Ashley.

"Well… I think it's when you want to be with someone forever." There's barely a moment of hesitation before she starts again.

"_Well_… People promise forever all the time. It's like 'I love you' now-a-days. It's just said. There's no meaning behind it, no feeling, no emotion. You can't promise forever and mean it, I mean, actually _mean_ it." Her quick nature response brings me back to our high school days and what I say next comes out without hesitation.

"Well, when I say I want to be with you forever, I mean it." I watch as the muscles in her arms visibly tense. Her hands grip the edges of the armrests, her knuckles quickly turning white. Her body begins lightly shaking. Her eyes widen before shutting tightly. I watch her behavior closely, hoping to come to terms with the cause of these outbreaks.

She slowly opens her eyes. Her body practically limp. Her hands start shaking once again before her whole body is overcome with the tremors. She bounces her right leg up and down. She begins running her hand through her hair almost roughly, her fingers getting caught in tangles. Her teeth begin chattering noisily. Her eyes begin to water and she shuts them quickly, a tear escaping from under her eyelid and sliding down her face. She shakes her head from side to side as she places her right hand on her knee, pressing hard against it, it's jerking slowing slightly. I look over at Kyla who looks as if she's bored with the whole situation. She meets my eyes and I motion to her to do something about it. She shrugs her shoulders before slouching back in her chair nonchalantly. I look back at Ashley, her limbs moving rapidly. The only sound in the room is her teeth chattering and her murmurs. I lean forward in my chair, unsure of what to do. Hesitantly, I reach out and cover the hand on her knee with my own. Her movements still almost instantly. She slowly opens her eyes and looks up at me. I'm silently telling her that I'm here. That she has nothing to be afraid of. That I'm going to keep her safe. She looks down at my hand covering her own as if the action is foreign to her. Slowly, she flips her hand over and my palm is laid flat against hers. Her fingers are gripping my hand securely. A slight chill overcomes my body. I look at our linked hands and hesitate briefly before gripping her soft, warm hand with my own. She runs her thumb across my knuckles, I look back up at her in time to meet her eyes. I let out a small smile and squeeze her hand reassuringly before releasing my grip.

"M-Maybe we should take a break."

She nods her head. Kyla stands up from her seat,

"Hey, Ash. Why don't you go back to your room? I'll be there in a sec." Ashley and I both stand up at the same time. She quietly moves to the door and I follow behind her. I open it for her and she steps out. I lean against the doorframe and watch her walk down the dim hallway until she's out of sight. I step back into the room and securely close the door. Kyla's standing in the middle of the room, glaring at me. She's balanced more on her left leg as she raises her hands to rest on her hips. The face she's giving me assures me that I've got hell to pay.

"What the hell was that?!" She practically screeches.

"What? You weren't doing anything!" I counter back before walking around her and picking up my clipboard.

"Well for one thing, I didn't do anything because from _experience_ I knew there was nothing I could do. I guess I don't have the magical touch! And two, that's not what I'm talking about!" I nosily drop my clipboard onto my desk and lean the back of my thighs against the edge of it. I cross my arms and tilt my head a little.

"Then what are you talking about?"

She scrunches up her face and mocks me in a high piercing voice, "_Then what are you talking about?_ I'M _TALKING_ about that whole thing!" She waves her hands in front of her as if it'll magically finish her sentence. When I don't answer she tries again, _"Well, when I say I want to be with you forever, I mean it. _What the fuck was that about?! She started doing that thing she does every time she has a dream about you!"

She dreams about me?

"I don't know! I just said it. I didn't think about what I was saying! It just came out! Like…" I trail off and stare at the carpet.

"_You can't promise forever. You don't know what'll happen a year from now, two years from now, five years from now. How do you know that you'll even still want to be with me?" She said, her breath grazing against my lips. I pouted until my lips met hers._

"_Well, when I say I want to be with you forever, I mean it."_

My eyes widen and I look back up at Kyla quickly, "OH MY GOD."

She moves around frantically, "What? WHAT?!"

"She remembers," I say more to myself.

"What are you talking about? If she remembered you, we wouldn't be in this predicament."

I run a hand through my hair and open and close my mouth a few times. "I said that to her years ago! When we were still in high school! I was going on this date with some guy my mom set me up with and she was whining… and then I promised I'd love her forever and she doubted me! Much like today! And then I said _that_, and it was as if she remembered!" Kyla stands with her mouth wide open for a few minutes. We're both too in shock to say anything else. She takes a few steps towards me, her mouth still agape.

"So… it's like… her heart remembers you, but her mind can't…."

I slowly take in her words before looking back up at her, "I guess so."

* * *

I've been walking around aimlessly for the past two hours. I'm not sure where Kyla ran off too, but I'm enjoying the silence. I'm letting my thoughts consume me, although at the moment my mind is a very frantic place. Maybe I'll go see Ashley, see if she wants to continue our session. I walk past the nurses station and barely make it past it when a voice calls out to me,

"Don't bother." I look over at Sara, who has a small smile playing on her lips. "She's already in your office." I nod my head and awkwardly turn around and head towards my office.

I open the door without hesitation and walk in. I see her looking pensively out the window and walk over to the unoccupied chair across from her and plop down in it. I mock her pose and place my chin on my fist and stare at her. I tilt my head and smile at her frowning face. Her eyes asking me why I'm so happy.

"What makes you happy?" Her eyes widen a little bit from surprise. Once I broke down the "bad-ass" Ashley, it was fairly easy to read the sweet, loving Ashley. The Ashley that is clearly here today.

"Music." I'm pretty sure that's code for Spencer Carlin. "I love the sound of instruments blaring and then all of a sudden stopping in the middle of a song. I love just hearing my voice and then hearing the crowd join in and sing along as if they wrote my words themselves."

I smile, "That's what makes you happy?" She nods her head.

She responds quietly, "I can't imagine my life without it." I look out the window at the darkening clouds and then look back at her.

"It's actually pretty nice outside, despite the dark clouds. Want to go for a walk in the garden?" I stand up and she follows me silently.

We walk slowly around the path and I ask her simple questions, mostly about music. She tells me stories about her tours, some from her childhood. She tells me about her father singing her to sleep. I remember her telling me once that it was always, "Brown Eyed Girl." I always wanted to sing it to her. I revel in the sound of her voice. I've heard these stories over a hundred times and honestly, I don't think I could ever get sick of them. She always tells them with a different emotion each time. She must have noticed the blank look on my face because she slows down her pace.

"Well, if music is what makes you happy, we're going to work towards that. We're going to make you sturdy enough to stand on your own so you can perform in front of people once again and amaze them with your beautiful voice." I see her let out a shy smile before ducking her head slightly, she's doubting herself. "I'm going to be by your side all along the way." She lets out a nose crinkly smile and I melt a little on the inside. I slowly walk over to the bench and she trails behind me. Once she sits down, I stare at her profile from the corner of my eye. Should I tell her? No.. that'd be weird. Awkward, even. Yeah, I should just tell her. I turn to look at her before quickly deciding against it. No, it would be unprofessional. I turn back to look at her and she has her eyebrow quirked at me.

"What?" She says smiling.

I bite my bottom lip briefly, "Thanks… you know, for last night." Her face scrunches up to show her confusion.

"But-- I--uh.. I c-called you? You're the one that comforted me. I was the one who couldn't sleep…not the other way around."

I shrug my shoulders and shake my head with a smile, "I know. Even if you fell asleep an hour and a half into the conversation, I really appreciated it." She nods her head as if she's slowly comprehending this, "I-- It… was the strangest thing." I look in front of me, not daring to look her in the eye when I say this next part. "It was like hearing your breathing on the other line soothed me to sleep. Like a lullaby.. Or something." I look back up with her and instantly meet her eyes. I don't even register what I'm about to say next. "It was the longest I've slept in a while… with _anyone_." She lets out another nose crinkly smile and my heart swells.

"You know what's funny? Hearing your voice, kind of had the same effect on me…." I feel the blood in my face rush to my cheeks. She grabs the hand resting on my left leg with her own. She slowly grazes each of my fingers with her own. She tucks a stray curl behind her ear while she continues playing with my hand. "It was the best nights sleep I've had in years."

* * *

**Conscious: **Hehehe. You, sweet talker, you. As for Ashley remembering, you'll just have to wait and see! I've already got it planned out in my mind. It's going to be explosive. Well… okay, maybe I'm just talking it up. Maybe it'll really suck and I just think it's like the greatest idea ever. Hahaha.**  
Momo The Great:** I finally used your line! :D You truly are the great!**  
chloedarko:** You druggie! Hahaha.**  
333:** YAY! I'm glad you remembered that Spencer made it. I thought it was disgustingly cheesy but I'm glad I got to tie it in nicely with the story.**  
jstareader:** You Spashley fans are so violent! He's not the only one on that plane you know! …. But if he was… I would TOTALLY kill him off that way. MUAHAH!**  
Movies7Too: **OMG! I WAS TOTALLY WATCHING THE NOTEBOOK TOO! Maybe that's why this chapter is kind of cheesy haha. Ahhh.. I love that movie soo much! I used to watch it everyday before I went to sleep. I'm pretty sure I've seen it over a hundred times! And yes… I did "FOF" you… honestly… I have no idea what that means, I just see a bunch of authors say that hehehe.**  
MDVL:** Ahhhh, Ashley will remember eventually. But be patient, young grasshoppa! :D And omg, you totally write Streets of New York. I'm a serious lurker on that fic. Although I'm not quite caught up yet!**  
itswhatever: **:D Aww, my loyal reviewer. Your reviews always make me so happy! I'm glad you like the flashbacks/dreams, I hope they're not getting too annoying.**  
2162008:** It'll come eventually! I've got it written out though. Muahah. That shieetsss intenseee!**  
awe:** I totally was going to put that. But then I kind of slapped myself and was like, "Wow. That's too cheesy." So I didn't!**  
justme:** Awwww you're like a broken soul, just like me! I have to say I put too much of myself into Ashleys character. Anyways, thank you. Your review means so much to me! :)**  
addycted:** What's up with all these Spashley druggies? Hahaha. But I'm glad you really liked my story that much! **  
seyheystevierey:** Thankies!**  
MasterDanniSoN2: **I'm glad you get my train of thought! :) Sometimes I feel like this story is a mess haha.**  
xvolcom11x:** I'm glad you caught that Aiden thing! I was actually trying to decide whether to make him creepy possessive or the emo Aiden we've all learned to love. And yummy, I just had some Frosted Flakes haha.**  
kaila5707:** Yes! The bracelets from Spencer. Uhh.. I don't remember what chapter it's from though haha. It's maybe chapter 4?**  
shaws:** For some strange reason your username reminds me of Shawn Johnson, who I have the biggest crush on. Hehehe. She's so cute! I love when she smiles, she looks like a chipmunk! …Uhh… Unless you're not from the US… then this FOF just became really awkward…and it had nothing to do with your review. Hehe.**  
JustMeInLove:** I'm sorry! I'm sorry! Here it is!  
**niknakniki: **Thank you! :D

Please review! :D


	10. You Remind Me Of Home

**Disclaimer: **I own nothing SON related! Sadly. D:  
**A/N: **Schools a bitch. The end. P.S. Omgomgomg Pushing Daisies is starting up again October 1st, 3 days before my birthday! :D  
**Songs used:** Boats & Birds by Gregory and The Hawk; Gray or Blue by Jaymay (which will come into play in future chapters); Brown Eyed Girl by Van Morrison.  
**A/N for story:** I wrote the first quarter of this chapter from my phone haha. Uhh.. I feel this is overly cheesy. Whoo. But it's cute, I suppose. This is just a filler chapter. Ohhh, the plans I have for this story! Makes me so excited just thinking about it. Umm, I kind of like writing Ashleys POV now, before I loathed it. But it just seems easier than Spencers now haha. I always feel like I'm forgetting to tell you guys so much. Oh yeah, _Italicized_ + present tense equals dreams/flashbacks. _Italicized_ + past tense equals flashbacks. Uhuhuhuh... I beta'ed this myself as usual...

* * *

It's strange. With each footstep, my heart beats echo the pace. I feel it beating against my chest, sometimes I even hear it. Its hollow sound echoing throughout my head as if that's where it was stationed, rather than the torn cavity built in my chest. But it doesn't pain me. It doesn't make me wish that Kyla had found me a minute later rather than when she did. It doesn't make me wonder what this indescribable pain is, or even where it's coming from. It has all the symptoms of it though. The blistering warmth in my chest. The light chill that travels through my body. I only shake gently now. Only my palms sweat and I find myself occasionally wiping them across my jeans. But I can pinpoint the reason.

_If you'll be my star, I'll be your sky. _We travel down the gravel slope and I'm struggling to stand erect. I glance a few feet in front of me towards the left of the hill. Her long blond hair swaying slightly with the timid breeze. She bounces down the uneven stones from hell with ease. She looks over her shoulder back at me and smiles. My breath catches in my throat. My heart beats rapidly and makes its existence clearly evident. I bite my lip and smile back at her. When she turns back around I let out a quiet sigh, my breath making a small cloud appear in front of me.

She has the strangest effect on me. These past few weeks I've been taking note of all of the little things she does. _You could hide underneath me. _The way she bites her lip when she's nervous. Or the way she adverts her gaze when she lies to the older nurses, the ones that have treated me better than my own mother has. The way she plays with her hands when she doesn't want to look me in the eye. The way she tilts her head to the side and lets out that smile that makes this cold heart of mine melt. The way she makes jittery movements with her legs or arms, clearly showing her impatience. Yet, she has never shown impatience with me. I'm not easy. I can't explain my feelings very well, yet she somehow always knows the right thing to say or do to have all my inner emotions spill out.

Many of us don't realize it, but when you spend too much time with someone, you begin to adapt around them. You change your appearance, you watch what you say, you adapt to their lifestyle. _And come out at night. _I haven't once had to change my ways. It's as if for the first time in my life, someone excepts me for who I truly am. A tattered soul with a broken body and wrists that have stories to tell.

_When I turn jet black, and show off your light. _We finally make it to even ground and I wobble over to her, clutching my jacket closer to me. It's as if we are magnets. Attracting and repelling. Working against the forces that keep us apart, before eventually colliding with each other. We're side by side now. Her chin tucked into her chest and her golden hair blocking the view of her face from me. She flips her hair behind her shoulder and tilts her head to the left, smiling at me in the process. I can feel her body heat radiating against my left arm, even through my thick clothes. I sway uneasily and look down, reminding myself to keep moving my feet. Left, right, left and right. Before I know it, our sides are colliding softly. She giggles as I mumble an apology. I tell her it's because I walk diagonally, and that she should stand to the right of me. She raises her eyebrows at me and smiles as I kick myself mentally for coming up with a lame excuse. We continue walking to the parking lot, cars finally coming into view. _I live to let you shine. _I try to shift more to the right, creating some space between us. She hums a soft song to herself and it almost sounds familiar. It sends a warm shiver through my body and makes my palms begin to sweat. Soon enough, my left hand brushes against her right. It happens almost in slow motion. The feeling of her fingertips caressing my palm, tracing delicate patterns against it. Soon they slip through the gaps of my own fingers and she hooks her pinky with mine. It's a brief contact that makes the lump in my throat ten times bigger, and makes a thin sheet of sweat form on my brow. She uncurls her pinky and drops her hand to her side. I step away once more, following the white line painted on the concrete. I walk it as if it were a tight rope, one foot in front of the other. Her car is in sight now and I'm struggling to keep walking in a straight line. _I live to let you shine. _Before my left foot can venture off the edge, her right arm is flushed against my left.

It's as if we are magnets.

* * *

_But you can skyrocket away from me. _The car ride is silent, besides the soft hum of the engine and the gentle rattling of the windows. It's not awkward silence. It's comfortable silence. Silence that wraps itself around me and makes me feel as though I am home. The road that I've seemed to memorize like the back of my hand is surrounded by tall Birch trees. They've begun to shed their orange and yellow leaves, a few dropping to the windshield before sliding across it from the moderate speed. The gray asphalt obviously worn from the years is slightly uneven in places that hundreds of cars before us have traveled. I look over at her and her brow is furrowed. She's thinking. She must have noticed me staring at her from the corner of her eye because she looks over at me. Our eyes meet and I'm drowning. _And never come back, if you find another galaxy. _She's silently telling me that she has something she wants to tell me. Something that's been bothering her ever since I was dragged into the ward. She's telling me that it could be life changing. And then all of a sudden her eyes become a different shade and they're unreadable. She tears her eyes away from mine and turns her attention back to the empty road in front of us. I close my eyes and focus in on her breathing. Her slow and steady breaths rocking me to sleep. My muscles go limp and my breathing matches hers. I settle my head against the side of the car and let sleep overcome me.

_I watch from my seat on the counter as she runs around my kitchen, her 'Kiss the Cook' apron wrapping around her slim body perfectly. Her hair tied back loosely in a ponytail. She rushes back to the left side of the kitchen and bends over, peeking into the oven. She mumbles a series of profanity as she quickly whips the dish towel from it's place and opens the oven, a light blanket of smoke escapes into the air. She quickly picks up the plate and carries it over to the island located in the middle of the kitchen. She walks back over to the oven door to close it and I look at what she's pulled out. I'm not exactly sure what it is, but it's kind of round…. And black. Very, very black. I watch as she walks over to the… thing and pokes at it with a fork. She lets out a unhappy groan and whips off her apron before leaning the small of her back against the counter, facing me. I've got an amused smile of my face, which quickly fades when I see frustrated tears threatening to spill from her eyes. _

"_Please don't cry." I say softly. She lets out a watery sigh as she grips the edge of the counter to the sides of her._

"_I just wanted this to be perfect," She whispers. "It's your last night in town and I just wanted this to be so perfect. You're going to be away from home for months... And I just…." She wipes away the tears streaming down her cheeks with the palms of her hands._

"_Spence, it's okay." She lets out another watery gasp._

"_No! It's not okay! You're going to be thousands of miles away and I'm going to be here, sitting at home watching you on T.V., on the internet even. Watching thousands of girls throw themselves at you and all I can do is wish you were home." I settle deeper into granite counter and grip the edges loosely with both hands._

"_Then come with me." She sniffles and shakes her head slightly._

"_What?"_

"_Wherever you are is where my heart is. Spence, you are my home. I could care less where in the world I am. Or what road I'm traveling along, as long as you're riding shotgun, I'm home." I lift up my hand to eye level, I curl and uncurl my fingers into my palm in a come here motion. She maneuvers her way between my legs and I can feel her prominent hipbones pressing into my inner thighs. She tilts her chin into her chest slightly and I kiss the top of her forehead before tilting her head upwards. Her eyes are closed as I cup her cheeks and wipe the remaining tears with the pads of my thumbs. "Come with me, Spence." I say against her soft cheek before placing a soft kiss on it. I repeat the action to the other cheek and rub the tip of my nose against hers. I cover every inch of her face with soft, barely there kisses. She tilts her head until my lips connect with hers. She replies with a whisper,_

"_Okay."_

* * *

_Far from here, with more room to fly. _I feel her shake my left arm. My eyes lazily open and meet her intense gaze and I'm suddenly questioning whether her eyes are truly blue or gray. She informs me we're here and I unbuckle myself and tumble out of the car into the cold Ohio breeze. I gaze over the top of the car to the only other building I've been to since I've checked into the ward. When Spencer promises you something, you've got her word. Two days after we decided that I should get back into music, she surprised me by telling me that she found an old recording studio that I could use as a practice space. She said that a close friend of hers owns it and now uses some of the rooms as an art studio when she's in town. _Just leave me your stardust to remember you by._

We walk into the room and quickly take our places, her on the leather couch against the wall and myself at the piano, placed slightly against the adjacent wall. My fingers rest against the keys and press down softly. "I'm feeling so helpless now…." Immediately, the melody that has been repeating through my head finds it's way into reality. I begin writing down lyrics onto the notepad placed on top of the piano. I glance around hoping there's something that even resembles a guitar, "My guitar is not around…" I chuckle to myself. Actually, wait. I kind of like that. I write it down as well. I move around the room and mess around with several instruments before settling with the xylophone. I carry the small contraption and place it next to my notepad. I tap each of the paddles with the mallets before realizing… I don't even know how to play the xylophone. "And I'm struggling with the xylophone…" I find a note I like and tap it repeatedly. I return to the piano and repeat the notes from earlier, "To make these feelings sound…" I belt out into the room. I glance up to the couch and find it empty. My movements come to a slow stop and I scratch my head. She was just here wasn't she? As if on cue, the door opens. She's got a sly smile on her face as she enters. _If you'll be my boat, I'll be your sea._

"I've got something for you." She reveals the fairly large present to me. I'm surprised I hadn't seen it when she walked in. A smile instantly finds a home on my face. It feels like years since I've seen a guitar. It's sleek black base feeling so familiar as I rest my arm on top of it. I let my fingers graze against the wire strings. She tells me that it was just sitting in the back of her closet and that I'd put it to better use. _A depth of pure blue, just to probe curiosity._ I ask if she plays. She smiles modestly and says a little. That an old friend used to teach her and that's who she actually got the guitar from. I trace my hand all along it and my breathing begins to pick up. _Ebbing and flowing and pushed by the breeze. _I look at the side of the base my arm is resting upon. I trace the carving with the tips of my fingers. Each letter carved deep into the wood base. _S.I.D._ A shiver runs through my body and the shaking begins almost instantly. My eyes flutter shut and my teeth begin chatter. _I live to make you free._

_She pushed at my side slightly and let out at laugh before rolling onto her back. I settled onto watching one cloud crawl against the baby blue sky. _

"_Spence, I can't change my name. My names famoussss… You change your name." I maneuvered myself deeper into the blanket laid across the soft grass._

"_Spencer Isabelle Davies does not sound half as good as Ashley Marie Carlin."_

_I snorted and move my head slightly to the left. I studied her profile. Her lips were slightly agape. Her long eyelashes danced upon her eyelids. "Can't we hyphenate it?" I suggested. "Besides, you just turned 17. We've got at least another year to think about our last names before we get married." She raised herself onto her elbows._

"_You want to get married at 18?" She asked in disbelief. I sat up and crossed my legs Indian style. I reached for my guitar, it's black base fitting perfectly against me. I turned to face her and fingered a few chords. She propped herself more prominently against her elbows and tilted her head back, letting her blonde hair flow freely._

"_I want to get married to you as soon as I can." I admitted softly. She lifted her head until she met my gaze. Her azure eyes made my palms sweat as I looked down and wiped my hands against my jeans._

"_Why?" I scratched at my hair that was tied in a ponytail. She reached up and tucked my bangs behind my left ear._

"_So then I can kiss you anytime I want," I said in a southern drawl, quoting 'Sweet Home Alabama,' the movie we had seen the night before. My tone became serious. "I want to spend the rest of my life with you, Spencer Carlin. I want to put a giant rock on your finger and let everyone know that you're mine." She giggled and ran a hand through her hair. _

"_How long have you been thinking about this?" I bit my lip and cleared my throat._

"_Ever since I first saw you." I could see her let out a smile and blush. _

_"Have you written your vows?" she said sarcastically. I smiled,_

_"I've got an idea." She studied my features and let out a little smile,_

"_Well, let's hear it then." I cleared my throat and smirked, suddenly having an idea. _

_"Spencer." I grabbed her right hand between both of mine and held it with great affection. My voice dropped an octave, "You's a bad mama-jama." I looked around and pretended to see someone, "Paula, you don't have to worry about anythinggg.. I'll take good care of her," I placed my hand in front of my mouth, blocking her view of my lips. "But if you knew what this girl did in the bedroom, you'd take her to church more often!" I whispered loudly. _

_"Ash!" I chuckled slightly as she shoved me. "Seriously, please? " _

_I cleared my throat and tried again, "Spencer Isabelle Carlin, from the first time I ever laid eyes on you, I knew that I wanted to spend the rest of my life with you. Now I truly can. I want to give you everything, Spence. And even though I know I won't be able to give you the world, I'll sure as hell try. I don't need to marry you to be happy. But this just gives me a reason to tell everyone I come in contact with that the love of my life loves me enough to want to be mine as well. I want to shout my love for you from rooftops. I want to wake up to your baby blues every morning and fall asleep to your steady breathing every night. I want to be the reason you smile and never be the reason you cry. I told you before that I'm not easy to be with. But I'll tell you the worst of me but try and give you the best of me, because you don't deserve less. I'll tell you the truth, when I really don't want to. And somehow communicate some of the overwhelming, undying, overpowering, unconditional love I have for you. You've made me the happiest girl in the world, I can't wait to spend the rest of my life returning the favor." She sat up straight and looked at me with wide eyes, "I dunno… something like that, I suppose." She jerked forward suddenly and latched her lips onto mine. I could feel her warm tears trail down her cheeks, down my cheeks. She rested her forehead against mine._

"_I can't wait to spend the rest of my life with you." She said against my lips. I began to shake slightly with excitement._

"_So are we hyphenating our last names?" She shook her head, moving mine in the process._

"_No. I want everyone to know I am yours." We stayed like that for a moment before jumping at her phone ringing. She backed away and reached for it in her purse. It must have been her mother, she kept rolling her eyes throughout the whole conversation. She faced forward as I positioned myself to watch her. I fumbled with my keys, settling on my brass house key, the sharpest of them all. I took precious care of my guitars, Spencer knew this. Which is why her eyes widened as I pressed the tip of my key against the thin wood. I kept my eyes on hers as I carved a deep 'S'. She kept shaking her head as I carved an 'I'. She hung up her phone and dropped it to the ground as I began to carve the next letter. I began to trace a 'C' before she reached out and stilled my hand with her own. I looked up at her as she shook her head, "I'm yours, Davies." I quickly carved a 'D' before placing the guitar off to the side. She tackled me until I laid flat against the ground, her lips tight against mine. She maneuvered herself between my bent knees and laid herself flat against me. She laid her right cheek flat against my chest, my chin rested on the top of her head._

"_What would you like to do now, Mrs. Davies?" I could feel her chuckle rumble through my chest. She laced her left hand with my right, as I wrapped my remaining hand around the small of her back._

_When she spoke again, her voice was undeniably husky. "Let's get started on little Spashley babies."_

"Ashley? Are you okay?"

I open my watery eyes to find hers staring so intently at me. I can feel the familiar tingle in my nose and my wrists feel like they're on fire. _I live to make you free. _She asks me if she did something wrong. Before I can answer her, her eyes widen. She quickly cups my cheek and wipes my upper lip with her thumb. She pulls her hand back and rushes over to the couch, leaving me in place. I touch my index and middle finger to where my face feels on fire due to her touch. I pull it back to see red liquid all over my fingers. She comes back with a small towel and holds it to my upper lip, scooting me over to the couch. She sits on one end and motions me to lie down. She tilts my head back further into her lap as I look back up at her, her ocean eyes staring down at me with such concern. _But you can set sail to the west, if you want to. _

We sit in silence, our eyes never leaving each others. She smooths back my hair with a flat hand in one swift motion, starting from my forehead. She removes the towel from my face, but makes no motion to move. I revel in her warmth, in her smell, in her touch. "When did you start doing drugs?" She asks nonchalantly, as if the answer won't surprise her. I tell her that I can't remember and she rephrases her question, "Why did you start doing drugs?" I've heard this question so many times, I'm about to reply with the typical smart ass remark when I notice the worry in her eyes. I try and think back. _And past the horizon, till I can't even see you. _I tell her that I'm not sure. That it's probably because of my messed up childhood. I had a neglectful mother that had a new rich boyfriend every week and only liked me because of my pretty bank account. I tell her that I had a wild father that was ten times better than my mother was, when he was around three days out of the year. That those were the only days when I felt alive. When he used to sing me to sleep, the song that to this day makes me feel like I'm home and that I'm just a young child being tucked in by her father. She doesn't push the subject like normal people would. She doesn't ask what song, she just continues to look at me._ Far from here, where the beaches are wide._ I conclude that I probably started because of these dreams I keep having.

She straightens up and tilts her head. "Dreams? A-about what?" I get up from her lap and move around until my back is against the cushions. _Just leave me your wake to remember you by._

"Sometimes about my dad, singing me to sleep. But most of the time they're about an angel," I admit softly. "Her blond hair and blue eyes haunting my dreams in the most pleasurable ways." She's got a pensive look on her face. "At first I thought it was you," I watch as she retracts back a little. "But it can't be you." I shake my head and she crosses her arms. "Because your eyes are brighter than hers. Your smile is more breathtaking, your touch is warmer…. But there's definitely a resemblance. I can't quite put my finger on it though…" She nods her head and bites her lip. She tells me that I should start practicing again, that we've got to get back soon. I tell her that I'm done for the day, that I'm kind of distracted. _If you'll be my star, I'll be your sky._

She gets up silently from the couch and moves over to the piano. _You can hide underneath me and come out at night._ I ask if she plays and she says no. I move behind her and place my hands on either sides of her. I'm trying so hard not to shake. Her right cheek brushes against mine slightly every time she moves her head. I bite my lip as she asks me to teach her something. _When I turn jet black and show off your light. _I grasp her wrist gently and position her hands to where I want them to be. I move her fingers onto each key and tell her to press down. I barely move and my lips brush against the shell of her ear. I quickly move away and sit on the bench next to her.

"_Spence, will you please tell me what where we're going?" She chuckled._

"_Chill out, Ash. We're in your house." I could feel her fingers trail the blindfold until she untied it. I looked over at the grand piano and faked surprise._

"_OHMYGOD, my piano! Oh thank you, Spence! Thank you!" I jumped up and down and she hip bumped me. She moved over to the bench and cleared her throat._

"_I know I probably won't live up to your dad singing it, but it's worth a shot." She laid her fingers across the keys and began to play a familiar tune. "You are, my brown eyed girl…"_

_I live to let you shine. _She begins pulling a series of chords together quickly. Each chord sending chills down my spine. She's humming a song that I feel like I should know the words to, but my mind is blank. She sings out into the room softly, barely heard over the loud piano. But I hear her, and my heart stops.

"In the misty morning fog, our hearts a-thumpin' and you…" She leans over to my side slightly to reach a chord and then moves back, "My brown eyed girl." She slows the tempo and looks me in the eye as the last chord rings out into the room, I can't help but stare at her lips,

"_You_, my brown eyed girl."  
I begin to shake. She tells me that she learned it a while ago, to play it for her friend. She says that she thought it was fitting. I tell her that it's the song my father used to sing all the time. She doesn't say anything, she just nods her head. I'm in awe when she speaks again.

"I can see why. It's like the song was written for you."

_I live to let you shine._

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Hi there. :D

**u.luv.me: **:O You said hella! Hahaha. I thought that was just a California thing... unless you are from California. Then WADDUPPP! Cali, for the win. :) Hehehe. And yes, Aiden. Stupid boy. I wanted him to sound like a douche. Idk, what I'm going to do with him, I'll either have everyone hate him, or have everyone love him.  
**jstareader:** SO VIOLENT! ... But so funny too hehehe. No, no, he is not dying in this fic... Or maybe... :)  
**niknakniki:** Thank you. :D Your username is a tongue twister haha.  
**addy.ction:** Hehehe. Here's another dose! :D Ohhh, your username. So clever! Hahaha.  
**333:** I hope this didn't give you a cheesy-ness overdose haha.  
**MDVL: **Whoo, I'm glad I'm capturing Kyla pretty well... I don't really pay attention to her character in the show. :X Hehehe. Okay, okay. Not really.  
**kaila5707: **I'm glad you liked that line haha. My friend made me write it in.  
**Usagi-Neko:** Don't worry! She'll remember... soon... _possibly_.  
**fojoa**: ... Weren't you Farah A? Or am I just going crazy? Hahaha. Anyways, I read your review during class and I laughed hahaha. It definitely DID make our internet bond stronger haha.  
**MasterDanniSoN2:** Here's another chapter for you! :D  
**awe:** I know what you mean. But I think slowly developing a story makes it that much more exciting, ya know? I used to just wait maybe 2 chapters before introducing the whole plot/scheme, but this way, it's a longer story! :D  
**TROPPER12:** Hehe I'm glad you liked that line. You can thank **Momo The Great **for that one. She was kind enough to let me use it! I don't think I could of put it any better.  
**Movies7Too:** I seriously tried looking up what FOF means... and I still have no clue. Wtf. Someone should write a book on Fanfiction terms. LOL at Aiden not having a parachute. I'm not going to kill him off! ...Yet. ;)  
**xvolcom11x:** I'm glad you like both POV's. At first I thought it'd be confusing, but I've been getting pretty good feedback from you guys!  
**chloedarko:** Eff high class, that was high school! It's all about raging hormones. Hahaha.  
**JustMeInLove:** I definitely am a tease. :) But this is rated T! Pg-13 even. I don't even know if I could write more than that... That would definitely be an interesting experience haha. And yes, Spashley love is the best love.  
**Conscious: **Hehehe that last sentence made me laugh. You're actually the reason I started cranking out this chapter! Thanks for giving me that extra push. :D

Hello to everyone whose favoriting my story! There's a lot of you! :D Please review, they make me soooo happy. :D


	11. Hold My Hand

**Disclaimer:** I own nothing SON related! If I did... this definitely would not be its last season. :(  
**A/N:** Sorry, sorry. I should of gotten this out a long time ago... but something got in the way. A little something called _life_.  
**IMPORTANT NOTICE:** I failed to mention it last chapter but if you guys hadn't picked up on it, last chapter and this chapter are taking place a few weeks since the earlier chapters. I was originally planning on taking the story day by day, but it would of taken too long to get to the juicy stuff!  
**A/N for story:** I should of gotten this out last night but when I went to upload it, my internet kicked out. But here it is now! :) I read the last chapter yesterday... and I puked in my mouth. That was so cheesy, it was almost vile. I'm surprise I haven't lost any of you guys.

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I wonder if she hears it too. The loud thumping that invades all of my senses and makes my hand shake as I run it through my hair. The best way I can describe the feeling is like after you've ran a marathon. You're sweating, your muscles are aching, you're gasping for air, your knees begin to buckle until you eventually fall to the floor in a heap. You lie on your stomach and place an ear to the ground and block out everything but the loud beating. That's exactly what I'm feeling right now. My body warm from the unexplainable source of heat that embedded itself into my chest with the mere mention of her name. I'm trying not to seem anxious and remain still, but it just turns into shaking. I keep staring down the hall to her room. It's too early to leave, but I'm excited to give her the present I have stored in the trunk of my car.

I lean tight against the nurses station, my right arm resting on top of the counter. I trace the wall in front of me with my eyes until they land on the clock. The second hand seeming to slow as if it were taunting me. Telling me that it is in fact the master of my fate. With each tick, my pulse quickens from under my skin. My bottom lip finds refuge between rows of teeth. Tick, tick, tick.

_My attention had already drifted from my photography teacher explaining all the parts of the camera. His monotone voice made my lack of sleep clearly evident. I stifled a yawn and slouched back in my chair. I watched the clock towards the top of the white board, hoping to speed this period up. I watched as the second hand taunted me. It's ticking slowed visibly. I drowned out the sound of the teachers voice and became lost in my thoughts. Tick, tick, tick. Before I knew what was happening, my forearm was gripped tightly and I was pulled from my seat. The other person walked quickly in front of me, dodging chairs and backpacks sprawled out on the floor. She didn't need to turn around. I could tell it was her from the way she swung her hips as she walked, placing one foot in front of the other. And the way that her hair was tied into a ponytail, her red bangs clipped back. But the fact that assured me it was her was the way my arm tingled as her bare hand grasped it. My eyes traveled down the thin white tank top she had on, the bottom already inched up around her stomach. I traced the tattoo on the small of her back with my eyes before reaching out to touch it. I quickly snapped my hand back as we rounded a corner into the other room._

"_Ash, what are you doing here?" I whispered loudly. Her grip on my forearm loosened slightly as I continued to trail behind her. We entered the darkroom and I lost sight of her gorgeous brown hair. I studied the silhouette of her back in the dim orange lighting. She finally let go of me and turned around. Before she could speak, she looked to her right. There were people developing their photos standing awkwardly beside us. With one snap of her head towards the direction of the exit, they were gone. She turned back to look at me, her eyes giving her intentions away clearly. I crossed my arms in front of my chest and leaned back against the cutting table. "You're not suppose to be here, remember? You 'graduated' already." I said bluntly. _

"_Look, Spence. I don't know how many times I'll have to apologize for something I'm not sure I even did, but I'll do it. You can't just cut me out of your life like this! You can't just give me the cold shoulder for no apparent reason. You won't answer my calls or my texts." She scoffed. "I threw rocks at your window for an hour straight the other night. Do you know how betrayed I felt when I knocked on your front door and your father told me you were out with another girl?"_

"_We're not dating." I tucked my bottom lip between my teeth._

"_I know that, Spence. Because you said you needed time and that you just wanted to be my friend for now. Don't you understand? I can't just be your friend. I'll always be wanting something more." She untucked my arms and grasped my left hand between both of hers. The fingers on her bottom hand traced soft patterns against my palm. The other hand traced the base of my ring finger. She looked down at our joined hands. "I haven't been getting much sleep." She started again, her voice clearly worn. Her index and thumb continued to trace around the base of my ring finger. "Some nights I lie awake hoping you'll call. Hoping that you'll call and tell me that you're finally ready to be with me again. That this time it's forever. Other nights I'm hoping you'll call just so I can hear the sound of your voice. So I can pretend that you're lying next to me, talking into my ear." I was so wrapped up in the sound of her raspy voice that I had not notice the limited amount of space between us now. I could feel her jean covered knees brush against my bare ones, every time she moved. "Who is she, Spence?" She tucked my hair behind my right ear, her fingertips burned a trail against my cheek. I swallowed the lump in my throat and tried to speak,_

"_It's not important. We're not dating." I said slowly. She whipped her hands away from mine and backed away. She let out a grunt and began to walk away._

"_Damn it, Spence. I get it! We're not dating, we're just--" I grabbed her by the wrist and pulled her towards me, her momentum spinning her around until she collided into me. I placed my hands on her bare sides peeking out from under her shirt, watching as she visibly shook from the contact._

"_I meant me and that girl. We're not dating." She rested her hands against my forearms. My head tilted downwards. "I only went out with her once, and the whole time I thought about you. I kept comparing her to you. The way she talked, the way she looked me in the eye, the way she smiled. In the end, I thought it was just me. That I just wasn't attracted to her. But the truth is… it's because she wasn't you." She gripped my chin loosely, tilting my head to look at her. Even in the dim lighting, her warm brown eyes shone brightly. "I wanna be with you, Ash. I do. I'm just so… scared that you might hurt me again." Her eyes stared into mine so intensely. She shook her head,_

"_No, Spence. This time… this is forever." _

"Spencer?"

I shake my head to clear my thoughts and look over the counter, down at Sara sitting in her chair.

"Huh, what?"

"Nurse Lewis just called. She says that Ms. Davies is on her way." I nod enthusiastically, my palms already sweating. The fingers on my right hand begin tapping on the counter top in a fast, rhythmic manner. I run my left hand through my hair a few more times. I can't seem to still any part of my body and Sara seems to notice. She slowly rises from her chair and leans over, covering my jittery hand with her own. I look down at our joined hands, my pale fingers stilling slightly, her hand adorn with wrinkles and freckles. Her light brown curls seeming so similar to _hers._ Her soft brown eyes are covered in granny glasses. She takes them off and leans a little bit closer to me, making sure to keep her eyes on mine the whole time.

"You know her, don't you?" The lump in my throat gets ten times bigger.

"Wh-wha-what?" I say rather flustered. There was no way I could of given that away. "Of c-course I know her. She's Ashley Davies. Everyone knows her! I-I'm not sure what you're talking about." She shakes her head and lets go of my hand. I watch with my mouth wide open as she stands from her chair and walks around the doorway to the left until she's right in front of me.

"You know exactly what I'm talking about." I open my mouth to speak but quickly close it when she points a finger at me. "I've seen the way you look at her. The way you smile when someone mentions her name. The 'I heart A.M.D.' all over your notepads."

"Aiden's middle name is Matthew." I quickly add with a shrug.

She raises an eyebrow at me, "Aiden's middle name is _Nicholas._ Even _I_ knew that. Besides, I'm at the computer all day! I did a little research to support my hunch and it turns out that Ashley Davies is in fact Ashley _Marie_ Davies." I don't say anything but look at her. The tone in her voice worries me. If one word of this gets to Dr. Lynn, I'm gone. She looks at me with wide eyes and she's telling me not to worry, that she would never jeopardize our strong bond over something as silly as breaking a few rules. "You know her, don't you?" I lick my lips and after a moment of hesitation, I nod my head.

"Yeah… I do."

"She's the one that got away?" I look at her with wide eyes, asking her how she knows. She lets out a little smile, "When you first started working here, you said that you moved away from Ohio to L.A., but moved back. You said it was for college, but it wasn't. Was it?" I shake my head. "That one Valentines party, when you and Aiden got into a fight… I followed you outside to see if you were okay. When I opened the door I overheard him saying something about how she was gone and that you made your choice." I bite my lip harder, hoping to swallow the sob rising in my throat.

"How long have you known?"

She lets out a smile. One of those motherly smiles that they give you when you've done something wrong but they decide to look past it.

"Ever since you laid eyes on her." She lets out a broader smile that makes the worry lines on her forehead more prominent, "You don't look at her the way _you_ look at Aiden. You look at _her _the way Aiden looks at _you_." I'm struggling to ask her if anyone else knows. Or if she might tell Dr. Lynn. She shakes her head, "Only Kristine knows. It's maternal instinct. And don't worry, our lips are sealed." I give her a grateful smile. The worried mother looks returns to her face, "How have you been putting up with this? It must be hard on you."

"It is. But it's been getting better. I've been dropping her hints from our past and it seems as though she's slowly piecing it together." I say solemnly.

"Why don't you just tell her? It'd make things a lot easier." I straighten my back and shrug my shoulders.

"Because I think our love was…_is… _more than that. It's epic. It's life changing. Sure, I could sit her down and tell her about every moment we spent together in vivid detail. But our love is greater than that. And if our love is truly as great as I make it seem, she'll find her way back to me. In her own time."

She winks at me before looking down the hall, "Well, it looks as if the love of your life is coming this way." With another wink and smirk, she returns to her desk behind the nurses station. I watch as she makes her way towards me. Her dark gray jacket wrapped tightly around her. Her tight jeans clinging to her legs in the most delectable ways. It's strange seeing her without an ounce of skin showing.

"You're so beautiful." I breathe out when she's arms length in front of me.

"What was that?"

"N-nothing. Are you ready to go?"

* * *

I bite my tongue and try not to laugh as I watch her hobble down the gravel slope. Occasionally, she'll lose her footing and curse quietly to herself. I walk up and down this hill everyday, this is a breeze for me. I look back over my right shoulder and watch as she mumbles to herself. She says something about stones from hell and sweaty palms. I smile and I notice that her face has a slight flush. She looks up at me and looks as though she's a small child that had just been caught with their hand in the cookie jar. She bites her lip and smiles back at me. I've noticed that she still has all of her old habits. She'll bite her lip when she's nervous. Or bounce her leg up and down when she's anxious. It assures me that seven years hasn't changed her all that much.

We finally make it to even ground and I can hear her let out a sigh of relief. I'm trying so hard not to just reach over and take her hand in my own, just out of habit. Before I let my urge overtake me, I watch from the corner of my eye as she moves closer to me. I tuck my chin into my chest, hoping to hide the goofy smile and blush spread across my face. When I feel the back of her hand brush against mine, I flip my hair behind my shoulder and look her in the eyes. My eyes catch hers and it's as if I'm back in high school. Back to when we used to hide our love and had to survive the whole day with secretive touches and stolen kisses. She backs away slightly and watches the steps she takes. I look back up at all the cars and finally see mine in the distance. I slow my pace and she seems to do the same almost instantly. Her left arm collides softly with mine and I giggle.

"Sorry," she mumbles incoherently, "I walk diagonally… perhaps you should walk to the right of me.….or something." I snap my head towards her and quirk an eyebrow at her.

_I climbed out of her car and pulled my backpack over my shoulder. She had been acting different ever since I told her that I had feelings for her as well. I watched as she walked around her car, her head tilted downwards; watching her feet. She lifted her head upwards slightly and let out a shy smile._

_I giggled as she walked around me until she was to my right. Slowly, we made our way out of the parking lot and into the school quad. At first, she'd walk arms length away from me. But with each step, she'd make her way closer until her side eventually collided with mine. This happened at least three times before she said something._

"_Sorry, I walk diagonally… perhaps you should walk to the right of me." She mumbled quickly, her head still tilted towards the ground._

_I snorted, "Ash. If you want to hold my hand, just hold it. Don't make up some lame excuse, because I happen to know for a fact you walk perfectly fine." She tilted her head to the right to look at me, a small smile tugging at her lips. Slowly, her left hand ran down my right arm until her fingers slid across my palm and laced with my own._

She shifts more to the right and I start humming the song I've been practicing all night. I haven't sang it since that last time I sang it to her. Her left hand brushes against my right and I can feel my cheeks burn. I'm not sure what comes over me, but before I can stop the impulse, I lace my fingers with her own. When I realize that we're still at the ward, I quickly let go. I unlace my fingers and link our pinkies together. When I notice that she's shaking I uncurl my pinky and drop my hand to my side. I watch as she moves away once more and I'm instantly missing her close presence. She walks on top of the white line painted onto the concrete, much like a small child would on top of a curb. She keeps losing her balance as if she really is walking on top of a curb. Before I can register what's happening, my right arm is pressed flushed against her left. I watch as she lets out a nose crinkly smile.

* * *

She doesn't know it, but she used to record here. Kyla bought the studio for her when she went into seclusion and has kept an eye after it since then. She stopped letting other artists use it. Eventually, she just gave the key to Chelsea so she could use it as an art space whenever she was in town. I called up Chelsea a few weeks ago to see if I could use it. She gave me the okay almost instantly.

We didn't talk much on our way here. There was a moment where I deeply contemplated telling her everything. I tried telling her nonverbally, but I think it just creeped her out. I snuck out while she was playing the piano and now I'm making my way back. The wood against my skin feeling eerily familiar. I open the door and am instantly met with her eyes. Oh, she has _no_ idea what I've got in store for her.

"I've got something for you." I say as I hand it to her. I watch as she revels in the touch, her hands skimming all over it. "It was just sitting in my closet, you'd probably put it to better use." She remains silent as she takes it all in. She finally looks up at me.

"Do you play?"

I smile more to myself, suddenly remember all those impromptu guitar lessons from her all those years ago. I remember sitting between her legs as she gently placed her fingers over mine, positioning them over the wires into chords that to this day I know like the back of my hand. "A little… an old friend used to teach me. She's actually who I got that guitar from." I say slowly, hoping to spark her memory. I watch as she tries to memorize each piece of it. Suddenly, she starts shaking. Her fingertips grazing over the carving that her own hand did. Her eyes flutter close and I suddenly regret giving her the guitar. This is different from all those times she has these breakdowns. This ones stronger. The shaking seems although it rips through her painfully. Her teeth grind loudly against each other.

"Ashley, are you okay?" I rush out quickly. Her eyes lazily open and I want so badly to cup her cheeks and wipe her tears away with my thumbs. "Di-did I do something wrong?" She starts to shake her head as she sniffles. Before words actually fall from her lips my eyes widen. Her nose is bleeding. I push aside my indifference and quickly cup her cheek, wiping at the blood with my thumb. I pull back and rush over to the couch, finding a rag and running back over to her. I gently guide her over to the couch and motion for her to lie down. The instant her head touches my lap, I begin to lightly shake. I bite my lip and try to still every part of my body. I tilt her head back and look deeply into her brown eyes. _What am I going to do with you?_

We sit in comfortable silence for what seems like only minutes. My eyes have never left hers. I smooth back her hair with my hand a few times before checking on her bloody nose. I lift up the towel, it seems that she has stopped bleeding. "When did you start doing drugs?" I ask, I already know the answer, it won't surprise me.

"I can't remember." She whispers, the back of her head moving deeper into my jean clad thigh.

"_Why_ did you start doing drugs?" This is the question I never had the guts to ask before. I can tell from the slight snarl on her face that she's about to reply with a smart ass remark. Almost instantly, her face softens. Her brow furrows and I can tell she's actually putting some thought into this.

"I'm not sure… It's probably because of my messed up childhood. I had a neglectful mother that had a new rich boyfriend every week and only liked me because of my pretty bank account. My father was wild, but was ten times better than my mother ever was. Even though he was around three days out of the year. But those were the only days I felt alive. When he used to sing me to sleep, the song that to this day makes me feel like I'm home and that I'm just a young child being tucked in by her father."

I don't push the subject. I don't ask her what song it was. Because I already know. Because she has already told me this story a dozen times before.

"Perhaps… it's because of these dreams I keep having."

"Dreams? A-about what?" I remember Kyla saying something about dreams about me… but I never got around to asking her. She rises from my lap and maneuvers herself until her back is against the cushions.

"Sometimes about my dad, singing me to sleep. But most of the time they're about an angel," She says softly. "Her blond hair and blue eyes haunting my dreams in the most pleasurable ways." I bite my lip and raise an eyebrow at her. "At first I thought it was you…" I retract back a little, taken back from her comment. "But it can't be you." She shakes her head and I cross my arms. I'm going to have to have a little talk with Kyla. That could possibly include crude words and keeping my pimp hand strong. "Because your eyes are brighter than hers. Your smile is more breathtaking, your touch is warmer…. But there's definitely a resemblance. I can't quite put my finger on it though…" Oh, _swoon._ Maybe I won't have to backhand Kyla after all. I nod my head and bite my lip, hoping to hide the wide smile threatening to make itself noticed.

"Maybe you should start practicing again. We've got to get back soon." She nods her head but doesn't move from her spot.

"I think I'm done for the day. I'm kind of distracted."

I stare at her for another second before getting up from my seat. Now would be a more perfect time than ever. I move over to the piano and sit on the bench. I place my hands on the keys and let my fingers skim all over them. I hear her let out an amused laugh,

"Do you play?"

I smile. She'll never see this coming. "No." She gets up from her seat and moves behind me, placing her hands on either side of me. Her warm breath in my ear making me sweat. I move my head just a fraction of an inch and my right cheek brushes against hers. "Teach me something." I say, my voice undeniably husky. She grasps my wrists and positions it where she wants it to. I place my palm against the back of her hand and slip my fingers through the gaps of her own, moving each of her fingers onto a key.

"Press down." She says into my ear and my fingers begin to shake as I press the keys down. She moves her head towards mine and I can feel her lips against the shell of my ear. I take in a quick breath and she moves away to sit next to me on the bench. I watch her, my face obviously flushed. She refuses to look at me as I take in a deep breath. I hope all those hours of practicing yesterday is going to pay off.

I begin to play the first few chords, instantly forgetting some of the words and deciding to hum them instead. Finally, I remember the words.

"In the misty morning fog, our hearts a-thumpin' and you…" I reach over to her side of the piano to reach a chord. "My brown eyed girl." I slow the tempo and look her directly in the eye as I sing the last line. "_You_, my brown eyed girl." I decide to stare at my hands in my lap before actually looking up at her. She's got a small smile on her face, but doesn't say anything. "I learned it a while ago… I stayed up all night learning how to play it so I could play it for a friend. I thought it was fitting." I ramble.

"That's the song my dad used to sing to me." She says softly. I nod my head.

"I can see why. It's like the song was written for you."

She lets out a nose crinkly smile and snorts, "That was the cheesiest line I've ever heard, Spence."

I let out a laugh and add a head tilt for good measure, "I know, I couldn't come up with anything better."

"But it was sweet." She says. I play with my hands in my lap before settling on resting them against the keys. She envelops my right hand with her own. "Thank you."

"For what?" I finally look back up at her.

"For just… being here."

* * *

Please review! :D

**fojoa: **Hehehe thank you. And yes, try getting stuck behind a crowd of old people at Disneyland. It was NOT the happiest place on earth that day.  
**SD8105:** It will come in due time. :)  
**xvolcom11x: **You just may be right! :D  
**Conscious: **I actually really like long reviews! It connects me and the readers. So, I deeply appreciated your review! :D You totally are my favorite reviewer now hahaha. And of course I'll adopt you! We can have our own little Brangelina brood!  
**crickett13:** Thank you. :D  
**u.luv.me:** CALI REPRESENT! Hahaha. Umumumm.. as for Aiden. Idk, we'll see. :)  
**niknakniki:** It'll get better!  
**irondragonsll:** Ek, I had to write it! ... Okay well I didn't, but we needed some drama here and there. :)  
**EagleSenior:** Sorry I took so long!  
**MeloniFreak: **Thank you! I hope you liked this chapter!  
**addy.ction: **Yeahyeahyeah, everyone wants me! ;) Hahaha just kidding. Omgomgomg Gregory and the Hawk are my all time favvvvorite! And exactly! I won't let ANYONE touch my guitars... so Ashley actually damaging it is a big thing!  
**chloedarko:** Don't worry... she'll remember in time! :D  
**333:** :D I'm sorry I took so long to get this chapter out. I hope you liked it as well!  
**Alicia:** I would never stop alternating POVs! But sometimes it's difficult... but I'm glad people enjoy it!  
**n0rmalsov3r8d: **It was EXTREMELY fluffy. When I read it again I was banging my head against my desk saying, "I can't believe I wrote that." Hehehe. But I'm glad you thought it was cute! I on the other hand puked a little.  
**EmmaJones:** Awesome!  
**Elli452: **:D! I actually really appreciate your review. Thank you. I'm glad my story makes sense! Sometimes I'm worried that you guys won't pick up my train of thought, but I guess you guys are! :D  
**ElloEllo9:** I really liked your review too. Hahaha. When I started writing this I never thought people would actually like it, but reviews like yours make me feel so good! :D I just want to jump through my screen to all of yours and give you all a big hug! :D  
**JustMeInLove: **You just may be right! ;) And I'm glad you think I'm getting better. Personally, I think I'm getting really cheesy... but I'm trying to stay away from that haha.

I apologize once more. I hope I haven't lost any of you guys! :D


	12. You're Not Mine

**Disclaimer: **I own nothing South of Nowhere related. If I did the show would have had more than three seasons and that webisode that was supposed to "satisfy our Spashley needs" wouldn't have had Aiden in it and would have been R rated. ;) Hehehe.**  
WARNING: **If the word "breast" makes you uncomfortable, drop this fic and RUN!**  
Song used: **She's the NYC Skyline by The Damnwells. Loveeeee it!  
**A/N:** I know. I'm sorry, I'm sorry. I'm a jerk! I hope you guys didn't think I was abandoning you guys. I love this story too much to just stop! As I said in the last chapter, life has gotten in the way. I'd love to tell you all about my journey these last few months, but it'll just turn into a pity party. But if you really are interested you can always PM me. I'd love to hear from you!  
**A/N for story:** This chapter has been sitting in my documents for a whileeee. I'm pretty content with it, the ending could be better but other than that I like it. I'm not sure when I'll be able to update again.. but never fear! I love and cherish this fic too much to abandon it. And I know it's been awhile so just in case you forgot, Italicized and present tense = dreams/flashbacks while italicized and past tense = just a flashback. And if you get to the bottom and some parts sound familiar, I'll fill you in at the bottom. ;) Now enjoy! **I'd just like to thank you all for getting me to 200 reviews! That's so amazing!!! **I love and cherish each and every one of them. :D

* * *

She says I'm getting better. That I've improved so much over the two months I've been here. That everyday I amaze her. And honestly, it scares me a little bit. Getting better means not needing help. Meaning having to move back to New York. Meaning being thousands of miles away from her. And I don't think I can handle that. I need to come up with a plan.

_She's never stared too long at distant lights. _I watch the young nurse move around my room from my spot on the worn couch, her movements making me jittery. She must have noticed my shaking because she walks over to me with pills in her hand. She holds them in front of me, her palm facing the ceiling. Her eyes meet mine and I have a tiny epiphany. I slap the back of her hand, the pills shooting up into the air and landing somewhere across the room. _She always kept the ones here close and bright. _Her wide eyes suddenly make me regret my actions and I bite my tongue; swallowing the apology threatening to fall from my lips. She stutters something about how I'm usually so calm before heading quickly towards the door. _She met me in the darkness. _I tuck my bottom lip between my teeth and sink deeper into the couch, resting the back of my head against the top of the cushions. _Reached out for my hand and said goodnight._

_Her golden hair is spread out all across the white pillow case. She's lying on her stomach, the only fact that assures me she's still alive is the soft rise and fall of her back. Her right cheek is pressed deeply into the pillow while the cheek visible to me is covered in a slight flush. The smooth skin of her bare back peeks out from under the thin white sheet covering only the lower half of her body. I press my left cheek deeper into the pillow I'm sharing with my angel, moving in until the tips of our noses touch. Her perfect lips are slightly agape and I can feel her soft breaths against my lips. I try to swallow the lump in my throat that has formed from the sight of godly perfection and beauty. _

_My right hand reaches out to touch her, as if on instinct; as if it was the most natural thing to do. I place my palm flat against her shoulder, following the curve until my fingertips trail the base of her neck. I slowly move to cover each inch of her velvet skin with my touch. When she doesn't stir, I decide to tease her. I repeat my actions, my hand trailing back up her back only to slide lazily back down. But instead of stopping right where the sheet meets the middle of her back, my hand slips under; stopping to trace the dimples on the small of her back with my fingertips. I slip my hand around until it's lying flat against her right side, the side farthest from me. I trace her curves upwards, barely skimming over the arch of her breast. I watch her perfect features tense visibly, before relaxing._

_Her eyes flutter open and I'm met with the darkest shade of cobalt. We remain silent, staring deeply into each others eyes. I trace every inch of her face with my eyes, hoping to commit to memory every freckle, every indent, every inch of skin. She must have noticed my rapidly moving eyes because she lets out a small smile and I swear to God I feel my insides melt a little bit more._

_I ache to tell her that she's all I think about. That I couldn't last a day without her. That she is everything I'll ever need. Her eyes tell me that she understands._

"_I care about you, Ash." She says. The tone of her voice sends a jolt through me._

"_I know." _

_She starts again in barely a whisper, "I know that you said you don't need to be taken care of, but that's all I want to do when I'm around you. When I look at you, I see everything I'll ever want. A friend, a girlfriend, a wife. How could I not want to protect you?"_

_She reaches out to tuck a stray curl behind my ear._

"_Do you love me?" She's barely an inch away from me now. Her eyes dark and beckoning in that shade of blue I know so well._

"_With every ounce of my being. I love you." She whispers against my lips._

_She's constant like the ringing in my ears. _I hear the door slam shut and I jerk up in my place. Her brow is furrowed and her lips are pursed into a thin line. She stands a few feet away from me, her arms crossed and her posture strict. She asks me about my outburst. Whatever I reply with doesn't seem to sit well with her because her jaw goes rigid. She opens her mouth to speak again when her beeper goes off. She tells me to thank my lucky stars that one of the other patients just coded. I'm not sure what 'coded' means, but her tone frightens me and once she leaves I'm going to drop to my knees and thank every fucking star I know. _She's drowning out the silence of my fears._

She walks over to the counter and picks up the phone, dialing numbers quickly. Her voice is low, I can barely pick up anything. She turns back around to face me and I quickly pretend to find something incredibly interesting on the couch cushion beneath me. She stalks towards me, stopping only inches from me.

"This conversation is not over." The venom in her voice makes me regret ever acting out. I feel her place her hand under my chin and lift my head to meet her gaze. She keeps her hand on me as we stare at each other. _I've looked for her reflection in all the pretty girls throughout the years. _Her once icy eyes have melted into a warm sea. Silently, she's asking me what's going on inside my head. If my outburst was out of impulse or premeditated. She seems to know the answer but wants to hear it from me. I open my mouth to confess everything.

"I --"

The door creaks open and shuts just as quietly. Her body tenses and she drops her hand from my chin as if I were on fire. We stare at each other for another brief moment before turning to see who it is. _She's staring at the shadows, dancing on the wall. _Her body visibly relaxes when she sees who it is. The older nurse makes her way over, Spencer meets her halfway. Their voices are soft and they're too far away for me to hear anything they're saying. Spencers back is facing me but I can tell she's speaking quickly by the way she motions with her hands. Sara places a hand on her shoulder and winks at her. The younger of the two women turns around to look at me once more. She points a finger at me, as if nonverbally telling me to behave myself. She then rushes to the door.

_She's the New York City skyline. _Sara plops herself onto the other couch across from mine. Once her soft brown eyes meet mine, I know I'm in for something.

She lets out a motherly smile and my stomach drops. I can feel the bile rising in my throat and the tears forming under my eyelids.

Oh yeah, I'm definitely in for something.

_Bound to catch the heavens if they fall._

* * *

_She's the memory of something you can feel. _She tells me that I don't have to hide anything from her. That anything I tell her isn't going to report back to anyone. I know that she meant Spencer by the way she winked at me. She tells me that she's not going to judge me, that she's just here to listen. _She's hidden in the world that she conceals._

And I believe her.

"Why?" She asks. She doesn't seem to feel the need to elaborate. She doesn't push me even when the silence stretches on for minutes. _She strengthened every weakness._

"I'm afraid to lose her." My voice betrays me as it cracks a little bit. _Beating in a heart you cannot steal._

She has a sly smile on her face and is shaking her head side to side. She mumbles something about me not having to worry about that. She shifts on the seat and crosses her ankles.

"Why do you think you're going to lose her? She cares about you, you know."

_She never shows the color of her eyes. _I don't meet her eyes when I explain what I thought was too difficult to put into words. I tell her that once I'm better, she'll have no reason to be around me anymore. That I know she cares about me, but she cares about all of her patients; what's so special about me? I keep my eyes on the carpet as I glance up at the older woman through my lashes. _She's far away but closer than the sky. _Her brow is furrowed and the laugh lines around her eyes and lips deepen with concern. Her eyes are fixed on me and I shudder, feeling as though I'm shrinking under her intense and caring gaze.

"I want to be good enough for her…" I start again, my voice failing me the moment my words fall carelessly into the air. _I'm waiting in her footsteps. _I run a frustrated hand through my hair roughly, trying to voice what's been locked up inside of me. "I just… need to be around her. When I'm not near her, I'm _thinking_ about being with her." I scoff at myself, hoping to disguise my worry with aggravation. I've already said too much. This was breaking all the rules that Spencer seemed so determined to follow. _If she is not the truth._

"Why do you feel like you have to change yourself? What's wrong with _this_ Ashley?" _I'll take the lie. _She reaches across the coffee table between us and covers my right hand that's resting on my knee. I look at our joined hands and then look back up at her. She's got a reassuring smile on her face and I feel her squeeze my hand softly.

_I heard the final bell ring and watched from a distance as the rest of the student body ran into their designated classroom. I walked a few feet behind them, my footsteps quick and soundless. I watched as he swung their joined hands to and fro as they walked through the deserted hallway. I glared at his hand, too large and suffocating to hold something as delicate as her. I heard her let out a strange noise. It sounded like a laugh, but not the ones she lets out when she's around me. They stopped in the middle of the hall. I didn't bother to conceal myself as he turned to his right to face her. He quickly grasped her head between his hands -- too large to hold anything -- and captured her lips with his. I watched as he pulled her bottom lip roughly with his white teeth. I bit my tongue and clenched my fists. I watched as she stood as still as stone. He broke the kiss and stared at her with a smug smile on his face. He then turned on his heel and walked down the hall; my eyes burning deep holes into his back the whole time. I glanced back at her to see her watching his retreating figure as well. She let out a sigh, loud enough to hear from even where I stood. She ran a frustrated hand through her hair and turned towards the door. As she reached for the doorknob, she snapped her head in my direction; as if I shouted her name. _

_She walked to where I was standing, a few feet away from the classroom windows. Her long hair swayed slightly as she looked everywhere but me. _

"_I thought you were going to tell him about us." My voice had more venom than I planned._

"_I… I will. I just need to think of the right way to--"_

"_Pick a new excuse, Spence. You used that one last week." I watched her cringe back at my raised voice._

"_It's not that easy, Ash. I just came to the realization that I'm gay. I was barely able to accept it myself, I don't think I'm ready for everyone else to know about my personal life. I love Aiden, but I'm _in _love with you. You just need to know that I'm only yours." _

_I gritted my teeth together, my jaw rigid and visibly tense. "I don't want to share."_

_She let out a exasperated sigh, "Ash, just please--"_

"_-- No, Spencer. I'm not going to just pretend that it doesn't hurt when it's his hand you're holding or his lips you're kissing. I don't want to touch you and have to think about his too large hands being there before mine. He may love you, and you may love him, but he doesn't love you like I do. He doesn't look at you the way I do. He doesn't smile the way I do when you walk into a room. He doesn't listen to you when you talk. And when he kisses you, it's as if he's trying to claim you as his… his _object_. He doesn't revel in the way your lips feel against his, or the way you taste. He doesn't belong with you. I love you, Spencer Carlin. You know that, don't you?" My voice softened tremendously. She nodded her head and for the first time I realized how close we were standing. I cupped her cheek with my right hand and stroked the skin under her eye, wiping at the invisible tears. I tried to swallow the lump in my throat, pausing a few times to compose myself and come up with the right words to say. When I started again it was just above a whisper, "But I can't love you with circumstances." I watched as the soft blues of her eyes turned dark and began to water. _

"_You don't have to. You have my heart. And it belongs to you. Forever."_

I feel my lips go dry and I run the tip of my tongue over them quickly. "He doesn't belong with her." It's barely a whisper, but I know for a fact she heard it._ She never turns the light out for the moon._ Her expression hasn't changed and her hand is still squeezing mine with a constant pressure. I gently pull my hand from hers and lace my hands together in my lap. I know that if I meet her eyes, I won't be able to get this next part out, so I stare at my joined hands. "He… he doesn't smile the way I do when she walks into the room. He stares at her chest when she's talking and doesn't even have the decency to hide it. His hands are too big to hold her tiny hands that look too fragile for their own good. When he kisses her, he looks like he's trying to eat off her face rather than memorize the feel of her lips on his…" I look up quickly, expecting her expression to be one of discomfort from my sudden expression of undying love towards a doctor I met months ago. But the look she has on her face bewilders me. Curiosity. _She always shows up late, when I'm too soon. _

"You speak as though you've seen them together often." I shrug my shoulders, missing her point completely. "Almost as if you have to see them on a daily basis."

I scoff at the older woman, as if the answer is undeniably obvious. What a crock. "Yeah, so? Your point? You've seen them together. You know how he is around her."

She purses her lips slightly and shakes her head. "Yeah, I know. I completely agree with you. Every word you said about him is true. That's why I'm not very fond of him, _because_ of the way he treats her. You're absolutely spot on, I just don't see how that's possible…" I search her face for some small hint as to what she's talking about, "… considering the fact that Aiden's only visited once since you've been here."

_She's the harmony and whisper._

I let her words sink in. My eyes glazing over as the words seep into my bones and pull at all my heart strings. Realization crashes over me like a blow to the face.

She's right.

How could I possibly know all of this?

_Singing along with all my sappy tunes._

* * *

_She's all the reason why you run away. _There's no emotion on her face as she stares at me. Her brow is relaxed, her plump lips resting on top of each other. But it's her eyes that give it away. The shade of blue is so intense I feel as though I'm drowning. I watch as her eyes scan my face, the color of her iris mixing and swirling like waves crashing roughly into each other. _She's all the reasons why you want to stay. _The only noise in her office is the clock on the wall directly behind her head. Tick, tick, tick. She's asking so many questions that she can't seem to find the guts to say out loud. I part my lips and let out a soft sigh as my eyes chance a glance from her eyes to her lips. So soft. She makes this sound with her tongue that can best be described as the sound mothers make when they're upset with their children.

"Don't baby me." My eyes immediately snap back up from her plush lips to her dark, drowning eyes. _Her tangled heart of mystery. _My voice is thick and undeniably husky. I place my hands in the middle of her desk and lean forward. I swallow a few times before starting again, "I'm not a fucking child. You don't have to take care of me."

_Is gonna bleed for someone else someday. _She leans back in her leather chair before propelling herself forward. Her hands grip the edge of her wooden desk, her pale knuckles turning even whiter.

"On the contrary, I _am_ your doctor and you _are_ my patient." She enunciates each word as she leans across her desk and closer to my face. I feel her hot breath skim across my lips. I unconsciously lick my lips and fight the urge to sneak a peek at her lips. "Therefore, by law, I do in fact have to _'take care of you_'." We're so close I can smell her strawberry lip gloss. My eyes betray me as I glance down at her lips. When my eyes slowly tear from the sight of her perfect, shiny lips and travel back up her face, her eyes are burning holes into me. I gasp at the unfamiliar shade of blue and back away only slightly. "_I care about you, Ash_…ley." A shiver runs through my body and the hair on my arms stand.

"I know." My voice is tiny. "But you care about all your patients. What makes me so different?"

_I see her in the bedroom. _She licks her lips and her brow creases for a second, "I can't quite put it in words…. _I know that you said you don't need to be taken care of, but that's all I want to do when I'm around you. _You're… different, Ashley. _When I look at you, I see everything I'll ever want…a friend_…I see so much potential.." She pulls the corner of her bottom lip between her teeth. I watch as her eyes slowly trail down my face, stopping at my lips before quickly glancing up. "_How could I not want to protect you?_"

_Sleepin' next to me. _Her right hand releases its death grip on the edge of her desk and tentatively reaches out towards my face. She tucks a stray lock behind my left ear. Her fingertips brush against my temple and my eyes fight to stay open. I revel in her touch, eerily familiar and inviting. I look up at her through hooded eyes and see that same unfamiliar shade of blue. Dark and beckoning. _She's enough grace and wisdom. _I barely register my next words as they fall from my lips.

"Do you love me?"

Her breath is intoxicating as I part my lips and lean _that_ much closer.

"_With every ounce of my being. I love you."_

Her lips are barely a ghost against mine. It's as if the world came to a screeching halt and stood still just for me; so I could live this moment out a little longer. _To set the whole world free. _It's as if everything happening at this exact moment would forever be immortalized as she presses herself tighter against her table and deeper into me. It's as if everything is right for the first time in ages. I feel a rush of blood to my head and I'm suddenly seeing stars behind my eyelids. _She's staring at the shadows, dancing on the wall._

The soft pressure of her lips are gone from mine but I can tell she hasn't gone far by the way her breath still caresses my face. My eyelids are heavy as I fight to open them. I meet her gaze and I'm expecting her to cringe away, stand up from her seat and run to the door, muttering something about how this is wrong and unprofessional.

But she doesn't.

_She's the New York City skyline._

She remains just a breath away from me. Her eyes dark and unfamiliar with a new emotion I can't quite put my finger on. Her eyes find my lips for an instant before she crashes back into me. At that moment the thought of doing this for the rest of my life runs through my head. My hands find refuge in her soft golden hair. I lean across her desk even more, knocking down pictures and her pencil holder. Her hand finds the back of my neck, pulling me even closer. I revel in the way her warm, velvety soft skin feels under my hands. She backs away slightly, her breathing ragged as she tries to find her words.

"Ashley?" I pull her bottom lip between my teeth. I murmur something that sounds like permission to continue as I lift my right knee onto her desk. "I've got something to tell you."

_Bound to catch the heavens if they fall.

* * *

_**Ooooh, cliffhanger! Kind of! :D**

**Why is it that some of the speech that Spencer gives Ashley is italicized while some parts of it isn't?: **Well, young grasshoppa! You are sharp! I don't want to give too much away.. but if you look back up to the first "flashback/dream" you'll see that she said the same exact things! What ever could this mean? Well you'll just have to wait and see! :D

I'd love to reply to you all... but I got a PM from someone telling me I can't because it's "against the rules"... I just looked up the guidelines and I don't think it says anything about that...but I'll just skip the FOF for another time. But please know that I appreciate each and every one of your reviews! That being said, I hope I didn't lose you! :D


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